I was going through a post of mine, and found this. I posted this in June 2007 and I called it “sometimes“. One strange thing is that, nothing much has changed over the year, and still I want to do all this, ‘sometimes’.
Sometimes I wish, to forget everything that I like and everything that I hate, start with a new value system, forget my perspective, forget the things I look for, forget the things I try to find, forget the kind of people I want to be with, forget the standards that I have set for myself, forget the responsibility that I expect from myself, forget that I represent someone and somethings, forget the legacy called myself.
Sometimes I think, fun is most important thing in life, why do I have to worry about the future, enjoy the life I currently have, taking it day by day, no past no future. People, money and relationships, bring the fun element in. Do I really have to care, if the others are having fun too?, is it not enough that I am having fun?. But what is that “Fun”, I have almost forgotten what is fun to me. Not to sound cliched, I have begun to find fun in things I hated, sometimes I feel I have settled for this “fun”.
Sometimes I feel, that I am boring myself, nobody else is doing that to me, but its myself. I am turning myself into this mechanical person. I can literally feel people getting bored around me. sometimes my ideas and thoughts bore me too, thats when I feel I have hit the rock bottom. I have got music, books that keep me interested. Lately its been blogging, blogging has really been awesome. But the question still remains, what next?
Sometimes I wonder, what would have happened If I had different priorities, would it be more fun?, would I have enjoyed more?, should studies not have been my priority?. I have seen people who were at as good as me, not worry about studies so much, still doing same or better things than me. I am definitely not jealous of them, just wondering, was I wrong in what I chose?. Did I chose the wrong idols?, Was someone needed to be in my life all along? or is it just an illusion that the other side is greener.
Sometimes I realize, I am not alone in dilemma, I read what people write, about their fun, their happiness, their problems and their feelings, somewhere I can see that everyone has somewhat similar problems. Sometimes I also seriously doubt, is it me who is picking people with similar problems to read?. Its possible that people are troubled by something similar, what If? kind of a situation. Realization is something which is a continuous process, but why is it that it always difficult to realize?
Sometimes I react, with total awe of my own feelings, and sometimes with total disgust, sometimes with anger, sometimes with helplessness. The common thing is that I react, somewhere I read today “I am alive not just breathing”. It struck me, so many of us might be doing contrary right, just breathing. I want to add something to my reactions. I want to react wildly, take a real bad decision, completely unplanned, completely surprising myself, may be sometime soon.
Watch out people!