I have been a real bad blogger off late, not because I haven’t been reading my reader, not because I have not been writing my thoughts, not because I hardly chat with people from blog world who have become such good friends over time, it’s because I didnt even miss blogging, I did not miss not having a forum to express my thoughts, I didnt even felt the want to write them.
I don’t know if it’s a phase, or I just walked out of one. I just dont know.
I am just back from a vacation, where I had loads of fun, tons of firsts, and even more fun. I am trying to motivate myself enough to write my travelogue [Something I used to love doing]. Anyways more on this later.
The other day I was reading something and this thought of “What I could have been” came to me. I know what I am right, what If I had been something else, well I kind of day dreamt the different things I could be doing, it was very interesting to look closely at how I see an alternate me.
I could have been a someone struggling to break even in business if my dad and mom had chosen to stay back in Gujrat. Well I really cannot imagine myself doing business, as I am not cut out for that, well you never know. Realstically I picture of Anupum Kher from Ram Lakhan comes to my mind. May be a balder and a fatter version though.
I could have just made that small extra push in highschool, which would mean someone leaving in Rochester would be living in Bangalore instead, and I would have many more memories to cherish upon, and not just a single page from a notebook.
I could have been swimming instead of walking in knee deep water, if I knew how to pick my battles with my mom, and fight for the right stuff. Instead of a new ‘hero’ pen, I could have fought for a month of swimming lessons.
I could have walked around the pangong lake with some good friends, if I had not considered the money it costed, and use parents as an excuse from the vacation. I would not have this repent that I missed out on a great trip.
I could have been this middle aged married guy, in suburbs of california, if I had chosen to go ahead with my masters. I have so many real and fake reasons for this, I cant even begin listing them. I could have been the typical desi NRI visiting home once in two years, traveling once in a while within the US. Ah who am I kidding, I dont think I would ever like this country, or would I.
I could still continue to be the prejudiced, MCP which I once was. I could have continued to be a sexist, racist, and religiously biased person and continue to be proud about my fake ideals. I could have continued to close my eyes to real world, or not even try to open up to reality. This makes me wonder, have I really moved on?.
I could have been the couch potato which I was almost destined to become, if I had not found the wonderful world of books, courtesy S. I needed a balance, I still do, and there are many people who brought some of it in my life.
All this makes me realize how much I have fought with myself to be who I want to be, some were easy and for most part were difficult. But most of them are work in progress.