Posted in "Body or Soul", "Theory of pursuit", Admiration, Dilemma, Kindred, Life, Moi, Personal, pure pursuit, Thoughts, thoughts to think

Lets get physical

After almost 10 years of married life, I have realized that apart from immense love and compatibility between couples, one of the mainstays of a happy married life is physical attraction between the couples. I am happy that I still am attracted to my wife physically, and this attraction adds joy to our married life.

Growing up, I have been used to associating guilt with physical attraction. I blame this one my conservative middle class mindset. There are many many ideologies which I am proud of, and I attribute them to conservative middle class upbringing, but I guess this is one of those few which are incorrect notions instilled in young adolescent minds, due to parents not being able to deal with their own attractions. I have always tried to highlight, my attractions to various things in the opposite sex, and none of them have been a lie, I have been attracted to strong oratory skills among women, I have been attracted to women who are bold and stand up to their arguments, I have been attracted to women with a good sense of humor. I have highlighted this in my conversations with my friends and family, I have spoken about these on my blogs. Even thought this is the truth, this is not the entire truth. I have always felt a sense of guilt, in feeling physically attracted to opposite sex, and admitting that. Apart from the feeling the guilt, I have looked down upon people who feel physically attracted or express the same, I have been made to believe this “looking down” is the acceptable norm, and we should morally stick to it. I have realized lately that this is an unhealthy mindset, and should be dealt appropriately from an young age. It is never late to correct one’s mindset, Isn’t it?

Now that I have openly admitted to feeling physical attraction, I want to debunk some of the myths on this subject.

Attraction is a trigger, and not an end. Physical attraction is associated with lust in many minds. Lust in itself is a huge topic, if it is a good or bad. However I don’t think physical attraction is to lust, whereas nonphysical attraction is to love, is a very incorrect association. When a bee gets attracted to a bright colored flower, isn’t that the most natural form of attraction?, so what if it is because of the color or smell of the flower?, is the bee wrong in getting attracted?. Does the bee lust the flower?.

Beauty in all forms, including physical is nature’s gift, and feeling attracted to whatever we fancy is not lust. It is an honest expression of a strong like to a certain subset of what our senses perceive.

Physical attraction does not always mean temptation. I am not sure why it is depicted in all media, especially films and newspaper that a physically attracted male is succumbing to the dark world of temptation. I have been attracted to many people physically after I have been married. To be honest, not even one of them turned out to be a temptation. It was a strong like to certain aspect, which happens to be physical in nature. To give you an example, I get easily impressed by dressing sense of people, especially choice of colors. I think pastel colors like peach, light yellow, pearl white, light rust etc are so pleasing to the eyes that women who wear such colors seem attractive to my eyes. I will always notice the color of people’s clothes and how they carry those colors. One might argue, dressing sense is not a physical attraction, I would argue why not?, should physical attraction be limited to shape of a human body? Or some parts of it?. I am not saying being attracted to that is temptation or bad, its just not a complete definition of physical attraction. If I ever was attraction to human body, which I have been, I feel it is completely natural and nothing wrong with it. I wouldn’t have admitted this a few years ago, I guess age has made me bolder, or may be more truthful.

When poets write at lengths about their admiration for loved ones, the society does not frown upon them, they are not termed indecent. When an young adult admires a classmate’s essay, it is not considered bad, however if he admires classmate’s eye, it is frowned upon. It is considered inappropriate for students. It is not just considered bad by teachers and parents, even the peers make fun of the young mind. What’s wrong in admiring something you get attracted to?. Isn’t that natural?. I am not saying all natural thoughts should be expressed in raw form without the norms of a society, but a sense of shame and guilt instilled for something as pure as physical attraction, is not a fair thing to do. The time I was that age, it was even worse for women. I don’t even know their take on this matter. It must be even more difficult for them to express their attractions. I have heard the times have changed, and young boys and girls growing up in India, these days are more liberal about these things. I would love to hear from someone that age, how today’s youth deals with such topic.

When we walk into a room full of people, what attracts you most physically to a people?. To me, it’s their choice of colors and dressing sense, secondly its their perfume. A whiff of a good perfume always makes my head turn. Sadly, the perfume is associated more and more with seduction. I believe that each of us have our own aroma, and only a few have the skill of enhancing it with just the right dash of perfumes, and at the right regions of their bodies. I have an acute sense of smell, and I get easily drawn to people with good choice of perfumes. Would I call it, I get seduced by them?. Definitely not. I don’t get seduced, I get attracted. Physical attraction is not means to seduce someone, or get seduced. It can be used as a bait, I agree, however not every worm is a bait, or not every fish falls for one.

Lastly when it comes to be crude bodily physical attraction, I have to admit I have been there, done that. But just the fact that I used the word “crude bodily physical attraction” shows how prejudiced this is. My heart says there is nothing wrong with it, it is natural and all of us go through it, there is nothing wrong in admiration of human body, getting attracted by it. My head says, this is just your way of justifying one’s weakness. When did physical attraction become weakness our head?

I would love to hear more from you guys, people growing up with different mindsets, different gender, different country, thoughts are welcome.

Posted in "Theory of pursuit", Admiration, Kindred, Life, Moi, Personal, Randomness, Realité, thème, Thoughts, thoughts to think

An enchanting window.

Whenever I stood next to it, I felt the power creep into me. Who does not enjoy being powerful?, I did enjoy it too. I love the fact that, standing right at my home, beside this powerful tool, the window, I can get see and observe lives of many people right at my doorstep.  I can actually hear some of them too. As my gaze goes far, I still get to observe people, even though I may not get to comprehend them well. Farther down, even though I can’t see or hear them, I get a whiff of their lives. I get to see both the good and the bad, I get to hear both music and noise as mere sounds. I get to experience the smells without having to look for the aroma. I like the power of an open window.

Our bodies and minds have this amazing capabilities of recognizing patterns, and mapping them. You automatically start brushing your teeth when you stand in front of your sink in the morning, or your nose starts sniffing for fresh coffee early in the morning as you walk past your kitchen. When I started living along, my mind developed this acute sense of feeling raw emotions when I stood at my window. For a person who is not so comfortable showing emotions, smiles and tears did not shy from showing up when I stood at my living room window. There was nothing magical about it, but still, enchanting it was. Complex emotions found their way into my expressions, without the fear, the guilt I usually associate with most of those emotions. I wondered if it showed, If I displayed?, If I presented. Oh wait!, I didn’t care anymore, I stood behind a window. Who cares what the outside people saw.

Have you ever lived in a room with thin walls, you can exactly hear whats going on with your neighbors, you just didn’t show it. You heard all their words, without listening. You learn to pretend without being pretentious. To be honest, the window ignited the naturist in me to be stark naked, without having to cover my insecurities, without having to care for the voyeurs lurking in the dark. I was not an exhibitionist, but a pure naturist. I enjoyed having the control of closing the drapes when I want, and living it open when I feel.

Near the window, I made up my own rules, whenever I felt like it, I broke them too, I didn’t have anyone to answer to, more importantly I didn’t have me to question. A long standing rule, was about me, not sitting near the windows. I always stood there. I like to have my eyesight level with the windows, I did not want to look upto it. It was my equal, it was my mate. I liked the sweet pain in my legs when I spent long hours with it, it was worth the pain. It deserved the respect of me standing up to it.

Dimensioning one’s gain is very difficult, especially when the gain is not materialistic. My window had both the lovely dimensions, space and time. I have observed the constant space over a varying time, I have seen the same front yard from my window for ages now. The color of seasons, have changed and repeated, people have often stood, gone and returned, the constant tree has withered and greened up. When I have moved places, I have seen the constant time with varying space, the windows have changed, I have observed how my new courtyard reacted to the same seasons, how new people have come reacted to exact same stimulus. How each one of them have left a mark in me with their reactions, even though they are not aware of me watching them acutely.

Its not like my window has always remained open, or I have always been besides it. However I have found great comfort in seeing life, and being seen. I have enjoyed being leered by perverts, and admired by prophets with equal nonchalance.

As I close the drapes on this post, I cant help but enjoy my ramblings at my window, albeit virtual.

Posted in Admiration, Kindred, Life, Memories, Moi, Nostalgia, Personal, Thoughts, thoughts to think

The Last Conversation

I have been listening to a lot of TED talks lately during my morning walks. I was struck by one of the speakers recently who spoke about last conversations. He was talking about how people feel when they realize that the conversations they have had was the last one with that particular person. It is not similar to how would I live life if this was my last day, its more of a realization rather than reaction. This aspect of the talk got me thinking about many of my last conversations. That friend who disappeared, friends for whom I disappeared, people dear to me who are now stars in the sky, a special someone who knew our fate all along, blogworld people who have vanished. I have realized how unknowingly I have had my last conversation with so many of my dear ones. In many a cases, I don’t even remember what we spoke about, if we enjoyed our conversation, or if it is of any significance. In retrospect, when I realize that was our last conversation, a kind of a lump sets in my throat.

A conversation is not just about words isn’t it?, there is so much more to a conversation then the mere words, to begin with there is the voice, the persona, the smell of the person, the warmth of the unspoken words between people, the touch of intimacy amongst people involved, and many more senses which come into play when two people converse. The last conversation, invariably means that we have had last of the experience of all these senses.

Think of a book or a movie which you have loved, that one which spoke to you, when you try to reread that book or watch the movie again, don’t you realize a difference in your experience?, I am not saying the repeat does’t give us joy, it does, however it is not the same. There is something about the virginity of the unknown, which once broken can never get back to what is was. Conversations are like that, I have tried to relive many of my last conversations, trying to see if I can feel the emotion which I was going through, it just isn’t the same.

There is no escape from last conversations, reasons for these conversations being last may be many, some under our control and some out of ours. Apart from experiencing nostalgia I am wondering what purpose these memories serve?.

These people who once may have played a big part in our life, are just gone, they are not going to come back. They will not be able to “speak” to me the way they once could. So why bother about the last conversation?, shouldn’t we just let it go?

What good can those last words, or our thoughts on them do to us?



blast from the past


Posted in Admiration, Life, Memories, Nostalgia, Personal, Relationships

A bad start

“The steel door of the incinerator went up and the muted hum of the eternal fire became a red roaring. The heat lunged out at them like a famished beast . Then Rahel’s Ammu was fed to it. Her hair, her skin, her smile,. Her voice. The way she used Kipling to love her children before putting them to bed: Her good night kiss. The way she held their faces steady with one hand while she parted and combed their hair with the other. They she held knickers out of Rahel to climb into. Left leg, right leg. All this was fed to the beast, and it was satisfied.”

It was Janurary 1st 2009, and I was sitting at the Bangalore railway station when I read this paragraph from the booker prize winning novel “The god of small things” by Arundhati Roy. I am a little embarrassed to admit, that sitting there amidst a big crowd, my eyes became totally wet, and I had to literally go walk upto the coffee vendor, buy myself a cup of coffee to take my mind away from this one.

6 hours later, I came to know that one of my uncle passed away that day. I had just reached Chennai on some work, and I heard from my dad that he was no more. The new year had devoured one of my dear ones.

My uncle failed to clear his 10th grade exam, even after several attempts, but he had the best engineering mind I have ever seen, he could repair any damn electronic/electrical item, all he needed was some time and a screw driver to get it open. He has repaired so many of our household appliances. All this without even any formal knowledge on the subject.

Last time I saw him, he recognized me instinctively, even though he was diagnosed with a brain tuberculosis, which made it hard for him to remember things, and also recognize people, but having seen him smartly dressed, riding his heavy rajdooth bike for years, seeing him lie with life supporting system was one of the most painful sights for me.

Today he is no more, and the worst part is that, I couldn’t even look at his face before the last rites were performed. Work/Job has robbed me of many moments, but this one, I would never forget, just a day away from the city, and I cannot look at his face for ever.

To me he will always be the guy, who at 64 years of age, decided to attend classes to learn how to repair a mobile phone, I cannot imagine myself being half enthusiastic as him.

I was speaking to my cousin today,[ his son ], he told me that, however logical we think death is, and how ever practical we are, even after knowing he would not leave longer because of his health problem, even after knowing it would be another few months max, still there was something called as hope. When we put the body in, and close the furnace door, then come out , and that is when even after being educated, knowing everything, you cannot control yourself, knowing that is the last you will get to see his face, and all we got to do is go home. That was the worst we got to feel.

Hearing my cousin speak these words, invariably my thoughts went back to the passage I read on the day my uncle passed away, unknowingly somewhere he was leaving us.

Posted in "Theory of pursuit", Admiration, Kindred, Moi, Personal, Realité, Uncategorized

The J talk

As a kid when I passed by an icecream shop I was drawn to it, I wanted one cone, I never felt bad that I wanted something, I have never dismissed my wants, I have always wanted them passionately, and I have never dismissed my passion, infact I have been proud of my passion for things. But passion can easily grow into envy and then to jealousy. Traditionally both envy and jealousy have been termed bad, people are told be beware of those to feelings, and told to guard themselves away from them.

Theoretically I agree that jealousy is an extreme feeling, and generally harm people who get into it. But isn’t jealousy a very common emotion?, just like you feel happy/sad/angry naturally, you also feel jealous too isn’t it?. If you guys have much self control over emotions that you have never envied anything/anyone than may be I am a very less of a human being. I do envy things, I do envy people, and sometimes I do feel jealous.

As a man in his quarter life, I am on the look our for many things, yep I finally have broken out from the quarter life crisis, not knowing what I want, suddenly things I want seem to be falling into place. I am no saint, I have materialistic things on my list to work for, and also non materialistic things. So now that I know what I want, I am working towards them, some with immediate actions, some with a plan, and some just waiting to have in future. These things amazingly prioritize themselves too, I mean some I seem to want a lot more, and hoping that they happen somehow, and most of them fall into the last category, I mean my wants for the future, which directly I may not have control over, and some which I can do my efforts and have no control on the outcome. Some are really materialistic, and I am surprised I want to have them because there was a time I loathed people who went after them

Over last few months, one of such wants is making me envious. I do not have the word power to express what is it that’s making me envy some, infact every time I get the feeling I am feeling a little bit of envy, I am unknowingly getting disgusted at myself, and driving me out of the scene, making sure I don’t get to listen/view or discuss the matter, and the sad part is that people involved, even though they do not know about it, secretly I have a fear that I may begin to dislike them, like the way its illustrated in all possible media, the rift formed by envy/jealousy. I fear what If I get into that groove.

Jealousy is always considered to be self centric, a selfish act which helps no one, but if you do not think about the extremes, it does help people to work with a better zeal towards the goal, when I grew envious of the kid who used to top the class always, I struggled for 3 full years to topple her at the top. It has not always been bad to me, and I know that, but then why do I fear now?, why am I afraid of my envy?.

When the thought of writing something on my jealousy came up first thing I did was to look up at wikipedia. And I was surprised at their definition and also their distinction between envy and jealousy
Jealousy : “Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival
Envy:“Envy may be defined as an emotion that “occurs when a person lacks another’s superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it.
“Jealousy concerns something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy concerns something one does not have and either he wants to acquire (nonmalicious envy) or he wants the other(s) not to have (malicious envy)”

After going through this I realize, I have never used the word properly, may be going by this definition I am not jealous, I may be lot more envious.

As usual I am left with a lot of questions at the end.
Is a feeling of envy/jealous normal?,

Is it normal if you end up feeling a little envious about things you want badly for you?,

Does it always indicate desperation?,

Does one need to panic when he feels he is feeling a little envy,?

How does one get himself out of it?, is avoiding a good solution for it, if at all this is a problem?,

Do you feel envy/jealous at times?.

Posted in "Theory of pursuit", Admiration, Moi, Personal

Hope, and a little smile

Smiling faces attract me. its very easy to appear beautiful, not just to me, but many others like me, all one needs to do, is smile. Smiles of any kind are attractive, the shy one, the reluctant one, the one on verge of a laughter, a highly controlled one, any type for that matter. I just can’t resist a smiling face.

I have about 30 minutes in the morning, between getting ready for work, and actually leaving for work. The 30 minutes are reserved for having my breakfast and a morning cup of my tea, while I am having my breakfast, I sneak in 30 minutes of Television. As my evenings go in either calls, or reading/writing blogs, the only time I get to watch television are 30 minutes in the morning, I need to cram in couple of cartoons, and some Kannada songs on U2, and some hindi ones on any music channel. Now in between while surfing, I generally lookup movies playing on TV, and do get to watch few minutes if the movie interests me. I got to watch few minutes of the movie mili on Wednesday, I have seen it earlier, but I had always dismissed the movie with an opinion that it’s a imitation of “anand” one of my all time favorite movie. Both the movies are about a person suffering from cancer, and their journey towards their death.

As I was watching the movie, there was one scene, when the patient is down with fever and almost in final stages of her life. One can see the heavy dark bags below the eyes, the face is almost down, and once very enthusiastic mili is very dull and quiet. That’s when she sees the leading actor Amitabh walk in to her room, and her face instantaneously picks up and she smiles. I have to admit, I just loved the scene, its so natural, and one can genuinely spot happiness on her face, even in desperate situation, the smile of hope is something a class about the ones I mentioned at the beginning of the post. The hope evident in the smile was highly impacting on me, I must admit I was kind of floored, I liked the scene very much.

What is it about hope that makes it so wonderful?. Being hopeful in this world is pretty difficult, I mean with so much of darkness around even hoping for a ray looks foolish, but not everyone has lost hope isn’t it?, I see many a hopeful faces around, I see them smiling, and believe me there is no one more beautiful than these smiling ones.

Posted in Admiration

Idol Worship is not always about GOD

Just some time ago, was telling a friend that most my posts are depressing because I feel like writing only when I am depressed. So for a change I thought let me blog, when I am happy..

There have been some reasons to be happy in recent past. Firstly 2006 ended greatly, No I didn’t have a blast, Some things did happen which made me happy, And then some things work wise also made me happy over the first week in 2007. Did have a nice weekend too. Did things I like, read some movie reviews, couple of books reviews, wrote a poem, watched some things I like, hung out with cousin. and had a loooooong chat with a friend.

Beauty about this mind, is that it works differently for different people. The opinion one has is very personal, and does have a great influence on others opinion, Hmm. a little lost here.But everyone has their own perspective, and more the people you know, more knowledge they give you. Its amazing how people who are just brought up in the same society can have so contrasting and beautiful opinion about things.

The problem however is lack of communication and interest in each others ideas. But did get a new perspective here, saying people might be busy. And then I realized the priorities in life differ. And One mans interest may be other mans boredom. But there are enough people in the world with similar interests. And it is a matter of time for me to find some.

There are leaders and then there are followers. But there are some more who are admirers. I think I am the 3rd category. I have always admired people. I don’t want to call it inferiority complex, Cause I have never felt inferior, But I always felt that some people are good at something, and I always tried to learn that from them. I am a little selfish here. I feel my admiration is mainly a means for me to learn what they are good at. But many times I feel they are really good.

Admiration has been in at a personal level, and don’t want to mention the names. But As a student I admired a lot of my peers. I made it a point to learn from them.. But intent was Marks. Later They became good friends and the intent vanished Admiration remained. Well bad reason but good result in the end.

So admiration continued at work. At one point I mentally prepared a list of things I admired in each one in the team and developed a little of those things. I never felt inferior though, and not even close to jealous.

As I speak of admiration, There are a huge list of things I have admired in fantasy, may not got chance to talk to them in reality, at least not in all cases. But Admired nevertheless.

1. Dedication to work: Prostitutes. Really its tough to dedicate yourselves to something which you don’t believe in but circumstances has pushed you towards it.
2. Seriousness towards life: child labour. They really work passionately for a little food, and their concern towards their parents
3. Happiness: People at old age homes. I never see them sad, Anybody can be happy with lot of money and youth behind themselves.
4. Fighting Spirit: Indian cricket team: Kidding…
terminally ill patients. You never want to fight a lost battle, But they do.

But lastly, I have always admired one thing. In fact I always wondered why dint I get a friend of this kind. I would love to talk to..

5:Courage: Single mom, Do I have to say anything. Single moms/dads have always been a lot of inspiration to me. I am not sure why on earth I feel this way but. They are really great.
The sacrifice and compromise, that too for something which may not even be in a state to realize how lucky and grateful it is towards them.