Virtual Ramblings

“You” are a Male
“You” are a Kannadiga
“You” are a South Indian
“You” are an Indian
“You” are an Asian
“You” are a Hindu
“You” are Brown
“You” are a IT Professional

When am I going to be “me” , Just “me”?
When am “I” going to be blamed for “my” mistakes ?
when am “I” going to get credit for “my” success?

As a kid when I passed by an icecream shop I was drawn to it, I wanted one cone, I never felt bad that I wanted something, I have never dismissed my wants, I have always wanted them passionately, and I have never dismissed my passion, infact I have been proud of my passion for things. But passion can easily grow into envy and then to jealousy. Traditionally both envy and jealousy have been termed bad, people are told be beware of those to feelings, and told to guard themselves away from them.

Theoretically I agree that jealousy is an extreme feeling, and generally harm people who get into it. But isn’t jealousy a very common emotion?, just like you feel happy/sad/angry naturally, you also feel jealous too isn’t it?. If you guys have much self control over emotions that you have never envied anything/anyone than may be I am a very less of a human being. I do envy things, I do envy people, and sometimes I do feel jealous.

As a man in his quarter life, I am on the look our for many things, yep I finally have broken out from the quarter life crisis, not knowing what I want, suddenly things I want seem to be falling into place. I am no saint, I have materialistic things on my list to work for, and also non materialistic things. So now that I know what I want, I am working towards them, some with immediate actions, some with a plan, and some just waiting to have in future. These things amazingly prioritize themselves too, I mean some I seem to want a lot more, and hoping that they happen somehow, and most of them fall into the last category, I mean my wants for the future, which directly I may not have control over, and some which I can do my efforts and have no control on the outcome. Some are really materialistic, and I am surprised I want to have them because there was a time I loathed people who went after them

Over last few months, one of such wants is making me envious. I do not have the word power to express what is it that’s making me envy some, infact every time I get the feeling I am feeling a little bit of envy, I am unknowingly getting disgusted at myself, and driving me out of the scene, making sure I don’t get to listen/view or discuss the matter, and the sad part is that people involved, even though they do not know about it, secretly I have a fear that I may begin to dislike them, like the way its illustrated in all possible media, the rift formed by envy/jealousy. I fear what If I get into that groove.

Jealousy is always considered to be self centric, a selfish act which helps no one, but if you do not think about the extremes, it does help people to work with a better zeal towards the goal, when I grew envious of the kid who used to top the class always, I struggled for 3 full years to topple her at the top. It has not always been bad to me, and I know that, but then why do I fear now?, why am I afraid of my envy?.

When the thought of writing something on my jealousy came up first thing I did was to look up at wikipedia. And I was surprised at their definition and also their distinction between envy and jealousy
Jealousy : “Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival”
Envy:“Envy may be defined as an emotion that “occurs when a person lacks another’s superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it.”
“Jealousy concerns something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy concerns something one does not have and either he wants to acquire (nonmalicious envy) or he wants the other(s) not to have (malicious envy)”

After going through this I realize, I have never used the word properly, may be going by this definition I am not jealous, I may be lot more envious.

As usual I am left with a lot of questions at the end.
Is a feeling of envy/jealous normal?,

Is it normal if you end up feeling a little envious about things you want badly for you?,

Does it always indicate desperation?,

Does one need to panic when he feels he is feeling a little envy,?

How does one get himself out of it?, is avoiding a good solution for it, if at all this is a problem?,

Do you feel envy/jealous at times?.

We get used to our own thoughts, beliefs and sensibilities, you speak to people who think very much like you, people who perceive the same sensibilities and believe the same beliefs and then you tend to believe that world is like you, and all us are similar. Once in a while its good to be reminded that world is full of variety and each of us think so differently.

Today I was reminded that how easily one can be the odd man out, how one can be perceived “desperate” or “mad” by people. For a moment I was very angry, in fact a part of me is still angry, but then the more calmer side in me won today, easily I could have argued or had a verbal argument with a couple of people, but then I was in no mood to fight today, and also at that moment for some strange reason I thought they would never understand, even If I argue all day, all I am doing is proving myself to be more “mad” in front of them.

It all started with a discussion about cheerleading which is kind of new to India. The new IPL [Indian Premier League] has brought in the concept of cheerleading to India and Indian cricket. Vijay Mallya who was in charge of the opening ceremony brought in Washington RedSkins for the opening ceremony, which did not go well with many Indians, especially couple of people who travel with me. According to them, instead of giving so much money to them, they could have invited some talents within Karnataka, and they really did not get what a cheer leading team actually does. I was of the opinion that, I totally support that some talents within Karnataka should be given a chance, but what I did not agree was the use of word “instead”.

Today on the way back, somehow the topic of belly dancing came up, I was saying that many people are taking up this form of dancing for fun, and while speaking on that, It just came out that I suggested my cousin’s wife to take up belly dancing for fun. The  usual clichéd arguments came out, and I was saying there is nothing wrong with the belly dancing, and even though I did not use the exact words, what  I wanted to say was its not some kind of erotica or cheap vulgar dance form as it is made out to be. I was greeted with a interpretations of turning into a desperate person, and one jokingly made a comment of saying “mad” person, I did not take it as a joke, I was furious at that person.

That’s when I realized how different our sensibilities are, may be he is right in many eyes, and I am right in some eyes, but the divide is huge. I don’t even want to think about who was right who was wrong. I felt I must be appearing the same way to them, as they appear to me,  as someone who has absolutely no sense, may be its difference in ideologies, or may be just the way we think.

Its so simple to make instant noodles isn’t it?, I mean all you need to do is turn the packet over, and look for directions as to how to make yourself a wonderful cup of the yummy noodles. I wish many a times that our days were like this, we wake up and open the newspaper and bang, you have all the directions to make your day an awesome one. Two large hour-full spoons of self time, Two and a half cups of  soulful movie with a mate,  A stirring lunch with the family, some boiling playtime with the guys, a cool and soothing dinner at a fancy place, and a couple of miles of moon walk along the beach for the garnishing. Wish it was this simple to make a day awesome, all we need to do is turn over and look for directions

As a kid I remember getting directions from my parents, jumping on the sofa was a big no no, skipping dinner was forbidden, laughing too loudly while having food was almost a un forgivable sin. Sometimes I wish our emotions could take orders like these, I wish I could order myself in the middle of  a busy day, now is the time Laugh loudly, Wish I could forbid thinking anything about work once I reach home, wish I could control my urge to just go up the highs of a vacation when I am supposed to be reviewing an artifact at my workplace. It would be so simple isn’t it, if we could give directions to our mind.

Have you ever checked your deodorant spray? It does have directions for usage, we are supposed to open the cap, keep the nozzle at around 6 inches away from the body, and press the release button for about a second. It also comes with a caution of being highly inflammable, and directs the user to discontinue if a rash develops. Shouldn’t we have such directions to vent our bottled frustrations?, I mean keep your bottled frustration at a safe distance from your family, keep the cap tightly closed, when no ones’ around and you can’t hold it any more, give a  vent for few seconds, one should be cautious of as this can be highly destructible, and should be immediately discontinued in case of any signs rage.

I was once bored and alone in Arizona, and I wanted to go and try meeting someone at a local bar, knowing my socializing abilities, I wanted a backup, I wanted a bar that played music, just in case [in high probabilities] I chicken out speaking to strangers at a bar. So I choose some bar close by on the internet, and take the driving directions from the google maps. I take my car out, and follow the directions the reach the destination, only to find out the bar has long gone, and has been replaced by a dingy and dangerous looking central American place and is named La Bamba. Why does it happen in life, I mean why do we take pains in knowing the exact directions, reach the destination to find out that we were just a bit late, what we wanted has long perished, and whats remaining has nothing to offer.

The topic today over at skittles was “directions”.. and needless to say my mind ran in all four of them

Waking up,
To a cold morning,
He dragged his lifeless body around,
In search of little warmth,
In search of that comfort,
In search of a little life.

Standing under the shower,
Turned the knob of hope.

Drops of cold water,
Splashing onto his naked skin,
chill biting into his cold,
A triumph through numbness.

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Prompt over at writer’s Island this week is “Triumph” and “Survivor”, and I kind of attempted a mixture of both, and in my favorite 55 word format.

Remember the question I asked some time back?

“People who do not affect us, people who really do not care much about us, people who were close to us once upon a time, people who have grown up and apart, why do they still matter to us so much?, why can’t we forget that people who have drifted apart?“

I think I am back to the same thought again today, I think I found the answer, “Time”, how effectively it makes us forget people, and reduced their need, their importance.

This put a even bigger question on my mind, are people really important?, people who did not stand the test of time, do they still matter to us?, is “mattering” just a function of time?, or time just hides the importance and people will be back to haunt us soon.

Smiling faces attract me. its very easy to appear beautiful, not just to me, but many others like me, all one needs to do, is smile. Smiles of any kind are attractive, the shy one, the reluctant one, the one on verge of a laughter, a highly controlled one, any type for that matter. I just can’t resist a smiling face.

I have about 30 minutes in the morning, between getting ready for work, and actually leaving for work. The 30 minutes are reserved for having my breakfast and a morning cup of my tea, while I am having my breakfast, I sneak in 30 minutes of Television. As my evenings go in either calls, or reading/writing blogs, the only time I get to watch television are 30 minutes in the morning, I need to cram in couple of cartoons, and some Kannada songs on U2, and some hindi ones on any music channel. Now in between while surfing, I generally lookup movies playing on TV, and do get to watch few minutes if the movie interests me. I got to watch few minutes of the movie mili on Wednesday, I have seen it earlier, but I had always dismissed the movie with an opinion that it’s a imitation of “anand” one of my all time favorite movie. Both the movies are about a person suffering from cancer, and their journey towards their death.

As I was watching the movie, there was one scene, when the patient is down with fever and almost in final stages of her life. One can see the heavy dark bags below the eyes, the face is almost down, and once very enthusiastic mili is very dull and quiet. That’s when she sees the leading actor Amitabh walk in to her room, and her face instantaneously picks up and she smiles. I have to admit, I just loved the scene, its so natural, and one can genuinely spot happiness on her face, even in desperate situation, the smile of hope is something a class about the ones I mentioned at the beginning of the post. The hope evident in the smile was highly impacting on me, I must admit I was kind of floored, I liked the scene very much.

What is it about hope that makes it so wonderful?. Being hopeful in this world is pretty difficult, I mean with so much of darkness around even hoping for a ray looks foolish, but not everyone has lost hope isn’t it?, I see many a hopeful faces around, I see them smiling, and believe me there is no one more beautiful than these smiling ones.

I want to be that lost highway,
Which people drive through ,
En route to their destiny,
Which people take un-trustingly,
With doubts in their minds,
Not sure of the outcome.
Accompanying them through their journey,
Never, a part of their celebration,
But always happy to lead.
I want to be that lost highway.

I want to be that lost highway,
Which people hitch hike.
Providing challenges to adventurous souls,
People willing to explore
People daring to take the risk.
Providing them memories to remember,
Providing them stories to relive,
Being part of their conquest,
Without them having to realize.
I want to be that lost highway.

I want to be that lost highway,
Which people walk through
En route, pilgrimage,
Providing them the path, and strength,
Being part of the heritage,
Being part of the realization,
Still unnoticed, still un-credited.
I want to be that lost highway.

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Topic over at writer’s island today is “Lost Highway”, hope this makes some sense.

One of my oldest blog buddies Sunshine who writes at Mostly Monologues had an interesting post Capturing-Life-in-Six-Words some days back, was thinking of attempting this one and I saw Ideasmithy say this Memoirs Of A Story-teller. Here’s my attempt at a memoir in six words

‘In pursuit of a better “Me”’

The other day I was going through my daily routine of reading the newspaper, and this article, a pure example of the yellow journalism we are subjected to, caught my eye. This was yet another celebrity gossip about a relationship going kaput, what was interesting though was the reason cited. Apparently the demand for prenuptial agreement did not go down well with the male and his family. Now the word “prenuptial” is almost unheard of when it comes to normal middle class families like us, this part of the new age marriage made me think a little.

Some time back I was interested in a speculation made by a person in media, he thought soon people will begin to demand medical examination results and HIV test results before agreeing for the marriage, which I kind of felt looked very practical, though totally against my belief of blind trust in relationship. Prenuptial agreements too appear to me as a step in a negative direction when it comes to marriage, when a couple begin their journey through the sanctity of marriage, should they really think about how they should handle a possible divorce?, at the beginning of such an important phase in life should one really worry about the money matters?. Or does it really indicate the lack of confidence in both the parties who are entering into the relationships.

As I said previously on one of my posts, most of us men are not prepared in the true sense when it comes to marriage, I think most of us learn the hard way as when we are required to learn, or just act on upon a adamant belief that we cannot do anything wrong, the same goes with the new age brides as well, I feel we think a lot less before committing to some things, and marriage or other relationships too have become a part of our actions. I do not think this is wrong, because that’s a phase of evolution our society is going through. So now when we are asked to do some risk mitigation, why does it hurt?. We are so used to this term when it comes to corporate world, every possible risk has mitigation plan, so in a country where number of arranged marriages are still high, isn’t failure in a relationship a huge risk and a high probable one, well may not be, but what’s wrong in having a mitigation plan, what’s wrong if a person or both in some cases want to decide well upfront how they are going to handle assets in case of a failed marriage.

Prenuptial agreements are not completely unheard off in Hindu religion, may be it was never about the money matters, but most of the verses that are sung as a part a marriage ceremony are nothing but prenuptial agreements, I agree its more in the form of the oath we take, but still it is an agreement, it’s a promise made by the groom to the bride and to the entire society. “Dharma cha, artha cha, kama cha, nathi charami”, this is the agreement/oath the groom takes in a hindu marriage which means

“ I , to perform the Purushartha of the human life in this form am taking or accepting he as my wife. She is already oered to the cosmic mind and cosmic will and to the eternal truth. (meaning this marriage is only to the continuation of the evolution.) I will not tress pass her in the performance of Dharma - all such acts that aid the evolution, Artha-all acts that allows to create utilities of life,(money earning is one such act that creates the utilities of the life, and the artha is not merely money or paper currency) and Kama- all such desires that come across in the life of us.( the Kama in the purview of the Sages is not only sex but the whole range of the desires.)”

[You can read the rest of the explanation here]

So isn’t this an agreement we commit upon?, may be in ages where the social commitment was of atmost importance this was more than enough, but as per todays society may be we need some legal agreements to just bring in the sense of commitment what is expected in marriage.

This is the point which made me think not so great about these agreements, I mean if the idea was to make sure people are more committed, and have a little sense of fear making them work hard to make the relationship work, probably I would have accepted the new age agreements with whole heart, but it appears as if these agreements are more to ensure none of the parties involved are in total loss in case it breaks, I feel that should not be the attitude when one approaches a marriage.

May be money does this to people, when lot of it is involved, the attachment to money is much more than to the loved one, and one fears that they might loose both at one go, and hence they want to safeguard at least one of the two, as they cannot [or may not ] be sure if they can permanently hold on to the other person, they take the easier route of safeguarding the one thing which they easily can, that’s money.

I am still not distinctively opinionated in this regard, I am being torn between the practical sense the subject makes to me, and also the negative vibes this brings into marriage. The absolute sense the risk mitigation brought by it to the table and the complete opposition it does to my beliefs of total trust in a relation.

Am I the only one who feels confused?, what do you guys think?, prenuptial agreements a possibility in Indian marriages soon?