Virtual Ramblings

As a kid when I passed by an icecream shop I was drawn to it, I wanted one cone, I never felt bad that I wanted something, I have never dismissed my wants, I have always wanted them passionately, and I have never dismissed my passion, infact I have been proud of my passion for things. But passion can easily grow into envy and then to jealousy. Traditionally both envy and jealousy have been termed bad, people are told be beware of those to feelings, and told to guard themselves away from them.

Theoretically I agree that jealousy is an extreme feeling, and generally harm people who get into it. But isn’t jealousy a very common emotion?, just like you feel happy/sad/angry naturally, you also feel jealous too isn’t it?. If you guys have much self control over emotions that you have never envied anything/anyone than may be I am a very less of a human being. I do envy things, I do envy people, and sometimes I do feel jealous.

As a man in his quarter life, I am on the look our for many things, yep I finally have broken out from the quarter life crisis, not knowing what I want, suddenly things I want seem to be falling into place. I am no saint, I have materialistic things on my list to work for, and also non materialistic things. So now that I know what I want, I am working towards them, some with immediate actions, some with a plan, and some just waiting to have in future. These things amazingly prioritize themselves too, I mean some I seem to want a lot more, and hoping that they happen somehow, and most of them fall into the last category, I mean my wants for the future, which directly I may not have control over, and some which I can do my efforts and have no control on the outcome. Some are really materialistic, and I am surprised I want to have them because there was a time I loathed people who went after them

Over last few months, one of such wants is making me envious. I do not have the word power to express what is it that’s making me envy some, infact every time I get the feeling I am feeling a little bit of envy, I am unknowingly getting disgusted at myself, and driving me out of the scene, making sure I don’t get to listen/view or discuss the matter, and the sad part is that people involved, even though they do not know about it, secretly I have a fear that I may begin to dislike them, like the way its illustrated in all possible media, the rift formed by envy/jealousy. I fear what If I get into that groove.

Jealousy is always considered to be self centric, a selfish act which helps no one, but if you do not think about the extremes, it does help people to work with a better zeal towards the goal, when I grew envious of the kid who used to top the class always, I struggled for 3 full years to topple her at the top. It has not always been bad to me, and I know that, but then why do I fear now?, why am I afraid of my envy?.

When the thought of writing something on my jealousy came up first thing I did was to look up at wikipedia. And I was surprised at their definition and also their distinction between envy and jealousy
Jealousy : “Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival”
Envy:“Envy may be defined as an emotion that “occurs when a person lacks another’s superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it.”
“Jealousy concerns something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy concerns something one does not have and either he wants to acquire (nonmalicious envy) or he wants the other(s) not to have (malicious envy)”

After going through this I realize, I have never used the word properly, may be going by this definition I am not jealous, I may be lot more envious.

As usual I am left with a lot of questions at the end.
Is a feeling of envy/jealous normal?,

Is it normal if you end up feeling a little envious about things you want badly for you?,

Does it always indicate desperation?,

Does one need to panic when he feels he is feeling a little envy,?

How does one get himself out of it?, is avoiding a good solution for it, if at all this is a problem?,

Do you feel envy/jealous at times?.

Smiling faces attract me. its very easy to appear beautiful, not just to me, but many others like me, all one needs to do, is smile. Smiles of any kind are attractive, the shy one, the reluctant one, the one on verge of a laughter, a highly controlled one, any type for that matter. I just can’t resist a smiling face.

I have about 30 minutes in the morning, between getting ready for work, and actually leaving for work. The 30 minutes are reserved for having my breakfast and a morning cup of my tea, while I am having my breakfast, I sneak in 30 minutes of Television. As my evenings go in either calls, or reading/writing blogs, the only time I get to watch television are 30 minutes in the morning, I need to cram in couple of cartoons, and some Kannada songs on U2, and some hindi ones on any music channel. Now in between while surfing, I generally lookup movies playing on TV, and do get to watch few minutes if the movie interests me. I got to watch few minutes of the movie mili on Wednesday, I have seen it earlier, but I had always dismissed the movie with an opinion that it’s a imitation of “anand” one of my all time favorite movie. Both the movies are about a person suffering from cancer, and their journey towards their death.

As I was watching the movie, there was one scene, when the patient is down with fever and almost in final stages of her life. One can see the heavy dark bags below the eyes, the face is almost down, and once very enthusiastic mili is very dull and quiet. That’s when she sees the leading actor Amitabh walk in to her room, and her face instantaneously picks up and she smiles. I have to admit, I just loved the scene, its so natural, and one can genuinely spot happiness on her face, even in desperate situation, the smile of hope is something a class about the ones I mentioned at the beginning of the post. The hope evident in the smile was highly impacting on me, I must admit I was kind of floored, I liked the scene very much.

What is it about hope that makes it so wonderful?. Being hopeful in this world is pretty difficult, I mean with so much of darkness around even hoping for a ray looks foolish, but not everyone has lost hope isn’t it?, I see many a hopeful faces around, I see them smiling, and believe me there is no one more beautiful than these smiling ones.

Just some time ago, was telling a friend that most my posts are depressing because I feel like writing only when I am depressed. So for a change I thought let me blog, when I am happy..

There have been some reasons to be happy in recent past. Firstly 2006 ended greatly, No I didn’t have a blast, Some things did happen which made me happy, And then some things work wise also made me happy over the first week in 2007. Did have a nice weekend too. Did things I like, read some movie reviews, couple of books reviews, wrote a poem, watched some things I like, hung out with cousin. and had a loooooong chat with a friend.

Beauty about this mind, is that it works differently for different people. The opinion one has is very personal, and does have a great influence on others opinion, Hmm. a little lost here.But everyone has their own perspective, and more the people you know, more knowledge they give you. Its amazing how people who are just brought up in the same society can have so contrasting and beautiful opinion about things.

The problem however is lack of communication and interest in each others ideas. But did get a new perspective here, saying people might be busy. And then I realized the priorities in life differ. And One mans interest may be other mans boredom. But there are enough people in the world with similar interests. And it is a matter of time for me to find some.

There are leaders and then there are followers. But there are some more who are admirers. I think I am the 3rd category. I have always admired people. I don’t want to call it inferiority complex, Cause I have never felt inferior, But I always felt that some people are good at something, and I always tried to learn that from them. I am a little selfish here. I feel my admiration is mainly a means for me to learn what they are good at. But many times I feel they are really good.

Admiration has been in at a personal level, and don’t want to mention the names. But As a student I admired a lot of my peers. I made it a point to learn from them.. But intent was Marks. Later They became good friends and the intent vanished Admiration remained. Well bad reason but good result in the end.

So admiration continued at work. At one point I mentally prepared a list of things I admired in each one in the team and developed a little of those things. I never felt inferior though, and not even close to jealous.

As I speak of admiration, There are a huge list of things I have admired in fantasy, may not got chance to talk to them in reality, at least not in all cases. But Admired nevertheless.

1. Dedication to work: Prostitutes. Really its tough to dedicate yourselves to something which you don’t believe in but circumstances has pushed you towards it.
2. Seriousness towards life: child labour. They really work passionately for a little food, and their concern towards their parents
3. Happiness: People at old age homes. I never see them sad, Anybody can be happy with lot of money and youth behind themselves.
4. Fighting Spirit: Indian cricket team: Kidding…
terminally ill patients. You never want to fight a lost battle, But they do.

But lastly, I have always admired one thing. In fact I always wondered why dint I get a friend of this kind. I would love to talk to..

5:Courage: Single mom, Do I have to say anything. Single moms/dads have always been a lot of inspiration to me. I am not sure why on earth I feel this way but. They are really great.
The sacrifice and compromise, that too for something which may not even be in a state to realize how lucky and grateful it is towards them.