Posted in Life, Marriage

Vacation

He dreaded the routine that was awaiting him, this being the last day of their vacation
The number of days she would take, to overcome the guilt of an expensive vacation occupied her mind
As the sheets slid from her face, revealing the slightest hint of a smile, his face lit up

Posted in "Theory of pursuit", Kindred, Life, Marriage

A snug fit

If we were to partition what we need/want from people/relationships into various partitions, Into how many of them does one’s spouse fit into?. Into how many of them do others walk in?, Into how many of them do we let others walk in?.

Should one be happy if the spouse fits into many of these partitions?.
Should one be happy if they dont, and he/she can add many others who fit in naturally into these?.
Should one try to alter the spouse by changing their interests and outlook to be able to fit into more of these partitions?.
Should one be happy letting them fit only into those, where they fit naturally?.

Posted in Marriage

On the other side.

Ah! my stomach hurts
Phew! the breakfast today sucks. I want something else
Mom, students are picking on me at school, I wont go to school from now on.
I didn’t sleep well last night, and now my head hurts, do something about it.
Damn!, No power since morning, and we have the cricket match today. Why can’t you give a complaint to KEB
Why does grandmother have to worry about how late I take bath, would you please tell her not to bother.
The waiter has served a coffee which is cold, why can’t you shout at him,
The sheets are dirty and the lunch served is not hot, how can they get away with such service.

Yes, yes. I know you all get the idea. I have listed a bunch of complaints and cribs I used to have. Isn’t it fun complaining?. For a long long time, I have been complaining, to my dad, to my mom. Its almost mechanical, for children to complain to parents. As a child, what I did not notice, was that, it was mechanical for my mom also to complain to my dad. So where does that leave my dad?, who does he complain to?.

Marriage changes our life in many ways, some good and some bad. Its always fun to complain, as long as you are the one who is complaining. [The last part of that has been a more recent realization]. Today when my wife complains to me, I realize how it feels to be complained to, how helpless it makes us feel at times, how irritated we get when the problems are trivial [in my point of view], how frustrated we get when the solutions is not accepted by the complainer, how foolish it feels when the complainer is not even up for solving the problem.

Sometimes I listen to my wife complain, and my mind is shouting back at me. “Hold on, I don’t want to listen, I want to be the one who complains. No, not you, you don’t get to complain to me, I am the one who has the privilege”.

Complaints are mostly a way for us to vent our frustration, in many a cases we are fully aware of the fact that, the other person has absolutely no way of solving the problem. Unfortunately a person who hears the complaint, does not see it in the same light. He is obligated to solve the problem, or dismiss the same. In both the cases listening to complaints lead to a whole lot of irritation

When I think about things in retrospect, everything makes so much more sense. However, in the moment, I just don’t want to listen, I want to escape, I want the other person to stop. The irritation just shows up clean and clear on my face.

I guess marriage needs me grown up in a whole lot of ways.

Until then, I still want to be the one who gets to complain.

Posted in Marriage, Thoughts, thoughts to think

To Guard or not to Guard

Its been a week since I posted, and I am actually feeling sad to have not blogged for a week. I am also happy, that I am feeling sad about not blogging, because over the last couple of years I had stopped feeling that. Anyhow..I will stop being happy/sad in spirals and continue with the post I guess.

One of these days I was wondering what should a man in his late twenties, one who has been single for a long time, change his conduct, mannerisms after his marriage.

Being unmarried gives us a lot of liberty, we don’t have really think before we strike up a conversation with opposite sex at the work place, or on the commute. Not just the conversation, even when someone beautiful and attractive passes by and catches your attention, the way your mind reacts, everything comes out natural.

When I got married, In the initial days I was very conscious about how I come across to people of opposite sex, I was conscious not to appear interested, and curb my natural tendency to mix humor in my talk. I don’t see a logic behind why I did that, but it just happened. During many a conversation, I used to remember half way through that I had forgotten about my guard. I have blogged many a times about how I do not get flirting, nor understand if anything I do appears to be flirting. So may be my mind was putting down a guard to make sure I don’t flirt.

When someone appears attractive to you, or when their persona strikes you, its normal tendency to want to talk to them, or get to know them. Not all those attraction have romantic interests. In fact most of them have no romantic interests. But how does one change his/her outlook towards this subject after being married. More importantly should one change his outlook?.

The virtual life is a whole new ball game. Anybody who reads my blogs can see, almost all of my readers are women. In fact I did a poll too as to why it is so. Since I have a habit of exchanging comments on the blog and also with some of the old blogger friends on the gtalk, I end up chatting with a lot of women. Well, Now that my online time is so limited, it might have gone down drastically but still. I was chatting with an old blogger friend yesterday, and was feeling so conscious about what I speak. I met this person on gtalk after ages, and I was finding uneasy about my self censorship. Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing even close to romance or attraction of any kind involved, but then its just kind of odd.

Should a man guard himself after being married
So how much should a man guard himself after marriage, where to draw the line, or should there be a line in the first place
Am I just going nuts about something which is blown totally out of proportion [I have been guilty of exaggerating things :)]

Posted in Life, Marriage

Storm

Sparks went flying as the lightening struck the sky

A moment, and it was gone,

Thunders were silenced,

That which began like a storm,

had now trickled into a drizzle.

They lay next to each other half naked,

each blaming the other,

for the storm that never came.

Posted in Life, Marriage, Thoughts, thoughts to think

A Weekend Marriage

People have redefined “work” in India today, for a commoner it’s no longer a job which pays for his life. It has become his life. People are no longer satisfied with jobs, they want careers. Job security, instability of money, raising costs, and ambition have made people take work very seriously. People are enjoying benefits of professionalism and extreme focus. No wonder India is on a raise in the global map.

The question is , “at what cost”.

Being an ambitious career oriented person, I have seen how many aspects of my life are being ignored because of work, when I am swamped with work I have no time and when I have some time off work, all I want to do is relax. I shouldn’t be complaining though, or atleast the credit to my bank at the end of every month tempts me not to complain.

Any relationship in todays India, has to go through the influence from this ‘work’ hysteria, and marriages are the most affected.

Considering both me and my wife are cubeland dwellers, there are many a days where I have been left wondering, what happens to marriage on weekdays. Running to work early in the morning, leaves just time enough for breakfast. Running back from work to get into calls and discussions leaves me with no time to talk to my wife. My wife on the other hand comes home way after I get in, and the poor soul has about an hour before her eyes close involuntarily. Many a days we literally have no common time when we can make a conversation, let alone a meaningful one. When we have time for a conversation, neither of us are in a mental state to make a decent conversation.
When my mind is beaming with thoughts and ideas, I see she is down with her own work pressures. When she comes home all excited to talk about something, she finds me on call. I have seen the disappointment on her face when such a thing happens. But there is no way out.

Weekdays are just mechanical function of time, with each of us engulfed in our own space.

Weekends are the only time when we can actually realize we are married, and we have a married life between us, or rather we have a life. When I used to read such articles in print, I used to think of it as an exaggerated piece from people who want to crib about everything, but now I totally get the idea/reason behind DINK couples. When we have no time for our spouses how can we muster time for kids?. There have been weeks, where I have realized I haven’t had a conversation with my wife other than answering her questions and  vice versa.

This makes me wonder, in today’s India, are we all part of a weekend marriage.

Answers and Questions

One my friends had an interesting post over here. She had a question which every married couple would have had at one point of their marriage, why does one need to have kids?. Its a very common and a simple question right?, it did make me think hard, and I actually had to struggle because I haven’t thought on that subject before, I didn’t have an opinion on that too, I ended up having a conversation with myself of possible answers and counter questions, here’s what I thought.

Why should we have kids?

A: What if our parents had thought on the same lines? we wouldnt be here right?.

Q: I wouldnt be here, so what?, not that I made a noticeable difference to the world. Some people have had a great impact on the world, but how common are such people?, would it really harm if I weren’t born?.

A: We would need kids to support us in the old age.

Q: we always want our children to have the best of the things, that would mean we would want them to pursue whatever they like and is beneficial to them, how often does this result in them moving to far off places, will they really be capable to take care of us?, Considering the number of people who do not really care about their parents, this would sound like too optimistic a reason to have kids

A: We need kids to keep our family name and family alive

Q: Sorry I am neither a TATA, nor a Ambani that my family name/fame/wealth will get strangled if I dont have a kid, infact there are enough people in my family to take it forward.

A: As a couple we are expected to

Q: As a person there is a lot of expectation from me, would I end up satisfying all of them?, wouldn’t I choose only those I feel like doing?, so why is this so special?

A: Its the natural next step after marriage.

Q:If I had married thinking marriage is the natural next step after job, this answer would have been valid

A: This is just a side effect of a pleasure activity

Q: Come on we are advanced enough to counter the side effect.

A:I like kids

Q: This probably makes a little sense. I love kids, I like being with them, playing taking care, all activities about kids appeal to me, I wish I had a kid of my own. If you have ever thought on above lines I guess you probably have a right reason to have kids, but still I have question that just loving kids may not be the only reason why one should have them.

Having said all this, I think this is why I[rambler] would like to have kids somewhere. When I got married I had a feeling that I would like the relationship I am getting into, and such an intimate one would surely provide me happiness. Quest for happiness is the sole reason behind almost everything we do. So kids too would be for the same reason. I would like to have a kid because I think they would make me happy. I know there are numerous sorrows and risks possible because of kids, but then don’t we all take risks for sake of happiness?.

Every role we play help in our growth as an individual, and I think being a parent is the ultimate teacher. Being responsible for someone scares the shit out of us, but then we also take challenges and learn our way through it. Just like we have grown a lot over our relationships with our parents, wife, friends etc, kids to provide a tremendous growth.  I have a feeling they are going to leave us richer, in terms of knowledge and emotions.

Of course we all have to be ready before we plunge into decisions, and not everyone would feel the same as me about kids. But there is one think which I am sure everyone would agree. The reason to have a kid, should never be that someone wants you to have one, even when that someone is your own parent.

Posted in Life, Marriage, Thoughts, thoughts to think

Stop the criticism

For ages together, people seem to fail to notice difference between “wedding” and a “marriage”. One is a ceremony other an institution. One of the main reasons for this confusion may be the fact that, in many of Indian languages there is a single word for both of the above things. So when someone is criticizing an elaborate wedding, they end up using the word marriage.
I agree with the opinion that many of the weddings these days are about showing off, and is a place for gossip mongers, however I do not agree that marriage is such a thing, its not a place to be showing off, or doing any sort of a gossip.
There have been many a discussions about rituals associated with a wedding, and their significance. Even though I am not a big fan of following rituals blindly, I do have an opinion that many of them had a meaning and were relevant at certain period of time. Anyways ritualism is not the aim of this post. I do not think when it comes to “marriage” there is any place for showing off, gossip, finding fault with each other. I know one or more of the above mistakes are pretty common in many marriages, but this can happen in any relationship between a man and a woman, you don’t need to be married to face such issues. It depends on the individuals involved to keep them out of the marriage, just like in any relationship

When two people decide to spend their lives together without having to go through a marriage, its their choice. I do not think, there is anything wrong with it. Just like living together is a way of life, marriage too is an institution which has its own set of meanings, advantages, concerns, cons etc. One cannot dismiss marriage as a useless thing, just because they do not want to be part of it. Marriage might be one of the relationship which has been widely accepted by society, but that does not mean that society is the only reason one needs to get married. Marriage is way of stating one’s commitment to each other, establishing a stable environment for each other to co-depend, co-exist, and grow both individually and as a couple. The important thing here is “co”. If a couple choose to do this without actually getting ‘married’, its absolutely fine, I would be happy for them. But one cannot make a common statement that, all people who get married are for the sake of society, or that all marriages are like having a heavy chain worn across your neck. If you have this opinion, then either you have no clue what the marriage is, or your idea of a marriage is based mainly on the mindless episodes shown on TV.

Another major argument against marriage for years has been that of the loss of freedom. People go hours together how one looses freedom in a marriage. Firstly I would like to know how would one define freedom?. Is it ability to do whatever we want, whenever we want?. I strongly disagree, if that were to be the definition of freedom.
When a child is born, parents take care of their children; teachers make sure the kids learn the right values; relatives, friends and family guide them in matters of importance. In doing so, because of care, concern and shear experience, there are many a cases when a child is not allowed to do what it wants, does it mean it has no freedom?.
Freedom should not be defined as ability to do whatever we want to do, it should be defined as privilege of doing what we want to do, considering both the short and long term consequences of the act both on the self, and people around. Here is where the experience and society comes in. Not every individual has the capacity or ability to think of all possible consequences of their act on themselves, let alone on others around them. Here is where the experience matters, age, society, variety, etc can help in contributing to one’s choice of action. In doing so indirectly making sure freedom is being used appropriately.
I agree not everything, society/elders say is valid, but I do not agree that all the things they say is invalid. At a point of time, I might not be in a position to comprehend the reasons or the logic behind a particular rule [I would prefer to say ideology], but each of us have been given education, experience and ability to analyze and accept and reject things which come our way. It is the society collectively which provides us with this ability.
Coming back to marriage resulting into loss of freedom. What makes us believe such a thing wouldn’t happen in companionship without marriage. How many boy/girls are guilty of being possessive of their girlfriends/boyfriends and restricting their activities, how many people can be found guilty of tracking each and every movement of their partners.

So what if you are answerable to your spouse after marriage?, whats wrong with it?. Why is it considered to be a loss of freedom?.
Wouldn’t you feel great, when your spouse takes care of your things, helps you out in many a things, and you return by helping him/her out when a need arises.
Isn’t concern a valid emotion?, I do agree that there are possibilities of everything going overboard resulting in lack of peace. But how is that exclusive to marriage?. Finally it all boils down to individuals, both inside or outside a marriage.

I guess just because one does not find a need for marriage, doesn’t mean that marriage can be dismissed.
If one can attain the sanctity of a marriage outside it, or chooses not to attain the same, there is nothing wrong with it. But by doing so, I do not think they get to dismiss the institution of marriage.

DISCLAIMER:

I recently read a post by a fellow blogger whom, I also know in person. After reading the post, I ended up disagreeing to so many parts of the post, but I had a feeling that he/she would be defended if I were to post them over there. I really want to think over my response but not post them as a comment, hence decided to do a post over here. I usually tag the original post, but this time I am choosing not to tag the original post as I don’t want this post to appear as my criticism of the original post or the author.”

Posted in Marriage, Questions N Answers

What do you do?

When you are given a problem, what do you do?.

a. Try to solve the problem to the best of your ability.

b. Try to ignore the problem.

c. Try to listen to the problem, and ask questions to make sure you understand the problem fully.

d. Try to listen to the problem, ask no questions, offer no solution, do all this while not ignoring the problem.

 

All you engineers out there, if you thought answer is a combination of a & c, you are wrong.

If you don’t agree, ask your wife.

Posted in Life, Marriage, Thoughts, thoughts to think

So What?

Today I am a married man, a happily married man. I have begun to enjoy my life more, I have actually started to begin and end days on a happy note, quite surprisingly I have partially reduced my anger, and more surprisingly, I think very little, of work when I am home, I even forget really interesting issues at work, once my wife comes home, which I thought, would never happen.

I am happy, but the question that seem to hog my mind these days is that, I am happy, so what?, Is this what my life about?, do I need to continue till my nth day, to sustain this happiness?.

Maybe I am thinking about these things because In a way I have been blessed and not to have to survive, if you know what I mean. May be when humans are put in a struggle to survive, and have a ‘burden’ to feed themselves and their kin, they do not think much as to why they have to live. The task in hand is too demanding to even think about the purpose of life. I guess living in itself becomes a purpose for life.

Coming back to my problem of why should one live. The next question I put myself through, was why now?, why am I thinking of the reason for human to live now, what has changed. I was too busy to even think about these things as a student, I guess we all have tasks cut out for us, good school, high marks, good professional seat, a good paying safe job. We have a list of achievements, or rather tree of achievements all cut out for us. I don’t think i ever asked myself before preparing for my exams, as to so what if I get great marks, so what If I get a good job. It was something which had become a necessity by default.

Now I could think of newer achievements which could excite me. Well I am sure they will excite me, as I can think of a bunch of achievements which are already making a beeline in my mind right now. But every achievement the question is going stronger in mind. Ok I achieve them, I will struggle to achieve them for another few months, few years, few decades. I am super excited to even attempt them, and then to achieve them if possible, but then so what?, are these achievements just to pass time as I live along?.

Important thing in life is to stretch yourself beyond our potential, there by increasing our potential. We can always curb our growth by setting smaller goals, we can expand our universe by stretching a bit at a time, and it can astound you how much our potential has potential to expand.
I have bunch of goals, there is no lacking in that department, and I have both materialistic, not materialistic, diversified goals.
I want to own a house, I have this goal from a long time
I want to start running, waking up early like the way I used to
I want to learn sandhya vandane, as I never got chance to learn it
I want to learn a new language
I want to this
I want to that
but then I achieve them, so what, I dont see the big picture, why should I get to my goal, if and when I do get, what do I get?, I get satisfaction, I get happiness, so what?, I will move onto newer goals, but what did I gain from it?. Maybe experience, but then whats the gain from the experience.

One of the biggest questions in my mind right now is about family. Ok We are a couple without a kid right now, I see many couples around me with kids, or planning for one. Parents working hard for their kids future, for their education, for their day to day being. I fail to see a point in raising a family, at the end of all family life so what, why should I go through all of it. It just baffles me.

I tend to see people for whom life is just a routine, marriage family, work retirement and death, I don’t see any point in all this, I don’t see a purpose to live in a routine life as I mentioned above.

More lately I have developed a sense of “been there, done that, what next” syndrome. I do know that life is full of surprises, and we get to deal with unexpected at every step, they do end up being pleasant sometimes, not so pleasant other times, but nevertheless they are challenges one will get to face in a boring routine life, but then what if the surprises fail to excite you any more, as everything appears to be a function of time, with time you just come out of these challenges either victorious or failures, only constant result of these challenges is that you would have spent more time left in your life to live.

I was very curious to explore one aspect of life, that’s the relationship part of it, I had and still have many ideas and expectations from my relationship, some fulfilled, some to be worked for, but one realization has been that, its the not ultimate, it does form an important role in your life, and adds one more person for whom you are responsible for, your life is responsible for. But again relationship fails to answer my questions of why, it adds more happiness to life, and surprises.

I can choose to come out of my comfort zone, go find a new job, try to keep myself busy, and I am damn sure I would struggle out of my skin to reach the current comfort in the new job, in the meantime learning newer skills and knowledge. I can start right away to prepare for interviews, and go all out to screw up a comfortable, good paying job I already have, for a better paying one. I am sure that would keep me occupied for next few years.

Only question is, should I do it, only to ‘pass’ next few years in my life?, should I do it for the thrill and excitement?, for happiness? for satisfaction?…

Any and all of those are yet to prove their point in my life.

I can’t seem to stop asking myself, “so, what”?.

Oh btw, I asked these questions to my wife, and am sure she thought I was drunk…