Monthly Archives: October 2011

Obsession with the move.

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There are days when I feel like a train,
train on the move,
passing through numerous stations,
few minutes of halt, and then the gallop,
people getting on, and some getting off,
a sense of belonging, short lived.

There are days when I feel like a station,
a station, the common still ground.
Trains loaded with people, come and go
few minutes of commotion, and then the calmness,
people getting off, and some getting on,
a sense of abandonment, short lived.

Makes me wonder,
Why this obsession,
Obsession with the move.

To Guard or not to Guard

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Its been a week since I posted, and I am actually feeling sad to have not blogged for a week. I am also happy, that I am feeling sad about not blogging, because over the last couple of years I had stopped feeling that. Anyhow..I will stop being happy/sad in spirals and continue with the post I guess.

One of these days I was wondering what should a man in his late twenties, one who has been single for a long time, change his conduct, mannerisms after his marriage.

Being unmarried gives us a lot of liberty, we don’t have really think before we strike up a conversation with opposite sex at the work place, or on the commute. Not just the conversation, even when someone beautiful and attractive passes by and catches your attention, the way your mind reacts, everything comes out natural.

When I got married, In the initial days I was very conscious about how I come across to people of opposite sex, I was conscious not to appear interested, and curb my natural tendency to mix humor in my talk. I don’t see a logic behind why I did that, but it just happened. During many a conversation, I used to remember half way through that I had forgotten about my guard. I have blogged many a times about how I do not get flirting, nor understand if anything I do appears to be flirting. So may be my mind was putting down a guard to make sure I don’t flirt.

When someone appears attractive to you, or when their persona strikes you, its normal tendency to want to talk to them, or get to know them. Not all those attraction have romantic interests. In fact most of them have no romantic interests. But how does one change his/her outlook towards this subject after being married. More importantly should one change his outlook?.

The virtual life is a whole new ball game. Anybody who reads my blogs can see, almost all of my readers are women. In fact I did a poll too as to why it is so. Since I have a habit of exchanging comments on the blog and also with some of the old blogger friends on the gtalk, I end up chatting with a lot of women. Well, Now that my online time is so limited, it might have gone down drastically but still. I was chatting with an old blogger friend yesterday, and was feeling so conscious about what I speak. I met this person on gtalk after ages, and I was finding uneasy about my self censorship. Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing even close to romance or attraction of any kind involved, but then its just kind of odd.

Should a man guard himself after being married
So how much should a man guard himself after marriage, where to draw the line, or should there be a line in the first place
Am I just going nuts about something which is blown totally out of proportion [I have been guilty of exaggerating things :)]

‘My’ Voice

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How many times, has an event sprung a realization of an odd kind? I would say not so often. Just the other day, I was watching a cousin of mine on stage, and it struck me that it has been such a long time since I have held a mike. I think the last time must be in my high school. Even back then, speaking on mike never came easily to me, I had to force myself to get my inhibitions off, and just say what I got to tell. I remember participating in debates and dreading to speak up, I would have had so many points to make, but speaking up was never my forte. When I was introduced to essay and creative writing, I grabbed it with both hands, and found a medium to make my points, without having to get on the stage.

The philosophy seems to have gotten struck with me. The idea of not voicing my thoughts, not speaking up and owning my ideas. Professionally I might be the one who is one of those who doesn’t hesitate a bit, before voicing opinions in meetings and discussions, as though it’s a whole new facet of me. When it comes to real life [Very interesting that I don’t consider my profession as my real life], I hardly voice my displeasures, pleasures, and most importantly my stand on various subjects. Being a very opinionated guy, I find it really surprising that I don’t voice my opinions.

My blog is the biggest example of my escapism. The thoughts expressed here, which I consider the truest picture of my mind, even here I have chosen to not own my thoughts and come up with a pseudo name. I can count with half the number of fingers in my left hand, how many people know about my real life identity and identify my thoughts with me. When an article of mine got published in a book, I chose to write it under the pseudo name, and didn’t even share it with parents. So basically my thoughts never get the identity of my voice, they remain mostly anonymous.

This leaves me with questions. Is it fear? Is it escapism? Is it immaturity? Is it natural? Is it pseudoism?