How much ever I can write about marriage, and being not ready for it, trying to push it away saying it’s not time yet, somewhere at the back of my mind, I do know its gonna happen one day or the other, if not not now, may be an year later, or couple of years later. Being analytical as usual, thoughts have passed my mind couple of times. I, myself was curious to find out what I think about marriage, and how do I want it to be.
As I began to think about this, first thing that crossed my mind was a casual conversation with a friend some time back, when she mentioned to me about difficulty in finding someone for yourself once you are out of college. At that moment, I did not think much about this, but then today when I think about this, it sounds so much true. It is really important to spend lots of time to develop a liking towards someone, and I am sure even instant crushes would need months together to realize the real feelings when it comes to couples. College provides you enough time, and enough people around, thinking practically it does have higher probability that you may end up liking someone.
I do not think office romances can work, specially the kind of time we spend working, amidst all the competition and loads or work, people hardly find time think about something serious, even if we happen to like someone, there is hardly any time to spend with each other.
Somewhere my thoughts on this contradict my own thoughts, I also feel its so much Dependant on the person, some might find hard to find time and interest during college, and some might find enough time even in tight schedules at work, to fall in love and get married someone at work.
Taking both into consideration and trying to think practically, I guess at 26, with not so much of social prowess, nor tendency to try to find someone amidst the work life, many guys like me might end up choosing the arranged marriage. I have really no ill feelings about that, nor any affinity towards love marriages. I have never really compared the two. May be both have their pros and cons, and really am not sure which way I would go. In all practical possibilities I may end up with an arranged one.
When someone talks to me about marriage, the main problem in my mind is how badly I am prepared for it.Simple things first. For a person who has grown up alone as a kid, we are hardly used to sharing anything, I just can’t imagine how its gonna be finding someone else’s stuff in my closet, more importantly I am not yet sure, how I am gonna make some space for one more person’s belongings in my closet space. For a person who has never shared even food with some one, sharing a room, and every waking moment of one’s life with a fellow human being looks very scary. How does one learn the habit of sharing in such a short time?.
Moving on to other worries, compatibility is something which is very important to any relationship, and we all know it cannot develop overnight, but then we also know and have seen with our relationships with other friends, how incompatible people can be, the ideas differ in such huge amounts, and then there are such fundamental differences that one can’t coexist. So how do you judge compatibility with people. I do not think, taste in movies nor in food, or language we speak, or the caste we belong to, or the common people we know, all these are going to give me any clue regarding this. To be honest, I really don’t know what to look for if and when I have to find out if I am compatible with someone. I feel its gonna be like shooting in the dark hoping that the assumptions and judgments we have made hits the bulls eye.
I think guys and gals should be thought responsibilities from young age, specially for people who have never stayed away from home like me, we hardly know how it is to take care of a house, we are used to mothers putting food on table early in the morning, and some to take along to work, by the time we come home dinner is ready. So how the hell am I gonna survive, when I need to equally contribute when it comes to running the family, the vegetables are no longer going to find their way into the refrigerator, food will no longer be something which is just meant to be eaten, it also needs to be cooked once a while by each of us, atleast one cannot just ignore the kitchen and expect things to be ready made. Laundry is not something which will happen on its own, and of course its not just “YOU” whom you will/should be concerned about.
Thinking of finances too, its not going to be simple. I have really no clue, how much my parents spend in a month towards running our house, how should one learn to budget, how do couple plan their finances. Its no longer going to be me spending my money and
her spending hers, it has to be “we” spending “our” money. In a way it sounds exciting, the prospects of “We”. But with “We” also comes loss of total control, I/her will/should no longer make a decision which is right for ourself, it has to be right or “us”. I have really no clue about this one, its definitely not easy to decide for the self, now knowing that there is one more person whose life you need to consider makes it even harder.
I am so naive about the social responsibilities and responsibilities towards another person. I have never cared for someone, nor have any clue as how it needs to be done. Lets take a simple example. We were all having lunch around a table in a ceremony recently, when my cousin’s wife suddenly started sneezing hard and coughing, he ran and fetch water, he stood next to her, making sure she is feeling alright. I could see concern in his face for long time, making sure she was ok every 10 minutes, checking if she needed something else. I just imagined myself in the situation, all I could imagine was at the most I would have brought a glass of water, I could not see myself developing concern for someone so easily. May be it is something one develops after one gets into a relationship.
Again the idea of a marriage does not come with its own set of fears. One of my biggest fear is, what if we end up as one of those couples who live together, and do not share anything more than a room in a house?. What if marriage ends up as a commodity where you are forced with a no return policy?, what if you end up staying together physically with a huge mental distance to travel?
Wish there were schools where one could get educated on these matters, books more like encyclopedia where one could search answers. Or may be like the cliched Love gurus from movies like hitch, whom one could approach with these questions and dilemmas.