Today I am a married man, a happily married man. I have begun to enjoy my life more, I have actually started to begin and end days on a happy note, quite surprisingly I have partially reduced my anger, and more surprisingly, I think very little, of work when I am home, I even forget really interesting issues at work, once my wife comes home, which I thought, would never happen.
I am happy, but the question that seem to hog my mind these days is that, I am happy, so what?, Is this what my life about?, do I need to continue till my nth day, to sustain this happiness?.
Maybe I am thinking about these things because In a way I have been blessed and not to have to survive, if you know what I mean. May be when humans are put in a struggle to survive, and have a ‘burden’ to feed themselves and their kin, they do not think much as to why they have to live. The task in hand is too demanding to even think about the purpose of life. I guess living in itself becomes a purpose for life.
Coming back to my problem of why should one live. The next question I put myself through, was why now?, why am I thinking of the reason for human to live now, what has changed. I was too busy to even think about these things as a student, I guess we all have tasks cut out for us, good school, high marks, good professional seat, a good paying safe job. We have a list of achievements, or rather tree of achievements all cut out for us. I don’t think i ever asked myself before preparing for my exams, as to so what if I get great marks, so what If I get a good job. It was something which had become a necessity by default.
Now I could think of newer achievements which could excite me. Well I am sure they will excite me, as I can think of a bunch of achievements which are already making a beeline in my mind right now. But every achievement the question is going stronger in mind. Ok I achieve them, I will struggle to achieve them for another few months, few years, few decades. I am super excited to even attempt them, and then to achieve them if possible, but then so what?, are these achievements just to pass time as I live along?.
Important thing in life is to stretch yourself beyond our potential, there by increasing our potential. We can always curb our growth by setting smaller goals, we can expand our universe by stretching a bit at a time, and it can astound you how much our potential has potential to expand.
I have bunch of goals, there is no lacking in that department, and I have both materialistic, not materialistic, diversified goals.
I want to own a house, I have this goal from a long time
I want to start running, waking up early like the way I used to
I want to learn sandhya vandane, as I never got chance to learn it
I want to learn a new language
I want to this
I want to that
but then I achieve them, so what, I dont see the big picture, why should I get to my goal, if and when I do get, what do I get?, I get satisfaction, I get happiness, so what?, I will move onto newer goals, but what did I gain from it?. Maybe experience, but then whats the gain from the experience.
One of the biggest questions in my mind right now is about family. Ok We are a couple without a kid right now, I see many couples around me with kids, or planning for one. Parents working hard for their kids future, for their education, for their day to day being. I fail to see a point in raising a family, at the end of all family life so what, why should I go through all of it. It just baffles me.
I tend to see people for whom life is just a routine, marriage family, work retirement and death, I don’t see any point in all this, I don’t see a purpose to live in a routine life as I mentioned above.
More lately I have developed a sense of “been there, done that, what next” syndrome. I do know that life is full of surprises, and we get to deal with unexpected at every step, they do end up being pleasant sometimes, not so pleasant other times, but nevertheless they are challenges one will get to face in a boring routine life, but then what if the surprises fail to excite you any more, as everything appears to be a function of time, with time you just come out of these challenges either victorious or failures, only constant result of these challenges is that you would have spent more time left in your life to live.
I was very curious to explore one aspect of life, that’s the relationship part of it, I had and still have many ideas and expectations from my relationship, some fulfilled, some to be worked for, but one realization has been that, its the not ultimate, it does form an important role in your life, and adds one more person for whom you are responsible for, your life is responsible for. But again relationship fails to answer my questions of why, it adds more happiness to life, and surprises.
I can choose to come out of my comfort zone, go find a new job, try to keep myself busy, and I am damn sure I would struggle out of my skin to reach the current comfort in the new job, in the meantime learning newer skills and knowledge. I can start right away to prepare for interviews, and go all out to screw up a comfortable, good paying job I already have, for a better paying one. I am sure that would keep me occupied for next few years.
Only question is, should I do it, only to ‘pass’ next few years in my life?, should I do it for the thrill and excitement?, for happiness? for satisfaction?…
Any and all of those are yet to prove their point in my life.
I can’t seem to stop asking myself, “so, what”?.
Oh btw, I asked these questions to my wife, and am sure she thought I was drunk…