I had been wanting to do this for quite some time now. I don’t read much fiction, nor much of a fiction admirer, but I wanted to try fiction. As I don’t have much clue, have been really skeptical about posting this. So here it is, my little attempt at fiction. I decided to call the story “May be”
She stood there, looking outside the window, as though she was trying to spot someone, she continued to speak to her friend, the only one whom she could trust, but still she seemed to avoid looking in the eye, she really didn’t want to give it away. She knew, one look at smiling friend of hers, and the truth would come out. Had she always been like this?, she thought.
Friend was happy with love of her life, he used to drop in almost daily, their laughters and smiles was not alien to her anymore, Even though they tried to rope her into the fun, she always stayed out, made excuses, as always,she had her favorite pass time “the windows”. She found a little solace in watching crowd, or was it a means for her to drive away the sadness she felt looking at them.?
What she could not share with her friend anymore, used to get journaled in her dairy, it was more like a black book of her emotions, and a vent for her frustrations. Every page of it began with the same line, “If only, I had stopped myself during those unfortunate days”. Anybody who read a few pages could easily make out the level of impact those days had on he life and ever since.
She was really rendered clueless, she felt as if she had lost the ability to make choices, rather she had lost the faith in the ones she had made and ones she might end up making. She had chosen silence. She was not sure about it, but she did not want risk it any more, she already had the guilt of having betrayed someone, who had been so dear to her, more importantly for a reason she felt, was really not the other person’s fault.
She blamed herself, she blamed her own body and her soul. Those well hidden marks of thin blade cuts on her thighs and inner side of her hands spoke as to how much she had begun to hate her body. It seemed as though she wanted to punish her body, keep souvenirs reminding herself for years to come of the incident which changed her life.
It was a Sunday afternoon, she hated weekends, she had to spend the day with not much work, that meant more time to be “alone”, and time to introspect. She wanted herself to be busy, work did make her forget the pain. She heard her phone ring, it was her friend’s mom from the hospital. Her friend was admitted, she had no clue why, leaving things haywire she rushed.
Her friend was on the bed, she looked really pale, it had been quite some days since she was seen sans makeup, may be the paleness was well hidden all along, her friend finally opened up, it was not a small illness, she had had. Friend had been diagnosed to be HIV +ve. The cheerfulness of her friend never gave it away. She thought to herself, “HIV need not mean fatal”, and was sure her friend had lots of time. The only reply Doctor gave was, “may be, she has more time”.
She was so worried about her friend, that she did not, for even a second, think, she could be +VE too. Scenes from the past played in her eyes, the way she had given into her friend’s love. Every time she did that, she thought it was the biggest mistake, but his charms had lured her away. She had fallen for her own desires, and also in her own eyes.
As she came out of the hospital, she saw the guy walking in, he was as calm as usual, with fruits in his hands, and a smile on his face.
May be, if her friend had hinted about illness, she would have been more careful.
May be, if she had confided in her friend, her friend would have been more careful,
May be, there was nothing they could do,
May be, there was something they could do,
May be, he was also to blame,
May be, there was nothing to blame,
May be, it was her fault,
May be , it was her friend’s fault.
“May be’s” were all that she was left with.