Have you ever felt that, you are living a life of what you want to be, rather than who you are?.

Have you ever wondered where we get to make the easiest of the choices?, a single word “wardrobe” comes to my mind, of course some of my choosy friends might disagree with me, but then I am sure no one would argue with the amount of choices our wardrobe has to offer, at least in pure numbers it has to be the single biggest place for our choices. Have you ever wondered what if, we had a wardrobe of emotions to choose from, you wake up in the morning and go into your closet, and choose, ah there it is, this is the emotion I am gonna feel today. Wouldnt it be wonderful?.

I think its been a week now, since this thought came into my head, or rather should I say ‘our’ head, it was one of those short chats with a blogger friend, where we both at a point just fell for the idea of a wardrobe of emotions. If not her, I am sure I did.

I wish I could go to apple store, and they would say “We have an app for that”, wouldn’t that be amazing?.

I find people dancing in a wedding very funny, or rather embarrassing, I always wonder why do they embarrass themselves in public?, why would one want to dance on streets, I never saw the point.  When people hug and kiss at airports, or for that matter when people cry when someone is going away, I used to feel why do people need to be dramatic, isn’t this a little too much?.

If you ever thought human emotions are very complex, and many a times its difficult to even emote our real emotions, let me tell you I couldn’t have agreed with you more. But just that, guys, we are so much wrong. Human emotions are very simple, and we make it complex by not accepting them, or by trying to deny our urge to emote. For example a dancing in a wedding, is such a simple emotion of living one’s happiness. If someone [read me, or people like me] wants to just not act upon their emotions and just try to feel it half heartedly, then yep there you go, we successfully complicated such a simple emotion like happiness.

I have written over years about my issues with physical touch, I mean hugs are a big no to me, one can visibly see me embarrassed, in fact I am so much embarrassed that I would feel awkward if someone sent me a virtual hug, have many times wondered why. I always reasoned that hug is a very intimate way of expressing emotion, and  I have had issues with intimacy. But guess what, its all bull shit. I had a junk yard, for a mind, and had too much in there to realize its just a simple way to emote the bonding.

Why do we do this?, why do we get embarrassed to emote, why are men  embarrassed to cry, why do we think twice before hugging a friend be it the same or opposite sex, why do we think a hundred time before telling someone we missed you, why do we just don’t pick up a phone and tell a friend we need to talk more often, why are we afraid of taking our parents for an evening walk, why do you shy away when your grandmother wants to break a piece from her share of a sweet?.

I guess here’s the app I was looking for. It’s more than the wardrobe, its our hesitation to carry off, or flaunt what we have, which makes us hide things in our closet deep enough to make it not visible. We have to search for it because we have hidden it behind all our pseudo beliefs and restrictions.

So what say guys, anybody wants to try this with me?.

After a long time a new 21 day rule,

Wearing emotions.

I miss blogging, but I am in no mood to write..

Have you ever felt this?.

anyhow..

For people who do not believe in enlightenment..and have thought of “bodhi vruksha” moment as more of an elongated process than a sole second affair [In other words people like me], just think another time guys. Over last couple of weeks, I am getting jolts of reality doses about myself, and am ending up making some really good mental decisions, easing out all the unwanted worries from brain. Yep guys, its that time of the year, yet another attempt at detachment in full swing

In short, I am kicking some serious worry ass on the way to some chilled out bliss.

Nope, I am not drinking too much

So for people who have wondered where the heck is rambler, [the count of which is 0 including the real me], here’s a been there dont that list from last few days

Places where I got to dine and poop
Miami, Fl
Key west, Fl
Fort Lauderdale, Fl
Nautural Bridge Caverns, TX
San Antonio, TX

Pages I got to skip
Hardcore Zen:Punk Rock, Monster movies and the truth about reality – Brad Warner
Hypnotizing Maria – Richard Bach
The shadow of the Wind Carlos Ruiz Zafon
A thousand splendid suns – Khaled Hosseini

A few first shots I got to take
A reality check on stalactites and stalagmites
A party vacation
First humiliation of having to dance in public [Did not realize I alcohol could give me such a high, and make me take insane decisions]
“The Grind”

I have been a real bad blogger off late, not because I haven’t been reading my reader, not because I have not been writing my thoughts, not because I hardly chat with people from blog world who have become such good friends over time, it’s because I didnt even miss blogging, I did not miss not having a forum to express my thoughts, I didnt even felt the want to write them.

I don’t know if it’s a phase, or I just walked out of one. I just dont know.

I am just back from a vacation, where I had loads of fun, tons of firsts, and even more fun. I am trying to motivate myself enough to write my travelogue [Something I used to love doing]. Anyways more on this later.

The other day I was reading something and this thought of  “What I could have been” came to me. I know what I am right, what If I had been something else, well I kind of day dreamt the different things I could be doing, it was very interesting to look closely at how I see an alternate me.

I could have been a someone struggling to break even in business if my dad and mom had chosen to stay back in Gujrat. Well I really cannot imagine myself doing business, as I am not cut out for that, well you never know. Realstically I picture of Anupum Kher from Ram Lakhan comes to my mind. May be a balder and a fatter version though.

I could have just made that small extra push in highschool, which would mean someone leaving in Rochester would be living in Bangalore instead, and I would have many more memories to cherish upon, and not just a single page from a notebook.

I could have been swimming instead of walking in knee deep water, if I knew how to pick my battles with my mom, and fight for the right stuff. Instead of a new ‘hero’ pen, I could have fought for a month of swimming lessons.

I could have walked around the pangong lake with some good friends, if I had not considered the money it costed, and use parents as an excuse from the vacation. I would not have this repent that I missed out on a great trip.

I could have been this middle aged married guy, in suburbs of california, if I had chosen to go ahead with my masters. I have so many real and fake reasons for this, I cant even begin listing them. I could have been the typical desi NRI visiting home once in two years, traveling once in a while within the US. Ah who am I kidding, I dont think I would ever like this country, or would I.

I could still continue to be the prejudiced, MCP which I once was. I could have continued to be a sexist, racist, and religiously biased person and continue to be proud about my fake ideals. I could have continued to close my eyes to real world, or not even try to open up to reality. This makes me wonder, have I really moved on?.

I could have been the couch potato which I was almost destined to become, if I had not found the wonderful world of books, courtesy S.  I needed a balance, I still do, and there are many people who brought some of it in my life.

All this makes me realize how much I have fought with myself to be who I want to be, some were easy and for most part were difficult. But most of them are work in progress.

“You can hate a person..but never the father in him!”……my thoughts on speaking to a brand new, and first time father

Its been 12 days and still I haven’t got a good word out of me, not that I am running low on thoughts, just haven’t been writing. I keep telling people who ask me about my absence from the blog world that I am busy, which I actually am, lots and lots of work, but when I can make some time to read not one but two books in a fortnight, watch two movies over the weekend, hit the state fair, why is it that I am not writing. The question still puzzles me a bit, why I am not writing.

I guess one way to deal with it, is to just forget about it and spit whats on your mind.

Well this is not something which is on my mind right now. This is more of something which will be on my mind for quite sometime from now. It all began with one wise lady making a statement. Here I quote her “There is a thin line between wanting to know everything and caring“.

I have been thinking about it for a while now, how many times have I crossed that line, how many times have I asked too much, how many times have I intruded someone in the name of caring, how many times have I told myself that wasn’t intrusion but just that I am a little more passionate.

It’s tough to answer these questions isn’t it, because if we were to know it was intrusion may be we wouldn’t have gone ahead with it, if we knew this question takes us past the line we wouldn’t ask it.

Here comes the tricky part, when you see your line is being crossed, and your loved one is crossing the line, and he/she doesnt even know about it, would you let the person cross the line?, or just be a little stern and let them know about it.

I know the obvious answer, does seem to be, to let them know about it. It’s always good to be honest in a relationship, but then we have to take one thing into consideration here, you might be hurting the other person. Nah I dont believe that the people should be strong enough to take the truth, the truth is that no man/woman really want to know the truth, not when it is bitter, not in all its bitterness. I guess most of us like our truth to be given to us with a little sugar coating, in right dosages and in sort of a way which would boot start us in the right direction. If it weren’t for the sugar-coated pills, so many of us would have preferred to die a horrible death, then take the bitter medicine.

Coming back to the topic of intrusion, I am one of those who hates being questioned. I have always hated when my mom’s questions, and never answered her with a straight face, but then when it comes to asking them, am worse than my mom. I can be really inquisitive. The statement the lady made really made me wonder how many times I have come across as being intrusive.

One just doesn’t see under their own nose, do they?.

Whats worse? Realizing you are being considered unfit to share thoughts with?, or the fear of a possibility, that you may never be considered fit.

Reality, Illusions, Fear and Future.

Have you ever wondered why you felt so bad when an idol of yours is no more?, or when a favorite singer of yours bows out of the race due to competition, or a favorite actor of yours ages horribly and still hangs around annoying the hell out all movie goers?. Have you ever felt, why on earth didn’t I move and replace the idol the with the current crop of people, have you ever wondered why you never got impressed as much as you had before?. Its not that the new people on the block or less talented, just the could never mean as much to you as what the earlier person meant. Have you ever wondered?.

Recently when I heard Sonu Nigam do his bit with Kylie Minogue, it pained me a lot to see what he has become. He is and will remain my favorite singer for long long time, but then look how limited number of songs he has been getting lately, and the quality of them, least said the better. There was a time when his songs in movie like “Tere Liye”, which never saw the light of the big screen made me listen to them with all my attention, there is something in his voice which just appeals to me. Today its just really painful to see the horrible songs he gets to sing.

Salman khan, the bad kid of bollywood, the least liked actor amongst the intellectual movie watchers, one who doesn’t know how to dance well, nor even have courage nor ability to do different kind of roles, but he is someone who I loved watching on screen.  I just liked watching his movies, period. There was no logic behind that. But lately watched in couple of trailers, which made me think, this is it,  the end is in sight for this fellow.

Whats interests me the most is that, after them I don’t see anyone influence me the way they did, I will never be waiting for an album from another singer like the way I waited for the album “Mausum”, or the way I wanted for the movie “Khamoshi” to release. I just dont see myself that way.

I guess it has to be the age, the age when we are open to be influenced, once we move out of it, we just dont care about these things like the way we did. We no longer form this larger than life images in our head, you listen to you a song its just music, you watch a movie its just an actor. The idea of idolism is long gone with that age.

I now understand how my dad never grew out of Rafi, or why my granny never grew over rajkumar, or for that matter a teenager never gets of Patrick Swayze.

On a spot, that hurts the least,

The one that lasts just a night,

A place he could easily hide,

Yet so special, no one had seen before.

A place, no woman had ever gotten to

He tattooed her into his dream,

for a night,

One which never ended.

The night,

The dream.

The Tattoo.

—————————————————————————————

Its been a long time since I did Sunday Scribblings, this time around they had a topic, which got me out of retirement. Here’s my take on this weeks topic “Tattoos“

There are times when memories strike you for no reason. Today has been one such day to me.

My grandfather expired when I was in eleventh grade, I clearly remember when I got a message during lunch at my college. Those days I didn’t have a mobile phone, I guess none of us had one. His death was something I accepted very easily, I was sad for that moment, but then never really missed him.

So today, all of a sudden his memories came back. He used to call me “appi”, no one other than him called me that, infact only other person who still calls me that is my grand mother, and that too very rarely.  As he called me Appi, as a kid I used to call him “appi tata”, in other words appi’s tata[grandfather]. It slowly became “appu tata”, and the name stuck till the day he was no more.

I clearly remember when he moved back to Bangalore, I must have been in 2nd or 3rd grade. He was getting his house in Bangalore renovated and stayed with us for a week or so. We used to go go to the empty house everyday to check the progress. The house used to empty, so it echoed. We both used to go into the room and make strange noises, and I used to love the echoes in the room. This has to be one of the most cherished memory from my childhood.

As I began to grow up, he always thought I was one with expansive tastes, he used to always tell me that all my activities were “dodd kudure cheste’, basically not something normal people tried. Some how the equations were never the same, deep down I didnt like the fact that he made those comments, and pretty seriously too.

One thing I admired a lot about him, was his will and the other  principles, he was one of those old time strict people, who didnt like menace, or hardly made any joke or fun, but there were those rare occasions, when he wouldnt stop laughing. I still remember how my granny used to snap and ask him to go to sleep because he generally used to get into that mood late in the night.

Today as I jogged my heart out on the treadmill, the picture of this bespectacled man, who wore a vest with a cross pocket on front of chest, and a pant which was almost half way up his chest, kept popping up in my head.

Its been long since this has happened, I dont know what is the reason behind this out of the blue memories.  Even though I was not sad, nor the memories were sad ones, it would be really nice if I could have dinner with him once again, his favorite bisi bele bath and some chatter would be really good.