Every day, different people we meet can give you so much information, more importantly so much thoughts to wonder about. Same with two people I meet almost everyday, they are my coworkers, and both married, and both with  one kid too. As we share the same mode of transport to get to work, I get to see them very closely and observe.

Let me start with one of them, he is late into 30’s, must have got married at a late age, and he does care a lot about his wife. I have seen him get a call everyday as soon as he reaches half way to office, thats when his wife would have reached her workplace, its her “got there safely” call, every single day he tells her that, we are on our way, and promises her he will call back once he reaches office. Its the same story in the evening as well, he will call her to let her know that he has left the office, and would be at home at such and such a time. He also admits that he calls once in the afternoon after his lunch to update he has finished his lunch, and also ensure if she has done with hers. The interesting thing, is to hear his tone when he speaks to her, I don’t think I have seen a person more polite  and respectful then him when on phone with his wife.

The second of them must be in early thirties, who must have got married in his late 20’s. He is generally a little mean and rude when he speaks normally, and he almost never gets call from his wife, but when he does get it, we can easily make it is from his house because, he becomes extra rude and extra mean. We all have, jokingly how he can speak to them in such a tone, but he continues to speak that way. He speaks to the point, and makes sure they would think thrice before calling him up again. In a way totally opposite to the first person.

First person sounds all so romantic, but the truth is when he speaks normally otherwise he is not that polite, nor so respectful either, and somehow I have a doubt he fakes the politeness a little too much, so when we tease him about this, he always says I don’t know about all this as I am not marries, and he claims that it requires to be like this, in a relationship, to keep the other one happy.

Speaking of the second person, he says openly that the only way to dominate a relation is to claim the dominance before the other person has chance to think about it. He says the right way to speak to one’s wife is to make sure, they do not get the idea of possible weakness, and try to be as unapproachable as possible. He is not all that mean to others, and not that rude to others on phone, still he kind of fakes dominance over phone.

When I get to see extreme actions such as this, what makes me wonder is that, is this faking really required?, how stupid the respective wives must be to not recognize that their partners are faking?, I am sure they would have known, but they must be behaving as they haven’t found out. In a way faking, that they do not know their husbands are faking.

How difficult is it to remain honest in marriages?, do one need to resort to these tactics?, I know the obvious answer is no, but then still why does it happen in so many cases, why do one go out of their way to please others? or in some cases please themselves.

Simple things like these can say a lot about one’s marriage, I get a feeling that most people tend to live a pseudo relationship, where each one knows the truth, but never want to show the fact that they know. When did we become this, when?


13 responses »

  1. haha.. you have talked about my pet peeve… marriage to many has become this farce they live.. trying to please each other and losing their identity in the process.. I have seen examples of so many such marriages that even I (a married woman per say) sometimes begin to wonder.. The best marriages are when the husband and wife are good friends foremost.. and that is all you need to be..

    I do not think pleasing each other is wrong, and I do understand that faking a little is ok, but should it continue forever is what I was wondering. All these theories, lets see how it helps me out in the future.

  2. There is a saying in kannada, “Ati vinayam, dhoortha lakshanam”, that means “too much politeness is a symbolizes a fake person”. Be it in marriage or otherwise, I feel things work when people are as is. Trying to impress initially and then coming to “I am like this only” mode takes us nowhere. Regarding your final statements, I belive women know the actual behaviour of their partners, but just let go to continue their realtion in peace.

    Akshatha, Ah thanks for the saying… I too think women know this, and kind of are ok with it :)…

  3. Scares me a bit hearing about dominating people in a relationship. I am lucky to be in an equal relationship. No politeness or anything what you see is what you get.. Sometimes my husband, sometimes I am a bit bosyy but we usaually can sort it out. That is concerning my children I usually get my way for example.

    Marja, Domination is dangerous, because it adds power into relationship. Glad you have a equal relationship.

  4. I don’t know, but what I do know is that I only show my true colors around someone I care about. It doesn’t matter, if there are other people around, though. If there isn’t someone around that I particularly care about, I am an asshole.

    I’m still an asshole to the other people when people I care about are around, but not so much and I’m nice to the people I care about.

    If any of my post makes sense to you, more power to you.

    I don’t try to be a dick when I’m around people I don’t like; it just happens.

    People shouldn’t get married, if they aren’t truly in love.

    People in love, get married, and still continue to please each other, even though it means to fake a few things.

  5. Rambler: Have you considered an academic career? I notice you notice things (empirical data) and then try and identify a pattern (define algorithm or propose hypothesis) around them. And of course, from what we know, you are not married so this discussion is purely academic, no? 😉

    Can you please elaborate, what constitutes an academic career :)… we all do that don’t we.. hypothesize…
    Well this discussion is kind of worry, that I may too chose the same path.. of faking..which I prefer not to do with people close to me.

  6. Most people, live lives, trying to be someone they aren’t, just to portray a different face of theirs.
    I guess this happens even in regular people ,amongst friends too. But there is no need if the the partners are honest with each other to play pretend.

    I am one big culprit when it comes to faking, I am good in puting on the mask..
    I just worry that I might turn out the same way… and pretend in a relationship.

  7. actually it doesn’t happen only in marriage. it starts way back during the dating period. well, at least ive seen it happen with friends. how they could change when they’re on the phone with their partner.

    Jos, oh really?..

  8. We must be one of the few….we don’t play those “games” and speak-act honestly to each other (ok, my wife is a bit more “honest” in her comments!!) That is a big WHY I fell for her in the first place. She is European and that could be a reason. I am me. We have nothing to hide and share our thoughts regularly. I have no interest in “dominating” anything and neither does she. We have known each other for 20yrs and been married for 14 yrs. I am lucky to have found such a person and she had said the same…..

    If we are not themselves, then WHO did we marry? Be yourself and you will find one who likes YOU….

    Jon… Glad to know you have a lovely coordination with your wife. good questions you have in there.

  9. all i can say to this is uve got a ridiculous pair of friends …hmpf!!
    i mean cmonnn…what do they think they are gonna derive from this?? and how far can we fake someone–esp someone we are going to spend the rest of our lives with…
    for the first friend who is extra polite (only in his relationship)—“its better to be hated for what u are than loved for what u rnt”
    and for the other dude—he really needs a reality check because he ought to be knowing that understanding and not domination is supposed to be the basis of a successful relationship and if he dosent change his ways, maybe authority is all he’ll get, not love…hmmmm…but on second thoughts maybe thats what he wants…sigh!
    dont stay too long with these bunch of fake weirdos…heehee

    I do not know if they are ridiculous, i feel they are ignorant, or may be I do not know whats really correct..
    I agree its better to be loved for what you are.. but how practical is that?, won’t all of us get tempted to be liked?
    hehhe you know its been almost two years now, not sure how much they have changed me 😀

  10. ah the ways people live to please the society, if anything dominates it’s the set ways of the society…, change is a must, but change is so difficult in an established society.

    UL, I think I could not agree more with you on this one.

  11. I kinda agree with ‘pri’ – adjustments are all there for a couple to make, but one need not ‘fake’ love and respect!!

    Actually I do not they they faked the love or respect, but they faked the amount of it..

  12. Rambler,
    You have a very interesting knack of observing people that surprises me..I personally think that accepting each others natural ways of doing things will take a relation very long. It might be difficult coz you expect your partner to be the best and out of this world which rarely happens 🙂 However I do agree that once in a while if you do things that the other person likes (for which you may need to fake sometimes) it will bring so much happiness for him/her which in turn will make you feel like you are the most luckiest person in this world. Dont you think its a win-win siutation? Think about it! 🙂

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