Posted in "Fifty Five Words ", Children, Family, Kindred, Life, Moi, Personal, Relationships

Alpha

Just thirteen more steps,
said the proud father,
as the little one huffed and puffed.

Kiddo had outperformed his father’s expectation,
he had reached this far,
keeping beautiful distractions at bay,
defying both the mother nature, and his own.

Old heart smiled, at the blind young one

Together
they had
hiked,
an unlucky
father’s
climb.

—————————————————————————————————

It has been while since I gave myself a creative writing challenge. I am back to my favourite format “fifty five words”, and I chose the word “climb”. I love to say more with a few.

Posted in "Body or Soul", "Theory of pursuit", Admiration, Dilemma, Kindred, Life, Moi, Personal, pure pursuit, Thoughts, thoughts to think

Lets get physical

After almost 10 years of married life, I have realized that apart from immense love and compatibility between couples, one of the mainstays of a happy married life is physical attraction between the couples. I am happy that I still am attracted to my wife physically, and this attraction adds joy to our married life.

Growing up, I have been used to associating guilt with physical attraction. I blame this one my conservative middle class mindset. There are many many ideologies which I am proud of, and I attribute them to conservative middle class upbringing, but I guess this is one of those few which are incorrect notions instilled in young adolescent minds, due to parents not being able to deal with their own attractions. I have always tried to highlight, my attractions to various things in the opposite sex, and none of them have been a lie, I have been attracted to strong oratory skills among women, I have been attracted to women who are bold and stand up to their arguments, I have been attracted to women with a good sense of humor. I have highlighted this in my conversations with my friends and family, I have spoken about these on my blogs. Even thought this is the truth, this is not the entire truth. I have always felt a sense of guilt, in feeling physically attracted to opposite sex, and admitting that. Apart from the feeling the guilt, I have looked down upon people who feel physically attracted or express the same, I have been made to believe this “looking down” is the acceptable norm, and we should morally stick to it. I have realized lately that this is an unhealthy mindset, and should be dealt appropriately from an young age. It is never late to correct one’s mindset, Isn’t it?

Now that I have openly admitted to feeling physical attraction, I want to debunk some of the myths on this subject.

Attraction is a trigger, and not an end. Physical attraction is associated with lust in many minds. Lust in itself is a huge topic, if it is a good or bad. However I don’t think physical attraction is to lust, whereas nonphysical attraction is to love, is a very incorrect association. When a bee gets attracted to a bright colored flower, isn’t that the most natural form of attraction?, so what if it is because of the color or smell of the flower?, is the bee wrong in getting attracted?. Does the bee lust the flower?.

Beauty in all forms, including physical is nature’s gift, and feeling attracted to whatever we fancy is not lust. It is an honest expression of a strong like to a certain subset of what our senses perceive.

Physical attraction does not always mean temptation. I am not sure why it is depicted in all media, especially films and newspaper that a physically attracted male is succumbing to the dark world of temptation. I have been attracted to many people physically after I have been married. To be honest, not even one of them turned out to be a temptation. It was a strong like to certain aspect, which happens to be physical in nature. To give you an example, I get easily impressed by dressing sense of people, especially choice of colors. I think pastel colors like peach, light yellow, pearl white, light rust etc are so pleasing to the eyes that women who wear such colors seem attractive to my eyes. I will always notice the color of people’s clothes and how they carry those colors. One might argue, dressing sense is not a physical attraction, I would argue why not?, should physical attraction be limited to shape of a human body? Or some parts of it?. I am not saying being attracted to that is temptation or bad, its just not a complete definition of physical attraction. If I ever was attraction to human body, which I have been, I feel it is completely natural and nothing wrong with it. I wouldn’t have admitted this a few years ago, I guess age has made me bolder, or may be more truthful.

When poets write at lengths about their admiration for loved ones, the society does not frown upon them, they are not termed indecent. When an young adult admires a classmate’s essay, it is not considered bad, however if he admires classmate’s eye, it is frowned upon. It is considered inappropriate for students. It is not just considered bad by teachers and parents, even the peers make fun of the young mind. What’s wrong in admiring something you get attracted to?. Isn’t that natural?. I am not saying all natural thoughts should be expressed in raw form without the norms of a society, but a sense of shame and guilt instilled for something as pure as physical attraction, is not a fair thing to do. The time I was that age, it was even worse for women. I don’t even know their take on this matter. It must be even more difficult for them to express their attractions. I have heard the times have changed, and young boys and girls growing up in India, these days are more liberal about these things. I would love to hear from someone that age, how today’s youth deals with such topic.

When we walk into a room full of people, what attracts you most physically to a people?. To me, it’s their choice of colors and dressing sense, secondly its their perfume. A whiff of a good perfume always makes my head turn. Sadly, the perfume is associated more and more with seduction. I believe that each of us have our own aroma, and only a few have the skill of enhancing it with just the right dash of perfumes, and at the right regions of their bodies. I have an acute sense of smell, and I get easily drawn to people with good choice of perfumes. Would I call it, I get seduced by them?. Definitely not. I don’t get seduced, I get attracted. Physical attraction is not means to seduce someone, or get seduced. It can be used as a bait, I agree, however not every worm is a bait, or not every fish falls for one.

Lastly when it comes to be crude bodily physical attraction, I have to admit I have been there, done that. But just the fact that I used the word “crude bodily physical attraction” shows how prejudiced this is. My heart says there is nothing wrong with it, it is natural and all of us go through it, there is nothing wrong in admiration of human body, getting attracted by it. My head says, this is just your way of justifying one’s weakness. When did physical attraction become weakness our head?

I would love to hear more from you guys, people growing up with different mindsets, different gender, different country, thoughts are welcome.

Posted in Kindred, Life, Realité, Thoughts, thoughts to think

Voids and Blanks

There is one thing which I notice when I wake up every day, and when I go back to bed, these days. The silence.
Living in a busy part of the city, I am used to noise from dawn to dusk. I have been used to waking up to morning traffic frantically honking it’s way around, people walking around and feeling alive with petty yelling, hawkers testing their lungs by shouting out their products, kids playing in the streets with their high pitched chatter, and neighbors filling my ears with noise which can only be termed satanic.
I wake up to silence these days. It is not like, the activities have suddenly died, but its like they have been muted. The honk no longer has the zing in it, people no longer have their hearts in their yells, hawkers are the most impacted, I see their battered faces hiding behind those tiny masks, as they whimper trying to make their ends meet.
As I watch people from my balcony, I recognize many of them, I know many shopkeepers around my house, many have seen me grow up, I have seen many grow up and inherit businesses from their parents, I have seen them expand their businesses, in some cases lose a lot of it too, I have seen ups and downs in their life, as I live through mine. Now as I watch them carry on their daily life, I see the agony on their faces. They dont know what’s next. The silence of uncertainty has been deafening.
I had never thought much about local businesses, and how we should nurture them. When I first heard this idea from a close friend, about 10 years ago in a foreign country, I dismissed it as a first world problem, I thought who are we kidding, how can these giant corporations take over our friendly neighborhood businesses. Fast forward ten years around, when I order anything and everything on Amazon, I order my groceries on big basket, when I buy my son’s stationary online, I didnt realize what I was doing to my own fellows back home. In this time of immense fear and toxic uncertainty, when small business owners are fighting for their ends to meet, I have realized what my friend meant 10 years ago. However, even though I feel for them, it is not making me run to their shops to give them business, instead I frantically look for delivery shots online. The fear of virus has made me selfish enough, such that my selfishness has triumphed over my duty towards humanity.
This silence, which I have always been looking forward to, has become a bit of a nightmare. I am looking forward to all possible ways to fill in this silence. I have paid more money to Netflixs, Hotstars, and Primes then they deserve, in an attempt to fill my silence with creative words, I even become a “ullu” in the pursuit. No words can fill silence forcefully, can it?. I have filled my day with lot of walking and exercise, with never ending work, with movies and books, and a lot of family time. Despite of all this, I can still hear the silence. This nerve wrecking, insanely deafening silence.
My worst attempt to fill in for this silence has been via news channels. I have heard all kinds of news casters, the screamers, the learned bearded scholars, the biased, the international, in languages which require translation, from lands far away with a whole new world of problems. Whichever channel I see, its showing the same fate of people across the world, some blame it one others, others blame it on themselves. Suffering has been so enormous and universal. This silence has enveloped the whole world.
As I hear my son shout his way into this room, his childlike innocence reminds of a thing which lightens my mood, “hope”. I think these three magical words are what we have left, “hope”, “faith” and “belief” to fight this silence.
I thought I love silence, but this is not what I asked for.

Posted in "Theory of pursuit", Admiration, Kindred, Life, Moi, Personal, Randomness, Realité, thème, Thoughts, thoughts to think

An enchanting window.

Whenever I stood next to it, I felt the power creep into me. Who does not enjoy being powerful?, I did enjoy it too. I love the fact that, standing right at my home, beside this powerful tool, the window, I can get see and observe lives of many people right at my doorstep.  I can actually hear some of them too. As my gaze goes far, I still get to observe people, even though I may not get to comprehend them well. Farther down, even though I can’t see or hear them, I get a whiff of their lives. I get to see both the good and the bad, I get to hear both music and noise as mere sounds. I get to experience the smells without having to look for the aroma. I like the power of an open window.

Our bodies and minds have this amazing capabilities of recognizing patterns, and mapping them. You automatically start brushing your teeth when you stand in front of your sink in the morning, or your nose starts sniffing for fresh coffee early in the morning as you walk past your kitchen. When I started living along, my mind developed this acute sense of feeling raw emotions when I stood at my window. For a person who is not so comfortable showing emotions, smiles and tears did not shy from showing up when I stood at my living room window. There was nothing magical about it, but still, enchanting it was. Complex emotions found their way into my expressions, without the fear, the guilt I usually associate with most of those emotions. I wondered if it showed, If I displayed?, If I presented. Oh wait!, I didn’t care anymore, I stood behind a window. Who cares what the outside people saw.

Have you ever lived in a room with thin walls, you can exactly hear whats going on with your neighbors, you just didn’t show it. You heard all their words, without listening. You learn to pretend without being pretentious. To be honest, the window ignited the naturist in me to be stark naked, without having to cover my insecurities, without having to care for the voyeurs lurking in the dark. I was not an exhibitionist, but a pure naturist. I enjoyed having the control of closing the drapes when I want, and living it open when I feel.

Near the window, I made up my own rules, whenever I felt like it, I broke them too, I didn’t have anyone to answer to, more importantly I didn’t have me to question. A long standing rule, was about me, not sitting near the windows. I always stood there. I like to have my eyesight level with the windows, I did not want to look upto it. It was my equal, it was my mate. I liked the sweet pain in my legs when I spent long hours with it, it was worth the pain. It deserved the respect of me standing up to it.

Dimensioning one’s gain is very difficult, especially when the gain is not materialistic. My window had both the lovely dimensions, space and time. I have observed the constant space over a varying time, I have seen the same front yard from my window for ages now. The color of seasons, have changed and repeated, people have often stood, gone and returned, the constant tree has withered and greened up. When I have moved places, I have seen the constant time with varying space, the windows have changed, I have observed how my new courtyard reacted to the same seasons, how new people have come reacted to exact same stimulus. How each one of them have left a mark in me with their reactions, even though they are not aware of me watching them acutely.

Its not like my window has always remained open, or I have always been besides it. However I have found great comfort in seeing life, and being seen. I have enjoyed being leered by perverts, and admired by prophets with equal nonchalance.

As I close the drapes on this post, I cant help but enjoy my ramblings at my window, albeit virtual.

Posted in Admiration, Kindred, Life, Memories, Moi, Nostalgia, Personal, Thoughts, thoughts to think

The Last Conversation

I have been listening to a lot of TED talks lately during my morning walks. I was struck by one of the speakers recently who spoke about last conversations. He was talking about how people feel when they realize that the conversations they have had was the last one with that particular person. It is not similar to how would I live life if this was my last day, its more of a realization rather than reaction. This aspect of the talk got me thinking about many of my last conversations. That friend who disappeared, friends for whom I disappeared, people dear to me who are now stars in the sky, a special someone who knew our fate all along, blogworld people who have vanished. I have realized how unknowingly I have had my last conversation with so many of my dear ones. In many a cases, I don’t even remember what we spoke about, if we enjoyed our conversation, or if it is of any significance. In retrospect, when I realize that was our last conversation, a kind of a lump sets in my throat.

A conversation is not just about words isn’t it?, there is so much more to a conversation then the mere words, to begin with there is the voice, the persona, the smell of the person, the warmth of the unspoken words between people, the touch of intimacy amongst people involved, and many more senses which come into play when two people converse. The last conversation, invariably means that we have had last of the experience of all these senses.

Think of a book or a movie which you have loved, that one which spoke to you, when you try to reread that book or watch the movie again, don’t you realize a difference in your experience?, I am not saying the repeat does’t give us joy, it does, however it is not the same. There is something about the virginity of the unknown, which once broken can never get back to what is was. Conversations are like that, I have tried to relive many of my last conversations, trying to see if I can feel the emotion which I was going through, it just isn’t the same.

There is no escape from last conversations, reasons for these conversations being last may be many, some under our control and some out of ours. Apart from experiencing nostalgia I am wondering what purpose these memories serve?.

These people who once may have played a big part in our life, are just gone, they are not going to come back. They will not be able to “speak” to me the way they once could. So why bother about the last conversation?, shouldn’t we just let it go?

What good can those last words, or our thoughts on them do to us?

 

*********************************************************************

blast from the past

https://virtualrambling.wordpress.com/2010/05/03/in-spite/