Posted in "Theory of pursuit", Kindred, Life, Moi, Personal, Soul crap, Thoughts, thoughts to think

Looking forward.

I looked forward to every exam during my school and college days, it was in a way looking forward to their results. For a person who was from lower middle class, these results held the key to a good job, and a comfortable world, both of which I looked forward to. For 21 years of my life, largely my goals were very simple, study well get a good job was its motto. I really looked forward to end of this phase, where I thought I can spend my time on my other interests and goals.

I looked forward to visiting ‘America’ a dream country. I somehow never had it in me, to migrate there, enjoy their standard of life. This was long before I even developed enough maturity as to why I didn’t want to move there. When I started to work, and many of my friends chose America as a country to go and settle, I looked forward to visit the country. I looked forward to see what is it that, attracts so many people, I looked forward to experience the standard which everyone was so happy about.

With all the material things which I looked forward to, I never had enough thoughts on how much I was missing out on the human front, on the emotional front. I started looking forward to more meaningful friendships, a meaningful relationship, and whole lot of people in my life who will add new meaning to my life.

As I grew older. I looked forward to even more riches. I looked forward to a 4 figure monthly salary, I looked forward to buying properties, I looked forward to owning things which I missed out on growing up, I looked forward to eating out when I can.

There was a time, where I looked forward to the final series of tv show friends. I discovered books. I looked forward to reading authors whom I adored, reading about things and plots which were so vivid and varied then what I am accustomed to. I discovered writing and I looked forward to reaching out to people through my blog. meeting and knowing more people online.  I discovered travelling, and I looked forward to travelling to many places which I carefully picked out from the world. The idea of planning and picking places to go, places to eat at in itself was a big thing to look forward to, much before I ended up in those places.

I looked forward to parenthood. I knew I would love to pass on things to my child, I looked forward to many things he started learning.

Recently I was asked by an ‘app’ what is it that I was looking forward to.

Bam!.. I didn’t have anything which I was looking forward to. The discovery that I was not looking forward to anything made me really sad. Instantaneously I messaged a friend about this, if it is sad that I don’t look forward to anything now. I don’t think anyone can answer that to me, but still in a desperate attempt to get over this discovery I was making an attempt to get some comfort. There is nothing I could think of at that moment as to why  I do not have anything to look forward to,  and if it was ok to be that way.

A great feature to many of these online music website, is their playlists. There is playlist for everything, mood you are in, activity you are doing, the city you are at, the singers you love, the time period you are thinking. You name it, there is a playlist for that. I was listening to a random playlist that morning on my travel to a destination for my vacation. As I was travelling with someone, I did not have much control on the music they played, and I was struck with this random playlist which kept playing songs. As the time passed, I started to wait for the unknown lyrics and tunes, some which I ended up liking, some which I wanted to desperately end, some which were too average for me to develop an opinion on them, some familiar, some alien to me. I really looked forward to listening to the next song in the list. It was so in the moment that, the looking forward to lasted just a song, and there was no holding onto. Two days later as I was back from my vacation and on my way to work. I wanted to try this again, where I play a random playlist and relive that experience.

I realized I have begun to see my life as this playlist, with random sequence of familiar and unfamiliar things, with lovable and not so lovable events which I eagerly look forward to. Unlike long ago, where I had concrete things to look forward to, I have more blended canvas for a life, where I know there are going to be occasions where I look forward to things which are short lived, and then move on to other things. Some of the things life throws at us are highly challenging, some of these challenges last a long time, they test our patience, they test our skills, some let us win, and some defeat us, at the end if there is one, there is going to be another challenge. We get to meet many people, some stand by us, some move apart, some stick to us long enough, some are happy to hug and say goodbye. We buy new things, some we look forward to, some we save up for, some are impulsive buys.

 

I have no clue what is going to be tomorrow, I look forward to that unknown. Looking forward to what’s in store. Looking forward to life.