Posted in Personal

I miss you

It has been three weeks since my world changed completely, I am yet to come to terms with it. Tears in my eyes betray me at their will now, and I have lost control over my own emotions. As I type this, tears are rolling down my cheeks.

39 years of wonderful memories, but all I can remember is his shaking yet unconscious head, which took a few sips of water from my hand and never moved again. Every time I close my eyes, I see my father’s head go up in flames and the black sooth forming on his neck.

Nothing can prepare you for the moment of you lighting your father’s pyre, and you will never go back to be the same person from before.

It has been three weeks, I have started to forget how my father smelt, I have started to forget how my name sounded in his voice. I miss him terribly.

ಎಷ್ಟು  ಬಾರಿ ನನ್ನ ಅಣ್ಣನ ತಟ್ಟೆಯಿಂದ ಅವರು ನನಗೆ ಊಟ ಮಾಡಿಸಿದ್ರು, ಈಗ ನನ್ನ ತಟ್ಟೆಯಿಂದ ಒಂದು ಹಿಡಿ ಅನ್ನ ಪಿಡ್ಚೆಕಟ್ಟಿ ದೊನ್ನೆಯೊಂದರಲ್ಲಿ ಕಾಗೆಗೆ ಇಡುವಾಗ ನನ್ನ ಕರಳು ಕಿತ್ತು ಬರುತ್ತಿದೆ. ನನ್ನ ಅಣ್ಣನಿಗೆ ಊಟ ದೊನ್ನೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ಇಡೋಹಾಗೆ ಆಗೋಯ್ತು. ನನ್ನ ಜೀವನದ ಬಲು ಕಷ್ಟವಾದ ಗಳಿಗೆಗಳಲ್ಲಿ ಇದು ಸೇರಿಕೊಂಡಿತು   

The word “anna” now stands retried from my vocabulary. Who shall I call “anna”?.

Everytime I look at his photo, I wish he just pops back into our lives. I have literally picked up what remained of his body and immersed them in the river. Yet, my heart does not seem to believe it.

Anna, You were the first person to whom I said cheers. I know I have to wait a few years to meet you one more time, and when I do, you will welcome me with the big smile of yours.Until then, in every step of my life, I will miss you “anna”.