Monthly Archives: March 2006

Fear of known

Standard

I have never been an extrovert; I always take a long time to get comfortable with people. hmm I always wondered if it’s good or bad.
Lot of things has changed about me since I came to USA. One of them definitely is my way of thinking about me. I always used to think others are better then me, and felt a little cautious when speaking to people thinking I may give out the real me. That’s would sound strange even to my closest friends. There are not many who can say they know me.
But I loved the freedom I got here, the way I can do what ever I want. I need not think what a person would think if I do a particular thing. The constant fear of being watched did no longer exist. Just the realization of that made me so happy.
I could go to a bar and listen to kind of music I want without worrying about what people around me think if they see me there. I might still want to drink coke in there but no body cares about what I do. I found many Americans who are interested in things which I am. Strangely many people who grew up in my own country and culture cannot relate to my thoughts. I had given up thinking I am a weirdo and no one thinks like me. I was wrong. God I love the fact I was wrong.
There came in a time which made me think I fear the known not the unknown. Unknown made me fearless. I could bring out my thoughts freely. I could talk without inhibitions. I never thought what they will think of “Rambler”
I did not realize I could speak to any body that I feel like talking to. Always had a problem with approaching people whom I wanted to speak to. I felt great when people used to listen to me and I had something to discuss rather then work or movies.
Now as I am planning my trip back, The fears have re surfaced, What if this is just freedom that’s making me talk, What after getting back I get back to old self. What if I don’t find people who like to discuss things I want to talk about? Who will I meet weekend after another. Who will say they like to hangout with a guy who talks about not so hip topics like mythology, culture, Reasons behind myths and stuff like that.
To look at the positives I will get to see my family and friends.
But the weekend void frightens me