Posted in Children, Family, Kindred, Life, Moi, Personal, Thoughts, thoughts to think

Not so innocent

The incident dates back to couple of years, when a lady in our family made an observation about my then 4-year-old son. The lady remarked that ‘he’ is not innocent like her son. I guess like any normal parent, I did not like the comment, who would say such a thing about a 4-year-old child? The uneasiness on my part stemmed from the notion of innocence being a likable virtue in humans, even more so in kids. I have thought about it many a times since that day and observed my son more carefully on this subject. I think I agree with the lady’s observation of my son. He is not innocent. It does not mean he is not childish, but he is not a innocent child per se.

I began looking up what are the antonyms for innocent, to my surprise there is no clear antonym, instead there are what are called near antonyms. Some of them are ‘dishonest’, ‘artificial’, ‘devious’ etc, some others where ‘street smart’, ‘careful’, ‘mature’. Now just because I dont consider my son not innocent, does not mean he is any of the above antonyms of innocent. He is just not naive as many other kids.
As far as I can remember my childhood, I was never innocent, I always calculated what is beneficial to me, and in general considered good by whatever values I had at that age, and decided what I should do. I see the same qualities developing in my son for a while now, and I also see that he is sincere and smart. This is a combination which I believe has worked me throughout my childhood. Loss of innocence is termed like a bad thing, infact more than innocence being a virtue, lack of it is considered bigger a vice in the society. I do consider innocence a virtue, I guess, I do not subscribe to the notion that lack of it is a vice.

I like the innocence in my child’s laughter, I dont dread the lack of it in his smile. I like the innocence in my son’s attachment to his mother, I dont dread the lack of it in his interaction with the world.

Posted in Life, Moi, Personal, Thoughts, thoughts to think

Boiling cauldron

Self-confidence is a very funny thing, it takes years and years to build, and is lost in moments. For a guy who has not been used to being insecure, when it comes to anything other than social life, losing confidence at a slow pace has not been easy to handle. Disasters should occur in an instant, the slow ones are the most painful. Lately I have been having a tough time trying to motivate myself at work, it has been more than 15 years since I felt this way about my work. Last time around, I was fresh off college, with absolutely no responsibilities and a wide horizon of oppertunities, this time around I have a whole bunch of other things to consider before making things better for myself. The worst part of the whole thing, is convincing yourself that it is okey to break out of a well paying comfort zone for something called work satisfaction. I have to admit, my family has been my biggest strength in last couple of months. They have unknowingly helped me a lot in this low time, by providing me a great sense of purpose.  Enjoying ego is bad, but it has been a pet peeve for many of us. Having your ego broken is a very hard problem to face. Feeling inferior is not an easy task. I hate myself for not taking any concrete action to solve my problem, I hate the fact that I am waiting for time to set everything right, I hate the fact that I am just not willing to fight, its so not me.