Marriages, what say I..


There are things which you do not think about, or rather do not find the need to think about, but over the age, you grow up and you get to a point where suddenly these thoughts find a place in your head, things which you had left as not applicable, suddenly become a little concerning, and finally the thought catches onto you.

A blogger friend had a post about arranged marriages recently, and suddenly it struck me that soon within a year or two, the topic is going to come up at home regarding “Marriage”, and for a person who has had no thoughts about it, I need to have some preparation as to what, when, how and If I want it. More importantly its necessary to atleast spare a thought ot two on that, so you are not cought offguard when the topic comes up.

Today I had been to pay our telephone bill, its generally not my job to do it, or rather I have assumed its my dad who does paying bill stuff, its only money I need to give him if he wants, but standing there in the queue was wondering, my dad as I have been told was extremely careless as a youngster, he never worried about anything, and was a lot more lazy as a teenager. I never got to see him that way, all I saw was this person who is to be asked for any matter related to house, and any errand regarding home is his job.

If you are wondering how that relates to marriage, here is what I think, its not commitment inside a relationship which people are afraid off, I guess when it comes to marriage, its the huge set of responsibilities which comes with them, which makes people think twice, so do I think I am ready to pay bills, take care of the house?. To be frank it
looks scary from here. May be its not that difficult, but for an outsider, its sounds like a lot of work.

Coming back to marriage as such, my friend had written. She thinks most of the arranged marriages nowadays end up being a disaster, and mostly end up in splits. I somehow don’t believe this is true, may be its too much of a generalization, but I guess, the opinion is more of the sorts I write on my other blog pure pursuits, its more of “my” view of what things are.

Typically in most Indian families, the marriage does mean, women moving into the guys family, and in most cases same house as his parents, so its just not a single relationship we are talking about, no not just 2 people, there are so many relationships a couple have to develop, and grow. I guess that’s where the compatibility and consensus comes into picture. I am not saying you have to chose someone even though she/he is not compatible with you, but best fit for the family, I am just saying those factors also matter a lot.

Its very important, whether you chose or your parents chose your partner, to make sure you have ideas well exchanged before the commitment. What is that you want, and what is other persons’ needs, and also the perceptions. I am not saying Love marriages are worse, I am just saying for a relationship to work there are so many other factors, and the love needs to help those factors and grow over time, otherwise it would end up in splits.

One question really hangs over me though, does it arranged marriages mean an arranged love?, or just an arrangement?, arrangement between two people for the lifetime, where they develop emotions as the time passes, love/hate/anger/happiness everything which is natural when two people live close to each other?. I guess its a lot like love marriages where only difference is the initial trigger, where may be one gets to live first few years of an arranged marriage before the marriage.

It might be just the placement of the event “Marriage” within the lifespan of the relationship which makes them either arranged/or the cliched ‘love marriage’, one has it placed at the beginning and the other somewhere in the middle.

Both are equally tough, equally challenging, equally failure prone, and equally enjoyable.

As of now, I guess I will stick to my belief “they are enjoyable ๐Ÿ™‚ “.

What say guys??


11 responses »

  1. well,, you know me,, and i cannot imagine living with one other person let alone a house full,,, and if i was to marry and the guy thought i was gonna move in with his family,, i don’t care how compatible i was with him,, the answer would be a no…

    so i cannot even begin to think in those term.. i think a marriage is a union of two people of like mind and body,, meaning they want the same things,, and i don’t think that is the same person over the course of your whole life..
    while you may love only one person at a time i believe as you grow and change your needs in a partner grow and change too.. i think you will find if you stay with one person long enough,, you become strangers to each other…

    I am not sure about the people you have been with, but I would still believe you can if you want, I guess it depends on what we want from a relationship, and what the other person wants as well. I am sure its not going to be a smooth ride, but then thats life right?, its gonna have up and downs. I hope its one person in my case.
    I agree that needs change, and so does growth with partner as well. but I am sure if we put in efforts people wont become strangers, as I said in my earlier posts, its us who turn them into strangers.
    sorry on this, I absolutely disagree with you

  2. I agree with you,we cannot generalize.In the end,reason for a marriage to make or break is in the hands of the two individuals tied by that bond.Yes,many people are afraid of marriage with all the responsibilities it triggers into their carefree lives,me being one of them!But then nothing is greater than being able to live with the one you love(or the one you come to love,as in arranged marriages)!

    Welcome to virtual ramblings..
    I guess making or breaking of a marriage is in the heads of the individuals :)..
    looks like we are on the same boat when it comes to responsibilities.
    I guess we learn what we want as we grow old in a relationship.

  3. Personally, I think marriage is an outmoded institution… but then you should know a little of me by now to appreciate the lack of convention ๐Ÿ™‚ So, let’s talk relationships… they require commitment, they require maturity, responsibility, compatibility, respect – oh above all, respect – and yes, love helps – true, unconditional love will hold a relationship together through thick and thin. So there isn’t just one thing – a relationship – or a marriage – is the sum of its parts.

    Now thats a little shocking, outmoded institution?.. I guess you may not call it marriage, but then I guess any close relationship I would demand as much as commitment as in a marriage, I hare casual relationships.
    I like your description of what a relationship needs, and I could not agree more with what you have said.

  4. I think marriage as an institution needs to evolve as the rest of the world has. People are just as distracted from their marriages as they are by new computers, phones or cars. Arranged marriage sounds like a really scary thing from my perspective.

    I guess marriages should evolve, not the institution, a stagnant marriage might be a disaster.
    Chantel you could try one, its not that scary you know ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Interesting thoughts. One person enters a marriage when he is ready to accept the responsibilities and the adjustments that come with it. Yes both marriages are prone to failure, but the chances for an arranged marriages to bust are more , cos u gotto nod for the person in max 2 or 3 meetings when both pose their nice picture and the bad one or the negative side comes when the marriage is done and then its too late to take a step.

    either u get screwed up for life by sticking to the person else have the guts to quit by withstanding the rubbish thrown by the so called cultured society and equally messy people.

    Thats one part. Another part is, if you happen to make adjustments without the other person doing it or he(she) sticks to the egos, then its tough to make the marriage work.

    this can happen in both, but in love marriage u hv known person longer than the one in arranged and the coping up or dealing with the eccentricities of the person is known. Isnt it ?

    How can u decide a person is good enuf to live with for entire life just in 2 or 3 meets, few dates and few chats or emails. Thats the recipe for a disaster. you loose urself in this. Big time.

    I wont ever go for this kinda looser stuff

    I may not agree with arranged marriages busting out more, only on one ground, that I have seen both ones succeed a lot and only few failing of both types.
    What you are saying in love marriages you know a lot more than the arranged ones, I dont think so, I know how good a mask I can put on, I think I could have easily decieved a person if I wanted to?, and loving spending a lot of time does not mean you really get to know the person. I might say livin-relationship might be different, when you get to spend lots of time under one roof, the equation is different, but love marriages I dont think you can count safe enough to know the person.
    looser stuff is too harsh a word for these things I suppose, but I know your lingo its common ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Well I can not agree more with you. i have seen both parts of it. Few marriages where people had sufficient time to know each other and few where you were married within a week. and now after 2-3 years of marriage all relationships have turned out to be same. Some individualistic differences. Few basic things remain same. In indian scenario marriage is nt only abt two people tying knot but it is relationship between two families as well. bottom line is what more important is how happy you are with the person; how ready you are to share the good and the bad. at the end of the day whether it is arranged by folks or it is arranged by you is does nt matter not in long run atleast.

    for a change we agree :)..
    “how ready you are to share the good and the bad” sharing is really important
    and yes both the ways its the relationship, does not matter how you get into it.

  7. @Rambler : I seem to be agreeing with you a lot on this subject …:P A good change !! ๐Ÿ˜€
    All the equations change when you start spending time with your partner under one roof and thats when you can see people saying ” marriages on the rocks” ๐Ÿ™‚ and the mask thingy ..again totally agreed !! ๐Ÿ˜€

    actually a little surprised that you agreed with the mask thing.. not sure why..
    A thin line between making a marriage rock or turning it into marriage on the rocks…
    “On the rocks”.. now this reminds me of something naughty early monday morning ๐Ÿ˜€

  8. For a change I have decided to agree with you …enjoy ur day Rambler ๐Ÿ˜€

    ha ha I like the choice of word “decided”
    thanks sunshine, ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. Rambler: Theorising is one thing and we can all discuss marriage and its validity till the cows come home. The real test is in making it work, bit by bit, day by day and accepting that the person you marry is the person you will see the least but for and with whom you will make the most compromises.

    Be forgiving and accepting of the person who comes to your house and your family because she is the one in a alien environment, not you. All expectations of changing are from her, not from you. It is an unfavourable balance against the female, and she gets the blame – unfairly – when it all falls apart.

    Invoke the fairness inside you and ask how much _you_ would like to live with someone else’s parents while also trying to build a relationship (in an arranged match) with a relative stranger. She has made her commitment already by leaving her parents’ house to live with yours. But do you have the gumption to stand up and support her when you see that things are unfair?

    Tough questions? Think about them. The seed of an idea is sometimes enough to make a person think and act differently.. ๐Ÿ™‚

    “The seed of an idea is sometimes enough to make a person think and act differently”
    he he, now this is an interesting comment ๐Ÿ™‚
    stand up agianst whom shefaly?, I guess I would like to believe I would be as fair as possible..
    exactly the real test is to make it work, and it does not matter how you get into it, right, that was what I was trying to say

  10. “stand up against whom, shefaly?”

    Whether you like it or not, for many women in joint families, it becomes us and them, them being the in-laws. The husband has the unenviable job to untangle the knots, usually between two women. It is all very Freudian and amusing if one is not involved in the midst of the Chakravyuha!

    us Vs Them, don’t you think its a little too strong?..
    but may be what you are saying is correct.
    Lets try to change then, now since we know where’s the problem, may be we can be more sensitive to these trying to avoid as much as possible.

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