Monthly Archives: July 2009

Why cant I step back

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I wish I could handle myself better, try not to intrude into people who matter to me. I know that I have promised people that I would let them have their own space, and  will not mind days when they just want to go off, into their own cocoon. I think I can totally understand a need to do that. But still when someone close to me does that, why is it that I feel like trying to talk it through, figure out the real problem, see if communication can help. When I cannot control and end up taking small steps against my promise, the remorse is even worse. Half measures are always worse, so every time I make those half steps and check myself, and try to abruptly step back, I end up making things worse.
It makes me wonder is it that hard to accept that there will be days when people who matter to you, do not want to discuss what went wrong?, is it so important for one to communicate even at the risk of breaking things?.
You know whats the worst part, aftera day of remorse for doing something what you did, still not being sure if one should have finished the step and not stepped back.

I cannot ignore.

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It pains me to see parents suffer. I might have had numerable fights/arguments with mine, and I might snub my arguments as something which is part of every parent child relationship, but I would like to believe I have never taken advantage of them in a way I shouldn’t, nor I have ever respected them less.  I loathe people who knowingly/unknowingly take advantage of their parents, at an age where they need to be supported by the children, they end up supporting the children and all their unplanned and idiotic moves.

I am yet to be convinced that worldly matters do not matter. Money does matter, because we cannot survive without money. When we reach a stage where our income stops, i.e we retire, our expenditure does not stop, however our income does. When most of the retired people leave out of their savings, it becomes extremely important for them to manage their assets, and the kids even more important to make sure they help their parents by adding to their assets and not taking them away.

I know no one really plans financial disasters, but  I guess somewhere people should draw the line and say, no I can’t take any more from my parents and move on, because if god forbids the adventure fails, then the kids have a way of surviving, but think of the retired parents, who do not have an income, and if the savings are lost, what should they do?.

I wanted to blame the parents, for not thinking enough before helping their kids, for not securing their future. But I guess parenthood does that to people, when your kids ask for something, you would try your level best to provide that to them, however old you get, the idea of being a provider never goes away.

I came to know about a news which I could have totally responded with something like “I told you so”, because I kind of suspected that. Unfortunately, I felt really sad for all the people involved, both the parents and the kid. I knew I could not do anything, I could have never stopped the son from taking the risk, nor his parents from letting him. It just pains to know the consequence, and specially the future of his parents. I know they wouldn’t show their sadness, nor would he accept his mistake.

The sad part is the ignorance that is expected out of me, the next time I meet the son or the parents, because its none of my business, and its their choice. Sadly I cannot ignore, I simply cannot ignore.

Counting blessings

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I have been a little happy today, feeling sort of blessed. I decided to list why I feel blessed so that, the next low I hit, I can go through these and get back to the happy me.

I feel blessed to have a manager, who asks me, if I am overloaded and offers to offload some work.

I feel blessed to have a job with a reasoable security, at a time I see people going through rough times.

I feel blessed for the tongue which makes me enjoy food made by, even me.

I feel blessed for experiencing a feeling of liking someone, and being liked by the same person.

I feel blessed for having someone, who does not mind my silly requests, even close to middle of the night.

I feel blessed for getting introduced to a passion, which was kind of deep rooted, and was just waiting to find a vent

I feel blessed to know few wonderful people online, who have helped me answer some tough questions, have gone out of their way to make me feel comfortable using their own life as an example.

I feel blessed to have few friends who still make the effort and ignore my slacks in our frienships

I feel blessed to have a set of parents who put up with me even after ugly my snaps back at them.

I feel blessed to be able to breather a sense of peace once in a while amidst chaos of life.

I feel blessed to find the bubbles which brought the effervescense which was lacking in my brew.

I feel blessed.

I wish, I had the proof.

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I clearly remember a conversation we had in person some time back, and the whole conversation flashed back to me when I read something that was written by the same person.

I was told not to think too much about friendships, and just enjoy them when it lasts. I so much want to tell that person, he/she is wrong, and friendships are things which you should not really give up on, they are things that should be constantly worked on, things wherein, when you see a slack, it should be worked at harder. A friendship which one values is worth all the effort.

Every time I think I want to make my point to that person, and let him/her know how wrong she is, there another thing which makes me stop. I end up wanting to cite an example of our own friendship, and how much we value it. How the person is wrong to think about it that way, but I guess I end up seeing the irony in the point I am trying to make. So end up keeping silent.

“We” becomes a wrong usage when it comes to valuing a relationship or friendship, hardly in any of these, both the people involved value what they have in equal amounts, even if they do, its very difficult to convince each other.

Anyways, someday I hope I have things to show how much friendships are worth, and not really something which one has to enjoy when it lasts, its not something which comes and goes. Probably friendships are those which lasts, weather there is enjoyment or not, and they dont come or go easily.

Then we come back to the same question, I can give, or that person can give me 100 examples how I am wrong, and I guess until I have something prove, I have no choice but to just blog about it here.

Ounces of happiness.

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I have had more than one occasions in recent past, where I have felt immense happiness from things which may otherwise be not even visible to me or to others.

At times it has been the tone of a voice, or a want of an explanation, a hint of possessiveness, a feeling of rage, or even for that matter ability to fight to stand up for oneself, a little showcase of vulnerabilities, sharing insecurities, or for that matter a little want of togetherness, and discovery of a feeling which is mutual.

I think we all are wired to feel happy, and tend to find happiness in every single corner of our life, may be its because of that we end up feeling unhappy, because we are always in quest for happiness.
So one might ask is happiness overrated? is it that we tend to focus too much on happiness, making us want it so much that we end up being unhappy?.

Sometimes I have a feeling that happiness is a sort of weakness, which we stumble upon easily. Even a slight hint, we pounce on it like as though we spotted gold, and try to dig as much we can out of it. Take it home, clean it, put it in a safe, making sure it lasts as much as it can, and try to shield it from wear and tear of daily life.

I write this post, knowing well, that swords are always on the edge, and tomorrow is always a mystery. I am not sure about the fate of the little ounces of happiness which I have found recently, nor am I aware if they will last a long time.

This time I really don’t want to shield it, I want to leave the pot of gold out in the open, if it sparkles forever then I couldn’t ask for anything more. If it disappears tomorrow when I wake up, I guess I would be satisfied for enjoying it in the most natural way I could have done it.

All I could do right now, is be thankful, and enjoy it.

Void of Shadows

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You found me in a room,
Full of skeletons,
of  dead and gone.
With clocks struck,
backwards in time,
Walls full of calendars,
from years gone by.

A tornado of darkness,
Ready to engulf.
The Present,
Stuck in the jaws, of past.

Blindfolded by the light
You lead me,
Into a room,
Void of shadows.

Random randomness #28/09

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Guys this time around, I have slightly changed my randomness post, instead of the usual format, I have just listed the thoughts, because I felt these are something which I want to get out of me, and not really dwell about them.

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It must be so easy for kids, all they got to do is cry, to be taken home.

The questions are so easy to answer, when there are only right and wrong answers.

Over years you build up an image of yourself in your own eye, you build theories you believe in and most of them are those you “ought to” and not “actually” believe in.

The worst part of murphy’s law is that it always comes true when its the worst time for it to be true.

You thought real life stories do not have an end, unfortunately every single episode does begin, does have its good and bad moments, and it does end. In some cases its a happy ending, and in some others, not so happy one. But the key is just like the stories, it does end.

Some fear the ending, some want it to end, but its really of not use, the moment where it ends is so quick, you will neither get to enjoy it nor dread it. Both the happiness or sadness, are just an aftermath.

Wish Amazon.com sold something like this “no stress chess” for our life, we could just pick a card, and make a move.

No, I am not bitter, nor sour, nor sweet. I wish, that was the truth.