Monthly Archives: July 2011

Should I call this a crisis?

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I am back with a retrospect post again. Rambler’s ramblings seem to be incomplete without some rants and retrospect.

Almost 30 is the perfect time for some quarter life crisis, or may be considering my theory that software engineers don’t live past 60, it’s the perfect age for mid-life crisis. It’s the time where we look out for things we want to achieve, look at our life and correct some cobwebs, change our attitude towards us, and life in general.

I don’t know if I can classify my current feeling as one such crisis.

Last couple of months have been good and bad professionally and personally. I have had some joy doing things which I like to do at work. Solving problems which I like, and enjoying the success when I crack some difficult ones. I don’t find it surprising that  I still do enjoy problem solving, however it baffles me that some of my colleagues don’t. On the bad front, I have been having some serious doubts about stagnation at my work front, and questioning myself if my decision to stay on is a good one. On the personal front too, I am enjoying moments of joy from a married life, which includes a lot of things which I cannot pin point to, but in all having a good time.

So, you may wonder where is the crisis..

Well I seem to have this feeling of not being good enough,  feeling inadequate. This self-doubt does exist in every individual in small amounts, but then at one point it starts to affect one’s confidence. I have always tried to make sure this self-doubt doesn’t cross that boundary. Of later there have been numerous instances where it seems to cross it and affect me mentally.

On days when I wake up with an off mood, thinking about all the things which I haven’t done in a manner which I cannot consider good enough; The decisions I have taken, which after a long point of no return,  suddenly start putting doubts in my mind; The conversations what I have had with people who seem to have not been to my standards. Even when I think of things to do in future, the thought of being incapable or error prone feeling which makes me sad and offbeat.

What is it that is making me feel not good enough. Is it the self-doubt?  Is it the fear of judgment? Is it the social peer pressure?

I have always given importance to things which I consider important. They have many times been away from the norm. My choices have had a specific purpose and reason behind them, and I have always been proud of my theories which stand by me in all my thoughts and decisions.

So why this doubt now?.

Dream-less

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I recently read in a newspaper that, couples enjoy pillow talk. I had to look it up on wikipedia to understand what it meant. I was surprised that the rambler household seems to indulge in pillow talk early in the morning after waking up, compared to a lot more common variant which takes places before going to bed. I usually have this habit of describing the weirdness of my dream from the previous night, first thing in the morning to my wife.

On a totally different front, looks like virtual ramblings is hardly getting any posts, and when it does, it has something to do with my wife or couplehood..Time to change!!! Atleast after this post 🙂

Anyhow, coming back to the topic. I seem to have this knack and zeal to remember the dreams vividly and describe the same the next morning.

Women have a way of surprising me, when I least expect it. Or  may be I have this thing of letting women surprise me, when I least expect it.

When we spend a lot of time with a certain person, we end up having many conversations with that person, and not all of them are serious and meaningful, there is a whole lot of goofing around, fun and laughter, but in between we have those moments where we realize the gear has shifted.  I really cherish such conversations with my wife.

One day, suddenly out of the blue, my wife asked me, “what my dream was”.

What followed was an absolute blank, where I was hardly in the conversation. My mind was searching for that dream, as my tongue blurted out things which made no sense.

I was forced to take some time off that conversation, and think about the dreams I have. I came up with a small list. And once the conversation began again. My wife pointed out,  again to my surprise,  how truly none of them were dreams, and they were just goals.

Being a practical person I have set myself many goals, I have failed to have a dream. When I look back, my earlier dreams were again sort of a goals and not a dream as such.

Is it so difficult to dream?, is it so necessary to have dreams?, why am I feeling guilty that I dont seem to have one?, why am I not happy at my logical psyche?. These questions have been haunting me ever since.

Dream-less is not what I intend to be, Dream-less is not what I wanted to discover myself to be.

unlike

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Why do people value money more than family?. People who have been brought up in close knit families, who have seen the extent of troubles parents go through to give them all the pleasures possible, even they fail to understand what and how they break hearts speaking about money. I cannot understand how people can accept and expect money from sick parents.

I used to be proud of my culture, my people, my family, my cousins for all the right values which I thought we had. Why did you have to burst my bubble?.

I will never be able to look at you or talk to you, without a hint of disgust and rejection.