Virtual Ramblings

It was never meant,
to be this way.
A feeling of guilt,
Is here to stay.
You said, its gonna be
Just another kiss
A pair of closed eyes, and,
A moment of bliss.
I knew you were wrong,
I just went along.
Moments like these are
seldom un-meaningful,
A “kiss”
never unfaithful

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I promise that this shall be the last of my romantic poems ..

The prompt today over at writersisland is “unfaithful”. Should I add that here’s my “fictional” piece on the prompt

The movie prompt over there this week is “fantasy”, I did this some time back, thought will add the link here

My Fantasy

She

The highway was empty as far as he could he see, he held the steering wheel as firmly as he could, with his eyes gazing upon the imaginary horizon made by the long highway. A light could be spotted at a far distance, it appeared to be a coming from a traffic signal. His eyes were darkish in color, they seem to be reminiscent of the sleepless nights he had had. He had no tears in his eyes, it did not seem to have dried up, he had his usual numb face on, but one could see the disappointment, one could spot the signs of anger, one could see the emotion waiting to burst open. Still with a numb face on. The speed to which his car was reaching, must the highest he would have touched in years, he was driving as though there was no tomorrow.

The images from the showdown he had with Tina were flashing before his eyes. It was not new to him, they had fought about the same issue many a times, and today was not much different. He seem to be drawing blank reliving the scene, and he could feel his throat drying up, as he remembered the exact words that were exchanged. Coming from Tina, the only person who mattered to him, made the matters worse.

Tina had said No, yet again, she had refused to marry him yet again, he had done everything he could to make her think over her decision, with a lot of hope that she would reconsider his request. Tina had moved in with him three years back, their relationship had made many a heads turn, and both were proud of the dignified way in which they had carried off their relationship so far. Tina was adamant as ever, she did not want to marry, and he failed to understand her reason behind this. Tina knew him very well, she must have had absolutely no worry about her independence being hampered, she needn’t worry about her career either, he was a thorough gentleman who respected a woman the way she should be, he did not have any family either, so she had no fears of in-laws as well. He was exhausted trying to come up with possible reasons as to why said no. It was beyond his imagination.

Tina shared her every feeling with him, every emotion she felt was shared with him, and they could read each others mind in most of the circumstances, but for this situation. Tina seem to be hiding some fear, some doubt, some insecurity, some hidden secret, forcing herself to say no. Tina had been a hard working, career woman for long wanting to reach levels of success which always eluded her. She had let him know at times how much she feared loosing her career, losing the legacy which she had struggled to build up, fears she had about how her routine would change about work, and kids she feared the most. Every time she had come out with this fear, like any responsible person he had tried to reason out how normal family life is, and trying to let her know of the cold feet she has been having, but nothing seem to satisfy her.

He really did not need this he thought, he did think about the break up, wanting to look outside and see if he can get what he is looking for, a little more commitment, and the sanctity of marriage he now seemed to be obsessed with. He also knew the breakup would leave both of them devastated, its not something time pass the two shared, they really cared for each other.

Every time he had these sessions with himself, post the heavy showdown with Tina he went through three phases, He always began with telling himself, it was time for him to take an action, to ask her to move out, spare himself of all these pains he has to go through often, for once get rid of this never ending saga of heartbreaks. He never considered himself to be wrong in asking for the next step in their relationship. He would then move on to a second phase where he thought, may be she was right, may be their careers would get affected, may be they were best this way, with no tags attached, loving each other the way they were. May be they were meant to be this way, together.

The traffic signal which seemed way distant from him, was now just yards away, as though life had given him the signal he was looking for. He was close to his usual third phase, where he would take action as always. The traffic junction came by, and at the junction he spun his car around for a U turn and headed back to his place, back to his Tina

Reading, watching TV, or just lazing around,
Shopping, Cooking, or just pampering self,
Dinners, Evenings, or just plain nights,

Every waking moment, she lived memories,
Sweet memories,
of “him”.

Cigarette burns on her limbs,
Deep cuts on her thighs,
For every memory,
She left herself a souvenir.

A desperate effort
Effort to turn memories
“Torrid”

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It took a long time for me to think of something on the topic “Torrid”, writer’s island is becoming very challenging.. or may be I am turning dull day by day 

I look at you,

With a sense of Déjà vu.

I have lived this feeling before.

And, I have tried to stop myself before,

It’s the same sweet confusion,

Every time I see you.

I look at you,

With a sense of Déjà vu.

I avoid looking in the eye,

I talk to a friend nearby,

It’s the same act I put on,

Every time I pass by you.

I look at you,

With a sense of Déjà vu.

I’m not so innocent after all,

Desperate to steal a peek or two,

Sharp that you are,

Every time catching me amidst my silly act.

I look at you,

With a sense of Déjà vu.

You’re not so innocent either,

Those lovely eyes speaking the “silence”,

And that shy chuckle of yours,

Almost, making me, forget my next step.

I look at you,

With a sense of Déjà vu.

Couple of seconds and hush you are gone

And me too, back into my lifeless world,

But with a hope for the same strange feeling,

For the times in future, when I get to walk past you.

I continue to look at you,

With a sense of Déjà vu.

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The topic over at writer’s island is “Deja Vu”, Here is a semi fiction which I thought about the topic.

Monty rushed home from school, all excited with his backpack slinging from his shoulders, his shirt half tucked in and half hanging out. He threw his bag into a corner, and quickly got out of his school shoes, and still dressed in his uniform he rushed out as his mother kept screaming at him to eat something before going out.

Naina and her husband, along with Monty had recently come into this new country. Her husband had finally got the elusive job he was looking for. They had moved from the chaotic locality of suburban Mumbai to peaceful suburbs of a major automobile hub.

Naina had been married for 10 years now, and she had adjusted to the lifestyle at her in-laws place, yes they did live together and she had loved every moment of it. This trip across seas meant that she had to now do all the work, including those which she shared with her mother in law. She was not cribbing about it though; the prospect of a new country and a richer lifestyle excited her. She found herself more in the kitchen these days packing lunch, substituting things which she could not find in the new city and making sure the taste still remained the same, Now that there was no maid, she had to clean everything herself, that meant more work at home then she had ever done, and there was Monty as well, his studies, his assignments. Monty had continued to be his usual best at his studies, she had heard good reports from his teachers, and he continued to do most of his study work without much fuzz.

Naina had begun to notice changes in Monty’s eating habits, he no longer hogged on those favorite sweets of his, and he seemed to be less interested in his favorite rasam which his granny made for him everyday. Even as a toddler Monty never finished his dinner/lunch, without the rasam specially made for him by his granny. Monty seemed to be missing that taste, or may be he was missing much more than taste. Naina ignored this thinking he does not like the substitutes she had been using in her cooking.

As Monty had left home already, Naina having not much to do, decided to take a walk around the block, she wanted to catch Monty playing with his friends. She locked the door, put on the coat and slowly started off in the direction of the playground. As she began to walk, she noticed how different the place looked, the crowded gullies from Mumbai where one could catch children playing cricket, and here she was, almost deserted roads, with no living person in sight, with cars parked neatly in front porch of every house, with total silence all around.

Naina noticed a lot of trees around, trees which seem to have impressed Monty a lot these days, All his essays at school found a mention about a tree, and how much of a friend it is for the mankind, even his art work kind of showed him around a tree. She had been really happy at young Monty’s concern for the environment. She wondered how quickly Monty was growing up and how fast his thoughts were growing.

Naina reached the playground, to be kind of shocked, there were not many kids around, and she could find some parents with their babies in those trams, and very few toddlers again with their parents. She could not spot Monty anywhere, nor anybody of his age hanging around, though a little worried, she thought he might have gone into the woods nearby with his friends. She started to walk back to her house; the playground was sort of towards the back of her house, so she preferred to go via the side walk to her back yard. As she neared the house, she found a large tree with wide branches right behind her back fence, and she could spot someone there. She came near the tree to find out it was Monty.

Monty was simply sitting there, with his hands crossed on his knees, there was a board hung to the tree, it read “The Gulmohar”, and Monty was just sitting there watching the sky. Naina had tears in her eyes, she had realized what Monty meant by tree being the man’s friend, and she had the picture in her eyes, the picture of the Gulmohar under which Monty’s herd played back in Mumbai, and she had found out why his study work had so many mentions about the tree. The Gulmohar is all Monty had from last couple of months. Tears continued to trickle down her cheeks.

It was a long tiring day at the office for Ashwin, he just wanted to get out of the place and reach home, a plate full of delicious dinner and a good night of sleep is all what he wanted. Ashwin quickly walked out of his work place, to make sure that no one else catches him for some other work, he came out and stood at bus stop waiting for his route bus to come. Unfortunately the bus was not to be seen for long time, only after a wait of about 30 minutes his bus came and rushed inside a slightly crowded bus.

This was the peak hour of commutation, so the bus was almost crowded, and Ashwin did not
find himself a seat. He quietly leaned to a pole, with his drooping shoulders and head sunk low between them, just barely managing to stand. The bus moved forward and within no time was in the next step. This one was a bus stop right in front of a college, so a huge gang of college going people entered the bus. Ashwin didn’t even look up, he was not at all interested, he could hear the loud voices of excited students, talking about the days events, discussing movies and lecturers and what not, girls giggling and talking. Now Ashwin had a little interest he wanted to look up and see if there were any good looking girls around, but he was too lazy to look up. So he lifted corner of his right eye to look around, and gently looked around, he spotted on girl whom he thought was cute, and had a lovely smile, he was in too bad a mood to even think on those lines. He went right back to his semi sleepy state leaning to the pole in the bus.

Added to the tiresome day, Ashwin had to live with a bad cold from last couple of weeks, it was much better compared to the previous week, but still he had a occasional sneezing attacks, where he ended up sneezing continuously for minutes together. Ashwin, could almost sense the next one coming, he started to sniff around, you know those seconds before the sneeze, where you have a feeling its gonna come, but you just stop before the sneeze. It looked kind of funny for others, it appeared as though ht is sniffing something, its really amazing how one man’s misery can appear funny to others.

Ashwin was nearing his destination, where he was supposed to get down, when suddenly he heard a girl screaming, as he looked up he was surprised to find out she was indeed screaming at him, for some time he could not even find out what had happened, what she was unhappy about, he was too sleepy and tired to bother, but looking at how serious she was, he woke himself up. Ashwin asked her what has happened and why she was screaming. She began to
complain that Ashwin was misusing the proximity in the bus and trying to smell her hair. She had seen him sniffing her hair many a times. For a moment his face was worth a thousand bucks, he was totally surprised and was caught with no guard. He could not even think why she was making that allegation.

Ashwin began to politely tell her that he was not sniffing her hair, and it just the cold he had, she was not in a mood to her ashwin at all. She began to raise her voice and make a scene out there. As she had a gang from her college, a lot of people joined in, and began to scold Ashwin, accusing him of being a real cheap fellow, trying to take advantage of girl like her. The college gang was a mixed group, it also had some guys in it, they too started accusing Ashwin, they started cursing at him, and wanted him to apologize and may be even fall to her feet.

Ashwin was now totally furious, he could not stand the stupid girl, he could not imagine how she could blow something so small to such huge proportions, he also thought of these guys trying to grab the opportunity to score a few points with these girls standing up for them. He continued trying to tell her about the cold he has been having over the weeks, but in vain, she had no mood to hear. Now even the driver and the conductor from the bus were pulled into the fight, and other passengers tried to intervene seeing that there were girls involved in the fight.

Poor Ashwin, who had really nothing to do with all this, stood there when each of them came
up with their version of the story, how they had seen him sniffing at other girls, how one had seen him winking at one of the girls and so on. Ashwin began to think of ways he thought would surely get him out of this mess. He thought may be he can show the prescription from the doctor showing he had cold and asking him to take some medicines, but that was two weeks old, so they might not agree. He then thought of probably opening up his wallet which has his brothers picture in it, and may be claim he was gay, and that might get him out of this mess. Or may be he can admit that it was not her but the other girl whom he thought was cute. He just stood there thinking all this.

As he lifted his eye to catch glimpse of the girl whom he had thought was cute before, he
could see that they were all giggling now, surprised he turned around, looking what had happened, thats when the girl screamed out “BAKRA” you have been punked.

She stood in her normal waiting spot, just outside the exit to her workplace. She had been working in that call center for about an year now, and she had met him for the first time in the same company. He was a fellow employee, a little senior though in terms of experience. She tried to call him on his cell phone, but it seemed to be switched off. She was furious at him for being so careless. This had almost become their routine, meeting in between shifts, she would be on her way home and he on his way into office. The adverse working hours meant that this was the only time they got in the day to see each other. The cab driver starting honking to try to grab her attention, she had to go now, could not wait more. so she rushed into the cab with a sad face.

She started sending him SMS one after another, hoping that he will respond to one of them, but no luck, she was slightly worried now, he had never been so bad in responding, bad thoughts began to cross her mind, the crime scene in city had become worse, and technology people had become very easy targets. Was he in any kind of danger, she would have paid a million dollars to know the answer to this question. People around her in the cab could sense there was something wrong with her, they began to ask her if everything was OK. She replied in the affirmative, but her face told a different story. She reluctantly reached home, and was forced to sleep by her mother knowing very well she had to be at work in the evening for her night shift.

She rushed with a sense of urgency that evening, hoping she would at least catch him on his way home, unfortunately he was not to be seen at that time too, now she had a sense of something going wrong. She controlled herself as she went in to go and catch some of his friends around, it looked like all of them had left already, only person whom she could find was his shift manager, he seemed to be very busy, still she could not hold it any longer, she went and asked the manager. One could not hear what he was telling but could see tears flow down her cheeks, she stood there as the manager spoke, it was not that much of a conversation as she had hardly any thing to speak, so did the manager, he just spoke a line and turned his back towards her. It was just her standing her place, with tears in her eyes.

Two days ago was his last working day at the office, he had moved on into a better paying job elsewhere, for a second she could not believe he had left without telling her, she had never expected him to do this to her. Still she had some hope, she still gave benefit of doubt to him, She thought something terrible must have come up, why would he otherwise do this to her. She was sure he would contact her soon.

The wait turned from days to weeks and weeks to months, he never called back.

She was strong, and yes she was hurt, but over time she had moved on, she had not given up on men, after him she met couple of really good guys, and she continued to wait for them after their shifts, and the usual romance followed, something or the other used to prop up in the relation and break ups used to follow, that never stopped her, she continued to be stronger and moved on to better things and newer people. She still had one question though “why”, why did he do this to her, what made him do this.

She finally said yes to her parents, they had been trying to make her agree for the marriage, and she finally agreed, and then began the search for the prospective groom. Everyday she had to go through the long list of photos and profiles her parents used to get her, and days passed. One day, they had a profile that interested her, just a look at the photo and all her memories were back. It was of “him”. She immediately had an agitated mind, on one hand she was furious, for having to deal with him again, on the other hand this had opened up a channel of communication to him, all she wanted to know was “why”

She decided to meet up with him, one last time, just talk to him once and ask him “why?”. She asked her parents to set up a meeting time, and it was agreed that they would meet up at his residence the coming Sunday. She went all prepared, with a mind ready to blast him, and a question to ask before that.

The day arrived and so did she with mixed feelings at his house. He had not changed much, he almost looked like the one she had bid bye on the night before he went absconding. After the initial introduction, they left the couple alone to speak. She had been waiting for this moment so long.

What followed was something she could never imagine, he was the same old person, the same sweet guy whom she had fallen for, the same lovely smile, the same sweet talk, and from the looks of it, she was falling for him again. She wanted this for just one more day, she thought she would enjoy the moment and may be ask him the question the next day. So they decided to meet up again the next day, this time at their old favorite coffee shop.

He was there sharp at 7 as promised, with a box of chocolates, and ideas and views which she still loved. They spoke for hours together, in the sweet time she was having, she totally forgot about her question, they did set up the next date though. This continued for about a month, every time she wanted to bring up the topic, she did not want to miss the wonderful time she was having.

Their parents had booked the wedding hall now, and If she ever could ask her question it was now. But she did not. She decided, what she was having was something great, she did not want to spoil something as good as this, they did marry in the same month, and they did live a life she had always dreamt off. One question she took to her grave was “Why”.

Was she correct in not asking him?, Can one blame her for opting for the pleasure she was having over the pain she had had?, More importantly was he let off easily?, or was his guilt his biggest punishment? Some questions, better left unasked?

She began her walk on the railway track, with her eyes lost in the skies, and with an expression on her face which only she could decipher. Not that she did not know where she was going to. She did know that, but she had no clue about her destination.

It was not new to her, the track she had been on, was not always smooth, there were problems before, she did travel many a path where she just knew what was her immediate stop, and she did not care about her destination. She always had her confidence by her side, she knew that even if she reaches a dead end, she was sure she would carve out a path and a walk towards the unknown new destination,

She thought about her times with hash and coke, the pleasure she seemed to desire, the days where she had felt bliss, a feeling of being one with her destiny. She had enjoyed every minute of it, and she had no regrets, but she did walk out of it, she did say no the painful pleasure, it was just her confidence and will.

She remembered those days, where she missed sun for weeks together,those days she had almost forgotten what a sober body of her felt like, the highs she reached with those bottomless drinks  was something which she could not get back even if she spends thousands of dollars. Was she sad then? she wondered.. nope she was not, she had no place for sorrow, she never had place for it.

She relived those days on the streets, where she let the people abuse her body beyond antibody’s imagination. Things she had done for people for something as useless as money, useless because she had never cared for it. She just lived to “live”, to experience. Still she had no regrets, she had no worries.

Is it the age?, is it the subconscious fear of losing the unknown which had made her lose confidence.. she did not know the answer. She never thought about her loneliness, she did not have to, she knew people would want her. Couple of gray hair she had, or the sag she noticed down her chest, or even the lesser number of turning heads as she walked, was that bothering her so much?, so much as to change what she looked for?.

Was it just the time?, one day she had to come terms with it, and had that time come?, Again she had no answer, She saw the sun raise at the same time, and the winter set in on the same month, and a decade was still 10 years long. So what was that she was thinking about, what did happen?

One could easily see the love for each other in their eyes, its not that they did not try to hide it, but the love and admiration for each other was too much for them to hide. It was almost as if they want to ignore it. They had read a lot about the work place romances, and their ill effects on each others career, and both of them did not want to risk their careers, something which they had achieved with lot of hard work.It did not come easy to him, he had always dismissed the idea of falling in love with someone, or idea of a relationship. She on the other hand had experienced it once, and knew the importance and the happiness in it. She seemed more calm, but still apprehensive about the unfolding events.

They were never a typical couple, they never hung out much together while at work, nor physically close to each other all the time. They did not even hang out much after work, both busy with their own personal lives after work, it was as though “love” was ironic in
their case.

What held them together was their countability to each other, anyday she could be sure that she could count on him for anything. Same was his case, he could trust her with anything when needed. No there was no money involved and no favors too, it was just the emotional support they sought in each other. The bond was growing stronger, with every shared thought on high and low days they spent together.

He always had a thing for single moms, no he was not of the types who would lust at the possible sight of a hot single mom. He had a theory that any person who has lost something would value it better, so a single mom would value love and commitment more than anything in her life, this is what he believed in.

It was not easy for her being a single mom, she had a lot many people in her frame, and more importantly her kid. The decisions she made was no longer totally hers, she had a kid to think about. It was not easy for him either, the society he lived in was not mature enough to handle a good hearted relationship with a single mom. All people thought, was that, he is an unmarried bachelor, trying to take advantage of a lonely single mother.

The kid was old enough now to accept the lack of a father, more importantly it was old enough to want one, he was filling the shoe very nicely. Even though they never noticed, the kid was beginning to accept the rare visitor.

He did not speak much, even when he was around once in a while helping her. One thing she noticed was that he was never sympathetic, he was never sorry for her, he treated her normal, just like any other woman, with equality in his own way. This is what had drawn her to him. More importantly he was open to accept her help whenever she offered, it may not be big things, just simple chores, she loved this quality of his.

After a lot of effort, and lots more thinking, he finally did it, he did propose to her. She knew this would happen some day, but she was surprised at herself for not giving an instantaneous yes, she did ask for a couple of days to think it over. She thought this would be a formality, and was sure she would say yes.

It turned out it was not a formality after all, every time she wanted to dial him up and say yes, there was some force which stopped her, she was not happy saying yes, she doubted, no not him, but herself, she doubted her worth, wondered if she was spoiling everyone’s life here. She was now spotting in herself, what others had seen in her. The “tear”, the feeling of a torn paper was eating her. She feared that how much ever she tries to
glue it together, people will spot the tear. After a lot of thinking, she decided to move on, leave the city and take the job at a distant place.

He too did move on, he married the one chosen by his family, not that he was very sad either, he had really moved on.

What she failed to realize was that it was not only her who left with a “tear”, it was also him, the paper did tear in his case too.

The paper did tear.

photo courtesy Smibee

He was fast asleep in his favorite spider-man jammies, the one he had dreamt about for long, and was very happy to have. It had been a very tiresome day, he was sleeping like a log. He felt a soft hand on his shoulder, within no time  the hand was shaking him up, trying to wake him I guess. He open his eyes reluctantly, he thought he must have really overslept, and his mom would be very wild at him he thought.

As he opened his eyes, he could here a chorus “Surprise”, He could see his mom and dad, with a small home made cake, with his name on top. It was his birthday, he was angry at himself for forgetting that, There were 8 full candles on the top, one for every wonderful year he had lived on this earth. His parents started to sing “happy birthday to you”, with the soft music of instruments playing on the music system. One could easily spot his happiness, he was almost grinning ear to ear.

He cut the cake with a small knife, which had a ribbon bow tied it, as he held the knife it started to play his favorite rhyme too, “Row Row Row your boat“. His happiness had no bounds. He quickly made his parents eat the piece he had cut, and also ate the rest of the piece. His father has brought him many gifts, which also included a coupon with permission to watch TV with no restrictions. His father also had kept his promise to take him out for a week vacation to his grandfather’s village, which he had always loved.

After the short but very sweet ceremony he was asked to sleep, so that they could enjoy the day next morning. He woke up, and eagerly rushed through his morning routine, he brushed his teeth and rushed downstairs, his mom had prepared his favorite breakfast combination, just the way his grand mom would make, Idli’s along with the khus-khus payasa [a sweet made of poppy seeds]. What made it more interesting was to see his mom take a day of her busy schedule to make his breakfast. As he sat at the breakfast table, he was surprised to see his dad reading newspaper patiently, he had never seen his dad in recent times being so laid back, In fact he hardly got to see him, as his parents used to get off to work before he wakes up and generally back only way past his bed time.

As he sat there having the breakfast he began to plan the day mentally, the places he would like to visit with his parents, the games he would love to play with them, and that playground which he passed daily with lots of kids playing with their parents. He had so many things to do. He did not want to waste time at all.

Just as he finished the breakfast, the phone rang, and it was his grandparents, calling to wish him on his birthday. They could easily make out the joy in their grandson’s voice, which they had been missing to spot for long long time.

He quickly took his shower, which he insisted that his mom should not help, well he was grown up now, and it was indeed shame to ask his mom to help, but she convinced him it should be her to dress him up, as she hardly got chance these days. He was happy indeed, to see his mom comb his hair, no one took so much interest to make sure the line on his forehead formed at the  parting of hairs was perfectly straight, and exactly to the left of his forehead. He loved it when she chose to be so perfect.

All set he was, for “his” day.

Just then he heard a buzzing sound, he could not help but get annoyed it was not stopping at all, it was some kind of a ring, he realized that it was his alarm, and it was morning. Poor guy he could not believe it was all his dream. He woke up, and he was right it was indeed his birthday. He quickly brushed his teeth and rushed down.

It was just another day, his parents had left already, the housekeeper was busy preparing his breakfast, she wished him a happy birthday, and handed him a huge collection of cleanly wrapped presents. Which he threw aside, got ready for his school quickly not showing his disappointment.

As he walked past the playground, still watching lots of kids playing, all  we could see was that he was humming his favorite rhyme

Row, row, row your boat,

Gently down the stream.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,

Life is like a dream.