Posted in pure pursuit, Relationships, Romance, Thoughts, thoughts to think

Lets talk adultery

Some years back this post would have gone to pure pursuits, but now not sure if anyone even remembers my other blog [the anyone includes me too :)], hence the post goes in here.

I was recently reading a post about married male friend by ideasmithy over at xxfactor. Two topics really caught my attention.

Firstly Social groups today, and what can be termed acceptable when it comes to flirting or physicality in groups.

Secondly the post about married men looking out, cheating, flirting in social groups.

I want to blog about the first topic sometime, but today its turn to look at married men. Lets generalize the discussion, and consider committed men in general. Defining a committed man is as difficult as defining a gentleman these days, so let me begin with my definition of committed man. “A man who is in a steady relationship, either married or unmarried, where in the above mentioned relationship has been acknowledged by both the parties involved”.

When it comes to cheating, people first talk about sexual adultery, the idea of a committed man or woman having a physical relationship, has been criticized and talked about for years together, and it remains the biggest concern of all men and women out there. The lesser evil, but very much seeking the above, is the flirting. From, a long time now I can’t really define flirting, nor make out what constitutes it. I was never able to make out if and when a girl flirted with me, or what behavior of me was perceived as flirting by people in my social circle, flirting and inappropriate “touches” have been the next big offence in the list of cheating.

I feel that, somewhere, under the shadow of the two above described star offences, the real and more dangerous form of cheating gets swept under. To me, what I call “mental adultery”, is a by far the biggest offence. I would be lying, that it would be easy to accept a spouse/girl friend who has strayed physically, in fact I am not even sure if I will be able to get past such an act, however I feel I would be hurt the most by an act of mental adultery.

Long before I was in a relationship, I had thought a lot about the adultery depicted in media, and the instances we get to hear from people around us. Almost 99.99% of those belong to the first two offences I mentioned earlier.

Has anyone of you heard complaining of cheating such as,

I saw my husband have this really close and thought provoking conversation with a girl friend of his, and I felt cheated?,

He shared his deepest of fears with a friend, when I was here all ears for him?,

He was having this long drinks session with his close girl friend, talking hours about his ambitions and his views on life, when I was sitting right there, and completely ignored when it comes to discussion of serious issues?,

My wife wants to discuss her emotional feeling with her girl friend rather than open up to me?.

He consulted two of his closest girl friends before taking a major decision in life, when I felt cheated?.

Everytime he reads a book, he goes calls up this friend of his, and talks for hours discussing their views on it?,

I can go on and list thousands of instances, where one of the persons in a relationship can feel cheated. When this happens day after day, months after months, wouldn’t this become a bigger form of adultery?

When my partner chooses someone else to share her mind with, and lets me share only her body, probably that would be end of my relationship. I may consider forgiving my partner if she endulged in flirting in a social group, but I would have a tough time sharing my wife’s intimate moments in mind with someone else.

Don’t get me wrong here. I am talking about committed people having an activity partner or a discussion partner outside marriage. In fact it is very healthy to have one, and not just be tied to each other mentally. Just like there is a line for physicality, I assume there is a line for emotional relationship as well. People need to know when to stop.

I am really curious to know about the other man/woman who has been a part of such a mental adultery, and their views on this. I have a feeling, that a very high percentage of people wouldn’t even know that they were the third wheel, as most of these are not even taken as serious offence, and the usual guards which are set for so called immoral relations are off for this kind of an adultery. I have wondered many a times if I have every been such a third wheel, but have not been able to identify much. I would be really interested to know views from my fellow bloggers who have had such an experience, where they have felt that they are “other woman/man” in a mental adultery.

In today’s world, bloggers are discussing about cheating, magazines have issues dedicated to cheating and the other woman/man, movies being made about the “pati patni or who”, I seriously wish to read, hear, and see more on the mental adultery.

11 thoughts on “Lets talk adultery

  1. Even I have no definition of mental adultery. But I think and may be even believe that there are some things that you can’t discuss about with your spouse. I mean would you call it mental adultery if I, a girl, spent hours talking to a girl-friend of mine about the book I just got reading? Is it not possible that I talk to a friend and not my hubby only coz books are not his area of interest? Or even that my hubby doesn’t find it interesting to talk about all that he reads. I guess it all comes down to sharing. If you share enough of your life with your spouse, the li’l and the big moments, then may be the short periods of time you spend with the rest of the world won’t be a big deal any more. However, it is very important to be aware of how your spouse feels about all this.

  2. I think its subjective. I mean there are some things you could only talk to some friends.. if one is feeling cheated out of the conversation I would say all one has to do is ask and you would be told..

  3. Have you read “The girl who plays with fire” by Stieg Larsson? There is a couple mentioned in that book where the guy is ok with her having physical relationship with some other guy, cos she needs more. The couple in question loves each other, and lives almost lik a perfect couple. But when I read about them, I was amazed, whether any such couple exists? I do not know when a partner being too emotionally attached to other person in a relation starts mattering 2 much, but i guess its a personal ting.

  4. I bang on agree with many points here. Many times I feel sex is given too much importance than required. Marriage or the commitment doesn’t mean only the physical commitment. I had read a soiled torn old paper when I was small where a lady feels cheated on knowing her husband had food outside the house. She wonders whats wrong, whether she is a bad cook, whether he doesn’t care for her anymore, whether thats the end etc. Do you see the parallelism to this scenario?

    Which one you chose given a choice, a spouse who is all ears for your problems, respects you, helps you in everything, has your best interest in mind but has had physical diversions to a spouse who just doesnt understand you, doesnt respect you, doesnt believe in your dreams, makes your life miserable but is physically faithful!!! Anything in life is as important as much we give importance to it.

  5. I dont think what you have noted down is mental adultry – every person is free in his or her own way to express their feelings and emotions; the line is something that one draws. It cannot be a universal, common line that every person has to abide by. Having said this, it is not easy to define what is mental adultry. In my opinion, mental adultry would be about deliberately not wanting to share their deepest emotions and feelings and purposely/intentionally seeking somebody else to share their thoughts or dreams of fantasies.

  6. Emotional affairs are very real and extremely damaging too.. I have been at the receiving end of abuse and an emotional affair that my husband had and I still cannot decide what hurt me more. When a person’s emotional need is met by any person outside the relationship thereby diluting the emotional connect of a relationship its an emotional affair. It does not matter if this 3rd person is a friend/family or someone of the same sex.

    Poem of Abuse

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s