I had an interesting conversation with a nice friend of mine. Well she wanted to say sorry to me because she said “You are a total mess” yesterday, and she was feeling sorry because she really meant when she said that. I know I tend to give more importance to things, more than they actually deserve, but still. This conversation put two thoughts into my mind immediately.
Firstly I loved her honesty, honesty in telling me what she felt about me. Anybody who sees me as a mess had not come up to me and told me that. If it was “some” person I wouldn’t have cared, but she is not one I would call “Some”.
Secondly I didn’t like she apologized, does she really need to say sorry when she tells me what she honestly feels?. I don’t think so, that too after knowing me, she does know I am not the kind who would not accept criticism or advice.
This really made me to think on two totally different things. This thing called ego is so strange right. Sometimes small things hurt my ego. A person commenting on my accent, dressing or even books I read. It really annoys me when people who don’t have any idea about me or the thing they are talking about criticize me. These people are the ones I don’t care about, but still their comments hurt my ego. I have made sure at least I don’t bring bias into ego, a particular class, gender or age group do not hurt my ego more. Its just people whom I don’t care that hurt my ego more.
Now, people I care about, their opinion never hurts me nor my ego. It does make me think. I really can tell when people I care are talking with sense and seriousness. Really it does not make me angry, it just puts me in a thinking mode, and provides me areas to work on. I am sounding too idealistic. I am not. There have been numerous instances where I haven’t agreed with what they think about me. The fact that I don’t let people know about the conflicts, does not mean they do not exist. When you know people’s intentions, and somewhere deep down you know they are talking truth, there is no point in getting angry right?
Coming back to me being a mess. Well its true. I am a total mess with my personal life, it always gets lost behind my professional life. I am not really sure I ended up like this, but somehow I cant take my mind off work when I am off it. It takes something really big to keep my mind of it, for long time.
I do agree that its really not worth it, nor it is required always, but still I tend to worry a lot about things concerning work. I tend to over worry about the schedule and quality of work items I work on. I always used to think Its happening because I am doing it to impress my peers/superiors/ or even big bosses, when people started to get impressed, I kind of made up my mind that this is the right way to impress them. I am not that immature, that I cant realize, that I need not do this to impress anymore, I am confidant enough that my work will speak for itself. Then what is it that makes me worry?.Wish I had answer to this question.
I have always criticized my mother, when she tends to worry too much on things she should not be thinking about. She does it in personal life, and I do it both in personal and professional life I guess.
The conversation surprised me a little, has it become that obvious, so visible that people think I need to change. I just started to wonder. Currently I am not in any kind of relationship, nor have been previously. If I am letting my work affect my friendship, I am just wondering what would really happen when I get into a real relationship and commitments.
I do want to improve, and I have started a little. My idea to blog was one of my efforts, to divert my mind to another passion, to make sure I enjoy something, to get away from my normal thoughts for a while, to look deep into myself, to tell things which I feel strongly, to people who will not judge the thought by the person I am, and me from the thoughts I have. I kind of give myself almost 2 full hours per day to do things I like to.
When it comes to social life, I have never been a social person, I always like small groups of close people, with more personal relations. Also I have never been a person with lot of hobbies and outdoor activities. I kind of don’t like to change this either. But yes I did understand what my friend wanted to tell me and I hope that I will improve.