Monthly Archives: August 2009

The beginning of the end.

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Most of us find it difficult to say goodbyes, and wish we could say good byes easily. I guess somethings are more painful then goodbyes, like when you see a goodbye coming, when you think goodbye would be what ‘this’ would end up in, the time you spot the beginning of the ‘end’.

It could be as simple as a weekend, when you wake up after a nap on Sunday afternoon, and you kind of know the end has begun. Its exact feeling when you are towards the end of your vacation, like the penultimate day, or the last one, its just painful to think its going to end.

I guess everything in life is a process, nothing is stable, everything begins low, builds up, reaches peak, then the descent begins. The build up is a whole lot fun, like friday morning, the build up to the weekend sounds so much fun,  like when you prepare for a vacation, make reservations, the ascent is so much fun. But what goes up has to come down, and when you spot the descent, the feeling you get is one of the worst one can ever feel.

One of the quotes which always motivates me  “Every song needs to end, but thats no reason not to enjoy the music”. Just because there is going to be descent you would not want to not enjoy this ascent?, or the future ones which are going to punctuate your life isn’t it?. One wouldn’t stop enjoying the friday’s, just because you know Sunday night is going to end the fun isn’t it?.

All said and done, some idiots like  me, begin friday evenings in fear of sunday evenings.

I am sure you guys would have known this is not about weekends, and there is a lot more to it then a mere weekend. Well I can’t help but see the beginning of an end, I don’t know if it is just a fear, or a notion, or signs of real things to come. I just can’t stop fearing the end, and linking every single event to a possible ‘begin’. If you know what I mean.

Some how the descent is much painful then the fall.

I just wish every time I get a feeling of descent, I had something like the jet pack from “Dangerous Dave“.

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Inner Demons

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Over time we tend to develop image of ourselves, things we want to be, things we are, and somewhere the illusions seems to merge the boundaries between them, and we tend to imagine we are a lot of things, which we are not actually.

Life too kind of encourages us by giving us lesser and lesser situations where we can really put into effect our dreamy self, and lets us continue to be in the illusion, letting us feel happy of what we think we are.

Unfortunately at times when it questions us with serious challenges, thats when you discover the hidden demons within you, the ones which come out and surprise you with their existence. I think its not their existence that surprised me, its how I have been ignorant and been hiding behind who I want to be, rather than be who I am, is what baffled me.

Its sad to see myself doubting every single thing, not trusting people, feeling possessive, everything I thought I wasnt.

P.S..Thanks Saumya for spotting the right demon :)…it does not help when you write something after working with evlogd[aemon] all day

Alpha male and you..

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He was an alpha male, one need not be judgmental to say that. He was mean, fearless, speaking ill to the face, back stabbing, and could use any means to prove to his colleagues his superiority. He was feared by almost everyone who worked with him, not because he was all the things  said before, but most importantly he knew what he was doing, and almost every single time he took a stand, he took the right one. Thats something you admired in him, being able to be right almost every time, taking stands against people, even his superiors, spreading terror, and throwing open challenges. He was almost like an older, evil version of you.

He was around 55, he had a daughter older than you, and a girl friend younger to you. One could easily make out that he liked flirting, A biker, someone who was in shape, did a lot of flashy activities, just someone who knew how to live his life.

When it comes to work, you too never shied from challenges. You never took people head on, but then you were not the one to give up either. Someone like him, was your ultimate challenge. Debating with him, disagreeing with him and proving him you were correct and he wrong, was something you looked forward to. Even though rare, you did get to do that many a times, and you were rewarded with his trust, and more importantly respect. When such a guy thinks he could share a problem, which he is solving, with you, and then asks for your opinion on it, that day my friend brings the ultimate satisfaction which no promotion could give you.

At 55 when he is still ruling the professional world, what if one day he shares with you, a story of his painful breakup. The girl who he made him move cities, someone whom really cared about, someone who shared his passions, had decided to go her own way, living him devastated.

For the first time you get to see the human side of him, his vulnerabilities, his insecurities, his pain. He is still the terror he was to people, even to you he is still the same fearless person. Deep down you know he is human, he is vulnerable. Years of grey hair on his scalp has not hidden his vulnerability, he still cares to be loved, he still cares for his woman. You want to ring up a friend  who wrote “here“, how with age he had not buried his vulnerability nor strangled it out. He was as susceptible as his younger self who gave up a college education to marry at 17, his then sweetheart, mother of his 30 year old daughter.

One day, when on not being reminded by him that its a friday, and you ought to be out dancing at a club, or hitting a beach, you decide to ping him to check whats wrong, and he gets back 45 minutes later, that he is done for the week, and she had stepped in to take the last of her belongings. You for a moment not knowing what to say, tell him to dial you up if he wants to talk to someone, to discover he has already logged out.

One is never old to be vulnerable, and nor too young to be.

Are we wrong?

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Inter human equations, or relationships as we call them normally are such fascinating things, each time I talk to people about it, or think about it myself, it raises new fascinating questions, leaving me more baffled than what I began with.

Most of us believe that, no person is perfect. The idea of a perfect human is more like an oxymoron, what makes us human is imperfection, imperfection not just in us, but also in things we are a part of. This would mean, none of the human relationships are perfect, well I guess many of us would agree with that as well. None of our relationships are perfect, and it really makes no sense to a even try to achieve perfection, but then that doesn’t mean we stop wanting things to improve, more importantly it does us wanting things from our relationships. So that puts me in a dilemma.

Now that we agree that no relationships can be perfect, that would mean there will be certain things which will be missing, or rather we miss in our relationships. So the dilemma is this, is it ok to look for things we miss in a particular relationship, outside?.  Take a moment or two to think over it..

Let me give an example. lets say your spouse is not a big fan of sports, and you are a big fan. You “want” to discuss sports with your spouse but she/he isn’t interested, would it be wrong to find that “want” outside the relationship?, find a friend who would want to discuss sports with you?. It finds perfectly fine to do that, isn’t it?.

Let me spice it up a little bit. Now lets consider a scenario, where you like to converse about your daily job happenings, and your spouse is least bit interested in it. Now, would it be wrong to find a person outside your relationship to share your job stuff?. is this at some level cheating?.

Where I am headed at, can our relationships be “horses for courses” saying?, can we say, ok I am sure I wont get this from my spouse, so why not look for it outside?.

Its a lot easier when the dilemma is about sex, Its a clear cut taboo to look for it outside, but when it comes to other things its a dilemma. Sometimes we find the missing aspects in friends, co-workers, parents, and sometime even strangers. We might be looking out for things without even realizing that we are playing with the relationships, the question is are we wrong in doing so?.

Any thoughts?

Growing up

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You have questioned me before

Questions which I didn’t have answers for,

Questions that have ruined many a nights,

Questions, which you made me, work for,

Questions, which got answered,

Questions, which left me wondering

Is this your way of telling me,

Grow up?


An Answer,

A realization.


Through “her”

You made me,

Grow up.

Random Randomness #34/09

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Random Phonies:
Its fun when people around you have no clue whats going on, and they come up with some really odd explanation to your change in behavior, like for instance my dad checks with me the other day, “What’s up with you, sound so happy..did you just have a great nap”, even though his guess was not even close to reality, I just could not help but be amazed at his observation. Someway down the road you forget that people around you are as observant as you are, and they pick up smallest of the clues, be it a fellow blogger who thinks I am thinking out of the box, or more than one friend being surprised by my post which said long phone conversations. Infact that change in me surprised myself too, I was never the person who talked for a long time on phone, well life does bring changes in you.

Random Writing:
Suddenly it appears as if I have so much to say, my drafts on the wordpress have increased in number, even though I will think about when, how and if I will publish all of them, it feels good to be back to writing, and the thoughts flowing freely.

Random Tweets;
I have finally caved in and surrendered to world of twitter. I don’t know how long I will last, but until then here you go people, you can follow me here.

Random Thoughts:
Have you ever felt like you want to share a whole lot of stuff, and really didn’t know whom to share it with?, I am thinking of a possible acquaintance whom I can talk about a subject. Well you might ask, wasn’t this blog supposed to be that?, A friend whom I can share anything with. I guess another change is in the order, I want someone who can respond and give me real time views on subject I have on mind. I hope I find just the person with the right equation for this…

Random Movies:
Today has been a movie day, unexpectedly I had a lot of free time today and I caught up on some movies on the TV, Firstly it was Before Sunrise on IFC,  my second watch of the movie, I must tell you I am still impressed, the quotes are just too good for this to be just a movie. What followed that was a lovely Swedish movie, which I liked immensely. The movie is called “My life as a dog”,. It was just the movie I would recommend to someone who likes my kind of movies 🙂

Random Self Advice:
“Don’t be ready to detach, stay detached”, Something I have failed over and over at in my life, is staying detached. I don’t want to see myself go through this routine again of saying to myself detach detach, when I get more and more attached. I just don’t want to do that, what should a person to stay detached?, not care, forget to be passionate, close his eyes, what should I do.

Random Realities:
I just had incredible weekend, something I want to relive over and over again. I guess its not too weird to thank everyone who made this weekend what it was.

Catch you at the coffee machine

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Best thing about a social community is the variety it has to offer. What better community to observe, than the workplace where we spend so much of our time. One place I get to meet and observe amusing people is the coffee machine. I am sure each of us have our own coffee machine stories, but have you ever tried to see how different we are, and we show so much of us, in the 5 seconds we share at the coffee pot.

There are people who are so engrossed they don’t seem to have time to smile at others in the queue. They seem to have just walked out of a hard day at home, engrossed in work or other worries, just too occupied to enjoy the moment.

Then there those bubbly types, who seem to make me see sunshine in the hallway, chirpy with “mornings” on their lips, and wishes and smiles always. I always have a thought that how many of them have a bubbly mask to hide the real feeling.

Then there are those like me, who are caught humming every time they pick up a coffee, and embarrassed to the core catching someone behind them unexpectedly. Its as though the coffee pot appears like karaoke to them, not sure what is it about a morning which makes them wanna hum our favorite song.

Then there are those, who seem to have emptied all the perfume in their closet onto their clothes. Its as though they want to hide the faintest smell of their originality, as much as they want to hide every bit of their aroma. Nothing is worse than having to get headache on the way to one thing which can cure it.

Then there are those unruly types who don’t care a little bit of others, how difficult is to read a poster which is put up right next to the coffee pot, which says “please brew a new pot before picking up the one at the brew”. Its like they are just too selfish to care about others, as long as they get what they want, they really dont care if others have to wait for a long time.

Then there are those sweet people, who tend to be really helpful and clean up other’s mess. They pick up the tissues and wipe the desk around the pot, or refill the sugar etc. They really do think a  lot about others, may be they always have, coffee is just a way to showcase their habits.

One coffee machine..One work place..One community..and a whole lot of life