Virtual Ramblings

Life has become a competition, and we all compete, and I am not really shy of admitting that we do compete for the best. I remember some years back, me and my friend were very jealous of a person whom we thought had a lot less brilliance, but was seeing far more success, we were way to young to realize modesty, tolerance, and other intellectual gifts people possess, anyways the point was, me being elderly as usual, tried to console him, and convince him not to worry too much, not to get frustrated, to which, he immediately replied “Oh, common, I know you are as frustrated as me, I bring it out in the open and you just stack it up“. This is one of the sentences which, I think I will never forget.

Today over at skittles the topic for Heads and Tails is “stack”, I don’t think if this fits the topic, but the only thing that came to my mind, when I saw the topic, is things we stack up, which we never give vent to. It made me think about things I should be stacking up and things I should be not.

I have a little problem when it comes to anger, I get angry very easily, may be due to lack of patience, or may be the food I eat :). NO I don’t think I have anger issues as such, but still compared to people I feel as ideal, I am far behind. Anyways its always in anger people end up doing things which they tend to regret later, I may not have done something which I had to regret big as of now, but I cannot be sure about the future.
Anyways coming back to the thing, it makes me wonder why can’t I stack up my anger, why can’t I be easy on the self, and on others, why can’t I give them a chance, may be forgive more. The problem seems to be with forgiving and forgetting, but before that the main problem seems to be inability to stack up anger and think with a cool head.

For a person who cannot stack up anger, I tend to stack up a lot of frustration, exactly the opposite to the way it should be, whenever I am frustrated with stuff, I tend to stack it up, trying to keep it to myself, whatever it is, it never comes out. Why can’t I vent the frustrations, If I am not happy with someone, or with something, shouldn’t I speak it out?, may be things would change for the good, if the other person comes to know about my frustrations. But NO I end stacking it up. Again I am not a big frustrated guy as this may sound, just that I tend to not speak out stuff when I am frustrated. Some wise guy once said, “Silence is the blocking fence to the talks of the mind”, why do I do it. Why do I stack it up.

Tough thing in life is not to know whats wrong, but to stop yourself from doing it, knowing it is wrong. We tend to easily put the blame on the situation, god, even sometimes haste, but somewhere we know its just our weak will power.

This is just an effort to get my stacks in open, and trying to turn them around.

Not long ago I was a student, even though our learning process never ends, the life of academic learning is almost over in my case. From outsider’s perspective, I have been an excellent student, I am sure most of my teachers would feel similar about me. I cannot blame them nor myself, we all have grown up with the same school of thought, thought being, a student is good or bad being judged by the score he gets.

When I entered school may be even before first grade, the only question people used to ask me was, so did you do well in school, did you stand first in class, and obviously my impression of purpose of school was to compete, stand first in the class, score the highest, and somewhere inbetween all this the focus on learning got lost. I really dont blame my parents on this one, in a vast country like India or may be any other country for that matter, the only hope for a middle class family is a good paying job, and as they are scarce, people are left with nothing but to compete for the top spot.

The sole focus of middle and high school was to score high enough to get into a decent pre-university college, actually decent was not good enough, we had to aim big, may be the best
college in Bangalore south, and in our times, it was National College Jayangar, [though highly debatable], anyways what I wanted to say here, is that how the priorities during schooling gets easily screwed up, all I wanted is it to get into NCJ, as it was popularly known.

Actually I was learning, not that you can score without really learning, but what I want to say is, If I had focussed on learning, I could have learnt a lot more than I actually did, and if teachers had not focussed on making us score maximum in the board exams, they could have thaught a lot more.

When I landed into university to do my bachelors, I had just missed a rank in pre-university, the fact that I did everything I could, but still failed to end up in the top had really hurt me, so my bachelors had to have that extra zing in there, an extra hard attempt to get to the top, which I had accidentally stumbled upon during high school.

I had huge plans as to how my Bachelors course would be, a lot to learn in the area I was very interested in, computers, I used to think the degree as it is called a professional course, should be more profession oriented, so we “HAVE” to learn, get to experiment, and try our hands in learning to the depths. In a way the extra determination to get to the top, ruined that entirely for me.

I was indeed learning a lot of new things, interesting ones, the logic associated with many subjects we studied was something which was extremly satisfying, but then somewhere instead of reaching the depths, I put the boundries to it, the boundry called syllabus, when I found something really interesting, instead of actually doing more research on it, I just pushed them aside,as it was not important for the course. Now If I had given more importance to those, somewhere I had to give up on some topics in syllabus, which would reduce my score, which was not at all acceptable, you had to be consistant to have a high average, and which ended with a high probability of a high paying job during on campus selections. I really don’t blame myself for any of those decisions I took, not that I couldn’t have survived without high score, just thats what was really expected out of us, we all needed a good paying job.

Somewhere all along the way learning took a back seat.

Just the other day was reading about the concept of gradeless education, which was tried as a revolution in various universities in the states during 1970s, how there used to be no evaluation of the student at all. Even though I am not sure how practical that would have been, but something really fascinating, something worth fantasising about.No evaluation would mean, that students have only one goal, thats to please themselves, something which we think is very easy, believe me, its not, we always set high standards for ourselves, and the best part is there needs to be no external force to push you onto do stuff, only you will set what is good for you, and work towards it.

This part of defining whats good for the self, whats the best I can do, is something which really fascinates me, I cant imagine anyone who would like to underestimate oneself. I guess with grades there comes a lot of complacency, and fixed targets, we aim for a top 10%, or a first class, or just to scrape through as our goals. Now when there will be no bracket goals, we tend to focus more on, what would benifit us more, where we would have more fun, and what will give us maximum satisfaction.

Something which I badly ignored during my college days was literature, I knew it was not important to get into a good college, I was so much interested in the languages, I still am, no I have never been a big reader of books, again one of the choices you need to make when you set some goals, which though look materialistic, are absolutely practical. How much would I give, to go back, and give more importance to those subjects back during pre-university.

After a long time I am thinking of pursuing one of those passions, or may be you can call craze, of mine. I finally got my lazy ass to go upto a foriegn language centre, though it turned out to be an anti-climax with it being closed for the day, I did leave my number with them, looks like they might get back to me soon on this one. Hoping to really “learn” this time around.

I had an interesting conversation with a nice friend of mine. Well she wanted to say sorry to me because she said “You are a total mess” yesterday, and she was feeling sorry because she really meant when she said that. I know I tend to give more importance to things, more than they actually deserve, but still. This conversation put two thoughts into my mind immediately.

Firstly I loved her honesty, honesty in telling me what she felt about me. Anybody who sees me as a mess had not come up to me and told me that. If it was “some” person I wouldn’t have cared, but she is not one I would call “Some”.
Secondly I didn’t like she apologized, does she really need to say sorry when she tells me what she honestly feels?. I don’t think so, that too after knowing me, she does know I am not the kind who would not accept criticism or advice.

This really made me to think on two totally different things. This thing called ego is so strange right. Sometimes small things hurt my ego. A person commenting on my accent, dressing or even books I read. It really annoys me when people who don’t have any idea about me or the thing they are talking about criticize me. These people are the ones I don’t care about, but still their comments hurt my ego. I have made sure at least I don’t bring bias into ego, a particular class, gender or age group do not hurt my ego more. Its just people whom I don’t care that hurt my ego more.
Now, people I care about, their opinion never hurts me nor my ego. It does make me think. I really can tell when people I care are talking with sense and seriousness. Really it does not make me angry, it just puts me in a thinking mode, and provides me areas to work on. I am sounding too idealistic. I am not. There have been numerous instances where I haven’t agreed with what they think about me. The fact that I don’t let people know about the conflicts, does not mean they do not exist. When you know people’s intentions, and somewhere deep down you know they are talking truth, there is no point in getting angry right?

Coming back to me being a mess. Well its true. I am a total mess with my personal life, it always gets lost behind my professional life. I am not really sure I ended up like this, but somehow I cant take my mind off work when I am off it. It takes something really big to keep my mind of it, for long time.

I do agree that its really not worth it, nor it is required always, but still I tend to worry a lot about things concerning work. I tend to over worry about the schedule and quality of work items I work on. I always used to think Its happening because I am doing it to impress my peers/superiors/ or even big bosses, when people started to get impressed, I kind of made up my mind that this is the right way to impress them. I am not that immature, that I cant realize, that I need not do this to impress anymore, I am confidant enough that my work will speak for itself. Then what is it that makes me worry?.Wish I had answer to this question.

I have always criticized my mother, when she tends to worry too much on things she should not be thinking about. She does it in personal life, and I do it both in personal and professional life I guess.

The conversation surprised me a little, has it become that obvious, so visible that people think I need to change. I just started to wonder. Currently I am not in any kind of relationship, nor have been previously. If I am letting my work affect my friendship, I am just wondering what would really happen when I get into a real relationship and commitments.

I do want to improve, and I have started a little. My idea to blog was one of my efforts, to divert my mind to another passion, to make sure I enjoy something, to get away from my normal thoughts for a while, to look deep into myself, to tell things which I feel strongly, to people who will not judge the thought by the person I am, and me from the thoughts I have. I kind of give myself almost 2 full hours per day to do things I like to.

When it comes to social life, I have never been a social person, I always like small groups of close people, with more personal relations. Also I have never been a person with lot of hobbies and outdoor activities. I kind of don’t like to change this either. But yes I did understand what my friend wanted to tell me and I hope that I will improve.

At the end of an extremely busy and a crappy mood day, I just have three questions.

Why do I worry about work so much?
What do I have to do to forget something as trivial as work?
When will I learn to say NO?

no clue guys.
Just hoping that tomorrow is awesome.

My second attempt at fifty fived charmers, have to say, more lasting hook than I thought.

I think of days,
A late morning, A long breakfast, A quick bath,
Loads of games, longer lunch, and never ending chats.

Days never ended for the next one to begin.

Yes I agree, It was the same me,
It was the same day,
Its just those people, who are missing.

Gone, Lost, or some never cared,
but,
Sometimes, few, do come back

Mondays seem to have become my dilemma day of the week, it feels as if I always get struck with a problem with no definite answer.

I guess almost all of us want to live a life, where we do what we want to do, more than what we want to do, I would prefer a life, where I don’t have to do anything, which I don’t want to do. A life where I am not compelled to do anything because I have to, or people around me think I have to.

Society and family are two things which you want or not, is tagged to you, with family comes relatives, and with relatives comes a lot of formalities. I hate these formalities, many days I feel sick of faking a smile to a person whom I don’t know, sympathy and compassion to people whom I don’t care about. I feel its like cheating both of us. Some time back, the old me would have not bothered about all these and just faked and not have gotten into any problem or dilemma. But not the current me.

Just the other day, I had an argument with my mom, well there is nothing new about that, but still I refused to fake a feeling to one of my relatives and she didn’t like it, I really don’t blame her, In a way what she says is correct, when in society we are expected to follow few things, and if we don’t whats the difference between us and animals.

Well I totally agree with my mother, but my feel of not cheating that person was much more than my concern to what people think.

I guess I was right, and she was not wrong either.

Sometimes I wish, to forget everything that I like and everything that I hate, start with a new value system, forget my perspective, forget the things I look for, forget the things I try to find, forget the kind of people I want to be with, forget the standards that I have set for myself, forget the responsibility that I expect from myself, forget that I represent someone and somethings, forget the legacy called myself.

Sometimes I think, fun is most important thing in life, why do I have to worry about the future, enjoy the life I currently have, taking it day by day, no past no future. People, money and relationships, bring the fun element in. Do I really have to care, if the others are having fun too?, is it not enough that I am having fun?. But what is that “Fun”, I have almost forgotten what is fun to me. Not to sound cliched, I have begun to find fun in things I hated, sometimes I feel I have settled for this “fun”.

Sometimes I feel, that I am boring myself, nobody else is doing that to me, but its myself. I am turning myself into this mechanical person. I can literally feel people getting bored around me. sometimes my ideas and thoughts bore me too, thats when I feel I have hit the rock bottom. I have got music, books that keep me interested. Lately its been blogging, blogging has really been awesome. But the question still remains, what next?

Sometimes I wonder, what would have happened If I had different priorities, would it be more fun?, would I have enjoyed more?, should studies not have been my priority?. I have seen people who were at as good as me, not worry about studies so much, still doing same or better things than me. I am definitely not jealous of them, just wondering, was I wrong in what I chose?. Did I chose the wrong idols?, Was someone needed to be in my life all along? or is it just an illusion that the other side is greener.

Sometimes I realize, I am not alone in dilemma, I read what people write, about their fun, their happiness, their problems and their feelings, somewhere I can see that everyone has somewhat similar problems. Sometimes I also seriously doubt, is it me who is picking people with similar problems to read?. Its possible that people are troubled by something similar, what If? kind of a situation. Realization is something which is a continuous process, but why is it that it always difficult to realize?

Sometimes I react, with total awe of my own feelings, and sometimes with total disgust, sometimes with anger, sometimes with helplessness. The common thing is that I react, somewhere I read today “I am alive not just breathing”. It struck me, so many of us might be doing contrary right, just breathing. I want to add something to my reactions. I want to react wildly, take a real bad decision, completely unplanned, completely surprising myself, may be sometime soon.

Watch out people!

Firstly I would like to apologize to all people, I was trying to do something stupid on my blog yesterday because of which some of my old posts have started showing up as new, All people who have me on their feed reader, sorry for the inconvenience.

I had a really foody weekend, I had been to some really nice restaurants and had some xcellent food. On Saturday I was invited to a party by my cousin, who was here from Hyderabad [another city in India]. He had set up a party for all male cousins of his, at a bar.

For people who dont know me that well. I used to drink alcohol. I was never a big drinker nor a regular one, but I used to once in a while. It all started when I was about to finish my university, since I was the youngest in my age group of cousins, they had already started to work and drink occasionally. I used to go with them for dinner or parties, and used to be the odd man out when it comes to drinking. I had one of my principles that, I would not drink out of my Father’s money. That meant that till I start to work no drink. I used to get tempted naturally due to curiosity and I used to take a sip or two from my cousin’s glasses. Once I started to work I used to take a 4/5 drinks in a month. I used to love vodka and cocktails were my favorite. Then on my trip to US got hooked on to Bud-light, and used to have like 4 beers per week. After coming back to India I almost got back to my original habit of around 4/5 drinks per month.

Suddenly some time in November 2006, I felt this sudden urge to stop the habit. I think I wanted to test my self control and test my drive regarding the un-cling policy. I stopped to drink. I did not have a drink for long time. I just broke my vow during my recent vacation which I don’t regret. It was a conscious decision to enjoy the exotic drinks which I wont get in other places.

Coming back to the subject. When I walked into the party, I knew I did not want to drink, I also knew that my cousins wont let me “not” drink. More than that I did not think I could control myself. I thought with all people drinking and me thinking that drinking is not bad, might tempt me into having a drink. The worst part is having people egging you to just take a sip.

I sat on a table with 7 people drinking and discussing drinks, I ordered a coke to begin with. Almost at the end of the coke. I had heard all kinds of comments from my cousins. Apparently “I have stopped because of my non existent girlfriend” also I have stopped because “My mom found out” [not that she didn't knew before], I have stopped because “I have someone in sight”, the list goes on… Anyways I did not really heed to any of the comments. But internally I knew the smell was tempting me, just to take a sip.

I finished my coke and ordered a mango drink, also my mind had cleared by then. It was just the anxiousness about not drinking more than the want to drink. I had survived. I had survived a big test. I guess my self control towards temptation is not all that bad..

Drink was just a symbol I guess, it was the symbol of weakness, it was symbol of attachment. I really wanted to do this. I sometimes think, “The worst person to meet in a battlefield, is not your worst enemy but yourself“. It feels really good when you emerge victorious.

Its almost 10Pm today, I am almost at end of my day. Lets do a quick check of my mental state. I am still not totally over the sadness. Most my day was busy at work, doing something or another. This kept my mind totally off the crazy state.
There was no one in person who cheered me up. I miss all those people who used to cheer me up. Where are you guys.???
One thing which did it a little was “Food”, today was the day for food. I had extremely heavy lunch with friends from work, we also had a nice chat during lunch. Dinner was again full and heavy, I went along with my cousin, his wife and his kid, my dad and mom, a full house at my favorite place. I had so much food today. The icing on the cake were 2 cold rabdi’s [A dish made out of condensed milk]
Hoping to be back to my normal self tomorrow.

Today is one of those crazy days, days when I wake up and feel sad for no reason, more then sadness its kind of lack of interest in anything. I guess I can put it as daily blues. Day when I hate people whom I like, and like people whom I hate all because of no reason. I am not sure what I am searching today, or whom I am waiting for, what I am missing or whom I am looking forward to.
Crazy day ha!. I wanted to pen this down at a time when I am not sure what will happen to my crazy feeling. Will I end up cheered up by someone or something or will this be one such gloomy days.
Hopefully part 2 of this post will contain the answer !