Yours, Mine and Ours

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Last week there was an article about sharing money in a relationship, you know being able to take money from your partner, or parents. About how people like to be able to be independent and not want any financial support from the close ones. It spoke more gender biased, more from the female perspective, borrowing money from husband/father. I remember writing something on the subject a long time back under “Random realizations” here .

Ever since I read this thing, the topic has been on my mind, with stray thoughts developing around the subject. 

It should be cool to borrow right?

I figured it should feel lovely to be able to have another source of income right, why would I feel shy to ask my woman, money?, as long as I am aware I am not wasting the money, and I am gonna use it for good of myself or my family, whats wrong with asking money from my partner?. I guess I would choose to ask her first before going to my dad. I mean it should be ok to go back to my father If I am in real need of the money, and I would expect him to come to me when he needs some as well. It feels really great to have a feeling that someone is there to get your back when you need something, I guess be it your woman or your father really does not matter much. 

Is ego the factor?

There must be a factor which prevents us from going to our loved ones when in trouble, especially when it comes to finance. What makes us think less of us?, is it ego?. Its not entirely true, by that I mean its not entirely false :). Its really a bit of ego, when we hesitate to go to a partner and borrow money, its like when you go out to dinner, its expected for a man to pay. Coming to that I think this should change, in an equal relationship, why not let the woman pay once in a while?, why not ask her to take care of the bill?. Is there a sense of loss when one asks his/her partner to pay?, may be for the dinner or for something else?. Because if there is, there must be something wrong, because this isn’t a game, or a sport where there is a winner, or a loser. Is ego a big blocker even in case of relation with the parent?.  I guess yes, a fear of looking incapable, or not being able to support oneself in front of your parent can be ego hurting to many people, may be the notion of borrowing money being an indication of incapability itself is the biggest cause for ego issues between partners and parents.

Can time be the change factor?

In a relationship, if you are still not comfortable with sharing your financial troubles, what do you think would make you change your mind, is it something like you would never change?, or may be it takes time to change your mindset?. Can time instrument a change in your stance regarding being able to accept money from your partner?. I think with time the level of comfort would increase with the partner, and one would more open, and with lesser ego/fear to borrow money. Again it depends a lot on the person and the relationship, some couple might take forever to be able to reach this stage, and some might reach this during the courtship before marriage itself. It also depends on the person, how strong his repulsion towards sharing finance is.

What about repaying?.

I really have a hypocrite view on this matter, I had a strong feeling that I need to pay back money if I borrow it from my father, but do not have that strong a feeling when it comes to returning it to my partner. In case of father, firstly he would be retired, so its my responsibility to make sure he does not face any financial problem, and also somewhere the idea of being a team is not so strong when it comes to father/parents. You do have a strong feeling of being on your own. With the partner it is different, I feel more of a team, and I have a feeling I might not be so keen of repaying, may be I would in a different manner, but the idea of borrowing money from the partner as a loan does not appeal to me, I think it should never be that way, if it is, then I guess the idea of sharing does not come in at all.  

That thought makes me move onto the next big question, should couples keep track of money flow between themselves?

I guess people should really keep track of where their money is going, you know keep a check on the outflow, and areas of outflow, but would you keep track that my partner borrowed 1000Rs for that nice shoes in the mall, or she bought my ticket for the movie?. I am really clueless on this topic, may be I would know better when I am actually in that role.

What say you people?

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6 responses »

  1. Hmmm….about partner, not even once I have given a thought on this. My mind shuts when it comes to money. I guess between partners, it is more of ‘together’ money and keeping track, doesn’t sound good to me. His money is my money 😉 and my money is his money, for me this funda holds good!
    I don’t feel comfortable in borrowing money. Don’t know why, but when I have to do, my heart makes me to think hard! And if someone pays my bill anywhere, I always feel burdened until I return them back somehow.
    And about parents, don’t ask….when I go to shop with them and pay for my things, I get good scolding. That time, I feel somewhat awkward as now I am earning and for my everything I have to pay!
    waise, Nice post to ponder about!

  2. hmm interesting.. considering that I am not working right now.. his money is my money of course.. even before it probably was the same.. his money has always been mine since we married.. what about the money I earned? hmm.. that was sacred!! 🙂 As for parents.. I loosely follow the need to return any money my dad spends on me.. if it is a big amount I return it.. smaller amounts I do not keep track off.. and vice versa!

  3. I don’t know about other couples but I know with us, what’s his is mine and what’s mine is mine…LOL…just teasin’
    We share everything, right from the get go. It was difficult at first because he is a spender and I’m a saver and we had quite a few arguments, but now we are in the grove I guess. There is no ‘his’ and ‘hers’ here. Everything goes into one bank account and we both do the budget together and keep track of what we spend together. When we were dating though, I hid my money, like I said…he’s a spender! lol

  4. Neilina…good to see your thoughts..I guess the awkwardness is pretty natural

    Preethi, would love to hear his version of the story 😀

    GG..gotcha 🙂
    hey I liked the concept of single account, but do you think its a little too much?

    Vanilla..blurred I agree..but do you think there is no trust when it comes to parents?, I mean we do trust right, but why do we hesitate?

  5. keeping track of everything seems a little too much work I guess. big amounts should be noted and smaller like movie tickets and dinner outings should not. I have seen my parents asking each other for money and I have never seen them return it to each other.
    and I think its cool.
    As for between my Mum and me, it pretty much a one sided lane.

    BB..I guess I would be interested to know your opinion on this some years later, may be it wont change, but just want to see how life affects your opinion 🙂
    -Rambler

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