Virtual Ramblings

The highway was empty as far as he could he see, he held the steering wheel as firmly as he could, with his eyes gazing upon the imaginary horizon made by the long highway. A light could be spotted at a far distance, it appeared to be a coming from a traffic signal. His eyes were darkish in color, they seem to be reminiscent of the sleepless nights he had had. He had no tears in his eyes, it did not seem to have dried up, he had his usual numb face on, but one could see the disappointment, one could spot the signs of anger, one could see the emotion waiting to burst open. Still with a numb face on. The speed to which his car was reaching, must the highest he would have touched in years, he was driving as though there was no tomorrow.

The images from the showdown he had with Tina were flashing before his eyes. It was not new to him, they had fought about the same issue many a times, and today was not much different. He seem to be drawing blank reliving the scene, and he could feel his throat drying up, as he remembered the exact words that were exchanged. Coming from Tina, the only person who mattered to him, made the matters worse.

Tina had said No, yet again, she had refused to marry him yet again, he had done everything he could to make her think over her decision, with a lot of hope that she would reconsider his request. Tina had moved in with him three years back, their relationship had made many a heads turn, and both were proud of the dignified way in which they had carried off their relationship so far. Tina was adamant as ever, she did not want to marry, and he failed to understand her reason behind this. Tina knew him very well, she must have had absolutely no worry about her independence being hampered, she needn’t worry about her career either, he was a thorough gentleman who respected a woman the way she should be, he did not have any family either, so she had no fears of in-laws as well. He was exhausted trying to come up with possible reasons as to why said no. It was beyond his imagination.

Tina shared her every feeling with him, every emotion she felt was shared with him, and they could read each others mind in most of the circumstances, but for this situation. Tina seem to be hiding some fear, some doubt, some insecurity, some hidden secret, forcing herself to say no. Tina had been a hard working, career woman for long wanting to reach levels of success which always eluded her. She had let him know at times how much she feared loosing her career, losing the legacy which she had struggled to build up, fears she had about how her routine would change about work, and kids she feared the most. Every time she had come out with this fear, like any responsible person he had tried to reason out how normal family life is, and trying to let her know of the cold feet she has been having, but nothing seem to satisfy her.

He really did not need this he thought, he did think about the break up, wanting to look outside and see if he can get what he is looking for, a little more commitment, and the sanctity of marriage he now seemed to be obsessed with. He also knew the breakup would leave both of them devastated, its not something time pass the two shared, they really cared for each other.

Every time he had these sessions with himself, post the heavy showdown with Tina he went through three phases, He always began with telling himself, it was time for him to take an action, to ask her to move out, spare himself of all these pains he has to go through often, for once get rid of this never ending saga of heartbreaks. He never considered himself to be wrong in asking for the next step in their relationship. He would then move on to a second phase where he thought, may be she was right, may be their careers would get affected, may be they were best this way, with no tags attached, loving each other the way they were. May be they were meant to be this way, together.

The traffic signal which seemed way distant from him, was now just yards away, as though life had given him the signal he was looking for. He was close to his usual third phase, where he would take action as always. The traffic junction came by, and at the junction he spun his car around for a U turn and headed back to his place, back to his Tina

One could easily see the love for each other in their eyes, its not that they did not try to hide it, but the love and admiration for each other was too much for them to hide. It was almost as if they want to ignore it. They had read a lot about the work place romances, and their ill effects on each others career, and both of them did not want to risk their careers, something which they had achieved with lot of hard work.It did not come easy to him, he had always dismissed the idea of falling in love with someone, or idea of a relationship. She on the other hand had experienced it once, and knew the importance and the happiness in it. She seemed more calm, but still apprehensive about the unfolding events.

They were never a typical couple, they never hung out much together while at work, nor physically close to each other all the time. They did not even hang out much after work, both busy with their own personal lives after work, it was as though “love” was ironic in
their case.

What held them together was their countability to each other, anyday she could be sure that she could count on him for anything. Same was his case, he could trust her with anything when needed. No there was no money involved and no favors too, it was just the emotional support they sought in each other. The bond was growing stronger, with every shared thought on high and low days they spent together.

He always had a thing for single moms, no he was not of the types who would lust at the possible sight of a hot single mom. He had a theory that any person who has lost something would value it better, so a single mom would value love and commitment more than anything in her life, this is what he believed in.

It was not easy for her being a single mom, she had a lot many people in her frame, and more importantly her kid. The decisions she made was no longer totally hers, she had a kid to think about. It was not easy for him either, the society he lived in was not mature enough to handle a good hearted relationship with a single mom. All people thought, was that, he is an unmarried bachelor, trying to take advantage of a lonely single mother.

The kid was old enough now to accept the lack of a father, more importantly it was old enough to want one, he was filling the shoe very nicely. Even though they never noticed, the kid was beginning to accept the rare visitor.

He did not speak much, even when he was around once in a while helping her. One thing she noticed was that he was never sympathetic, he was never sorry for her, he treated her normal, just like any other woman, with equality in his own way. This is what had drawn her to him. More importantly he was open to accept her help whenever she offered, it may not be big things, just simple chores, she loved this quality of his.

After a lot of effort, and lots more thinking, he finally did it, he did propose to her. She knew this would happen some day, but she was surprised at herself for not giving an instantaneous yes, she did ask for a couple of days to think it over. She thought this would be a formality, and was sure she would say yes.

It turned out it was not a formality after all, every time she wanted to dial him up and say yes, there was some force which stopped her, she was not happy saying yes, she doubted, no not him, but herself, she doubted her worth, wondered if she was spoiling everyone’s life here. She was now spotting in herself, what others had seen in her. The “tear”, the feeling of a torn paper was eating her. She feared that how much ever she tries to
glue it together, people will spot the tear. After a lot of thinking, she decided to move on, leave the city and take the job at a distant place.

He too did move on, he married the one chosen by his family, not that he was very sad either, he had really moved on.

What she failed to realize was that it was not only her who left with a “tear”, it was also him, the paper did tear in his case too.

The paper did tear.

photo courtesy Smibee

He was fast asleep in his favorite spider-man jammies, the one he had dreamt about for long, and was very happy to have. It had been a very tiresome day, he was sleeping like a log. He felt a soft hand on his shoulder, within no time  the hand was shaking him up, trying to wake him I guess. He open his eyes reluctantly, he thought he must have really overslept, and his mom would be very wild at him he thought.

As he opened his eyes, he could here a chorus “Surprise”, He could see his mom and dad, with a small home made cake, with his name on top. It was his birthday, he was angry at himself for forgetting that, There were 8 full candles on the top, one for every wonderful year he had lived on this earth. His parents started to sing “happy birthday to you”, with the soft music of instruments playing on the music system. One could easily spot his happiness, he was almost grinning ear to ear.

He cut the cake with a small knife, which had a ribbon bow tied it, as he held the knife it started to play his favorite rhyme too, “Row Row Row your boat“. His happiness had no bounds. He quickly made his parents eat the piece he had cut, and also ate the rest of the piece. His father has brought him many gifts, which also included a coupon with permission to watch TV with no restrictions. His father also had kept his promise to take him out for a week vacation to his grandfather’s village, which he had always loved.

After the short but very sweet ceremony he was asked to sleep, so that they could enjoy the day next morning. He woke up, and eagerly rushed through his morning routine, he brushed his teeth and rushed downstairs, his mom had prepared his favorite breakfast combination, just the way his grand mom would make, Idli’s along with the khus-khus payasa [a sweet made of poppy seeds]. What made it more interesting was to see his mom take a day of her busy schedule to make his breakfast. As he sat at the breakfast table, he was surprised to see his dad reading newspaper patiently, he had never seen his dad in recent times being so laid back, In fact he hardly got to see him, as his parents used to get off to work before he wakes up and generally back only way past his bed time.

As he sat there having the breakfast he began to plan the day mentally, the places he would like to visit with his parents, the games he would love to play with them, and that playground which he passed daily with lots of kids playing with their parents. He had so many things to do. He did not want to waste time at all.

Just as he finished the breakfast, the phone rang, and it was his grandparents, calling to wish him on his birthday. They could easily make out the joy in their grandson’s voice, which they had been missing to spot for long long time.

He quickly took his shower, which he insisted that his mom should not help, well he was grown up now, and it was indeed shame to ask his mom to help, but she convinced him it should be her to dress him up, as she hardly got chance these days. He was happy indeed, to see his mom comb his hair, no one took so much interest to make sure the line on his forehead formed at the  parting of hairs was perfectly straight, and exactly to the left of his forehead. He loved it when she chose to be so perfect.

All set he was, for “his” day.

Just then he heard a buzzing sound, he could not help but get annoyed it was not stopping at all, it was some kind of a ring, he realized that it was his alarm, and it was morning. Poor guy he could not believe it was all his dream. He woke up, and he was right it was indeed his birthday. He quickly brushed his teeth and rushed down.

It was just another day, his parents had left already, the housekeeper was busy preparing his breakfast, she wished him a happy birthday, and handed him a huge collection of cleanly wrapped presents. Which he threw aside, got ready for his school quickly not showing his disappointment.

As he walked past the playground, still watching lots of kids playing, all  we could see was that he was humming his favorite rhyme

Row, row, row your boat,

Gently down the stream.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,

Life is like a dream.

I had been wanting to do this for quite some time now. I don’t read much fiction, nor much of a fiction admirer, but I wanted to try fiction. As I don’t have much clue, have been really skeptical about posting this. So here it is, my little attempt at fiction. I decided to call the story “May be”
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She stood there, looking outside the window, as though she was trying to spot someone, she continued to speak to her friend, the only one whom she could trust, but still she seemed to avoid looking in the eye, she really didn’t want to give it away. She knew, one look at smiling friend of hers, and the truth would come out. Had she always been like this?, she thought.

Friend was happy with love of her life, he used to drop in almost daily, their laughters and smiles was not alien to her anymore, Even though they tried to rope her into the fun, she always stayed out, made excuses, as always,she had her favorite pass time “the windows”. She found a little solace in watching crowd, or was it a means for her to drive away the sadness she felt looking at them.?

What she could not share with her friend anymore, used to get journaled in her dairy, it was more like a black book of her emotions, and a vent for her frustrations. Every page of it began with the same line, “If only, I had stopped myself during those unfortunate days”. Anybody who read a few pages could easily make out the level of impact those days had on he life and ever since.

She was really rendered clueless, she felt as if she had lost the ability to make choices, rather she had lost the faith in the ones she had made and ones she might end up making. She had chosen silence. She was not sure about it, but she did not want risk it any more, she already had the guilt of having betrayed someone, who had been so dear to her, more importantly for a reason she felt, was really not the other person’s fault.

She blamed herself, she blamed her own body and her soul. Those well hidden marks of thin blade cuts on her thighs and inner side of her hands spoke as to how much she had begun to hate her body. It seemed as though she wanted to punish her body, keep souvenirs reminding herself for years to come of the incident which changed her life.

It was a Sunday afternoon, she hated weekends, she had to spend the day with not much work, that meant more time to be “alone”, and time to introspect. She wanted herself to be busy, work did make her forget the pain. She heard her phone ring, it was her friend’s mom from the hospital. Her friend was admitted, she had no clue why, leaving things haywire she rushed.

Her friend was on the bed, she looked really pale, it had been quite some days since she was seen sans makeup, may be the paleness was well hidden all along, her friend finally opened up, it was not a small illness, she had had. Friend had been diagnosed to be HIV +ve. The cheerfulness of her friend never gave it away. She thought to herself, “HIV need not mean fatal”, and was sure her friend had lots of time. The only reply Doctor gave was, “may be, she has more time”.

She was so worried about her friend, that she did not, for even a second, think, she could be +VE too. Scenes from the past played in her eyes, the way she had given into her friend’s love. Every time she did that, she thought it was the biggest mistake, but his charms had lured her away. She had fallen for her own desires, and also in her own eyes.

As she came out of the hospital, she saw the guy walking in, he was as calm as usual, with fruits in his hands, and a smile on his face.

May be, if her friend had hinted about illness, she would have been more careful.
May be, if she had confided in her friend, her friend would have been more careful,
May be, there was nothing they could do,
May be, there was something they could do,
May be, he was also to blame,
May be, there was nothing to blame,
May be, it was her fault,
May be , it was her friend’s fault.

“May be’s” were all that she was left with.