Category Archives: Moi

Rebellious grin

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Dreams are what keeps you up, he was told

You don’t need coffee to pump you up, he was told

There is no shortcuts to hard work, he was told

Winning should be fun, he was told

Studying hard cannot backfire, he was told

A good (earning) job is a great accomplishment, he was told

You don’t need coffee to pump you up, he was told

Dreams are what keeps you up, he was told

He woke up, Ah! Freshly brewed coffee, he smiled in bliss.

 

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Mind Capsule on my 37th birthday

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On my 37th birthday, I want to leave a note to myself, that which I can visit in later part of my life. It is never later to leave a note to yourself, it is not a necessity either.

When I look back at myself of today, I think I have changed some, more mentally than physically, or may be that change is the one that matters. I may want to visit my mind of today, when it has become that of the tomorrow, as today, what all would I give to visit that of yesterday. It is almost like a time capsule of my mind, for me to come back to, whenever I think I have travelled way too ahead.

  • It is okay, that you dont enjoy the relationships in the same way, that you enjoyed with the same people a while ago. They grew, you grew, and the world did too.
  • Abandoning things which you no longer enjoy is perfectly fine, intact it is not just fine, but really good. It does not matter, how much you have enjoyed it at one point of time, what matters is that you no longer do.
  • Finding new people with whom you share common thoughts is going to be even more difficult than it already is. Infact meeting new people in general is a difficult thing, It is not that you are not going to ‘meet’ new people, believe me you are, much more than what you wish, however you will not ‘meet’ them.
  • When you hear about how universe is ever expanding and ever contracting, you did not think it mattered, but you know what, it did. You expanded over the years and contracted too, both figuratively and literally. So when you think that, you have become too stagnant, wait until you see yourself expand, before you know you would contract too. [Refer to a whole bunch of loose clothes in the boxes, and the old blog posts up here]
  • Theories of life are interesting, and you love to discover some. Trust me, they stop at being theories. Like all those statistics and surveys that dont make sense and do at the same time, the theories too will make sense and won’t, all along. What remains, is the journey of discovery, both of it and off it.
  • When it gets too familiar and boring, when you make that extra effort, in vain, to overcome your familiar familiarity, wait a bit more, in all probability you will fail. Familiarity is not that bad, it will help you soothe the novelty, and remind of the days you have craved for it.
  • Your taste in life change as fast as your taste in clothes. Greys turn into browns, watch them turn into bright red, and settle into earthy shades of olive and maroons. When you look back, I am sure you will spot the patterns, just the way you always do in everything, and trust me you are going to be one satisfied fellow for being able to spot them. You have seen it go beyond ‘Identiti’, experimented with the ‘Big dogs’, developed into a better ‘Wills lifestyle’, upgraded into the ‘United colours’, downgraded into an oblivion of un-brands, until you discovered the comforts of ‘ether’, well your dream is ‘life is good’.
  • Subjectivity drives life. What would you be if you were objective all your life, that is no fun. You are going to enjoy your reasoning, only when it can make a difference, if all it does is prove a fact, it is no fun. You might enjoy the decisiveness of being objective, but its boredom will kill its own joy.
  • Doing what you like is going to remain fun irrespective of what you are liking at the moment. If you have missed the point of the previous sentence, let me make it a little more explicit, it is about how you are going to change w.r.t what you like to do. You will move on from one to another, and even though you feel awful at first for not spending enough time on what you had once loved doing, you will realise it is not a big deal.
  • To sum it all, it is ok to get back to your exes, be it people who you have trusted, people who’s company you have enjoyed, activities you have loved, books you have sworn by, movies that you thought would never go out of fashion, or pure pleasures which you treasured indulging in. There will be a time and a reason which has lead you to outgrow them, but there will be a moment when you get to go back to them.

Passion

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I have always been passionate about my passions. I have almost believed that one does not like something good enough, if it does not turn into passion for it. I have also mentally measured people’s love towards something by a measure of their passion towards it. Observing my 5 year old deal with many things he is interested in, prompted me to rethink on my stand when it comes to passion. It is not the first time, that I have doubted my stance on this, there have been innumerable number of instances where I have seen my friends and family change their love for something or someone, and had always wondered if they are right in doing so, and If I am wrong in my expectations. Hopefully at the end of this, I will have fewer questions to ponder about when it comes to passion.
Unable to accept something, many a times indicate one’s one conservativeness when it comes to any topic. Speaking about my apprehensions about this topic, I began to think as to what I find hard to digest. I have seen many of my friends who have been very passionate towards a sport, towards a hobby, towards a particular job, or an area of study, all to an extent at which I can safely say, it was not just a ‘like’ but was a deep ‘passion’. I have seen them work hard towards it, enjoy it, be involved in it most of their waking and sleeping time, I have also seen them replace the same with an ease, in some cases over time, and in some cases with an equally occupying area of interest. I have always wondered, how can one grow out of passion from something which they have been into for such a long period of their life, from something which they have been attached so deeply, or were they?. I can somewhat understand in cases where a passion is replaced with another one, so intense that the previous one ends up eclipsed, may be it got replaced, but what about the case where a passion just goes kaput. Can it be like a river which goes dry living just the muddy trail behind, can this really happen?. I have seen it happen to many of my friends, even those who I know were deeply passionate about things they liked.
We know how ‘change’ is the only constant thing in this universe, we have seen people change, we have observed that we have changed too, then why is it difficult for me to comprehend that ‘passion’ could change too.?
Maybe one can really ‘compete’ his/her passion, experience and live a passion until it is exhausted, a goal reached, a work completed. However, I am not able to see how that can happen, I guess passion cannot be a goal, or it cannot have an end.
I wonder if passion is dependent on space and time, or is it constant. We have seen how passion changes with time, how it goes stronger over a period, how people get involved more and more, with absolute love for their passion. We have also seen how passion wanes in some case, how people just give up, which, once they were inseperable from. We have seen people take up passion when they are in a certain place, and once they come out of that place, they grow out of their passion too. If one’s passion is dependent on dimensions like space and time, was it really a true passion in the first place? It makes me wonder. Assuming it can wane with space or time, is it really possible to ditch a passion over space and time? Again if one is able to do it, was it a true passion in the first place.
Passion is not a monogamous affair, we are and people have been passionate about many things in parallel. What baffles me is, can one effectively chose between our passions. Is it imperative that when one is truly passionate, it ends up being monogamous.
It will be idiotic to believe that all likes end up being passions, but likes on their own are not pretty bad, in fact are they any less, just because they don’t reach levels of becoming a passion.?
All my thoughts on passion have been absolute and idealistic, however can they be qualitative, can they have a measure both in terms of quality and quantity, or is it a binary affair. What attributes does passion have? Just like we have love and lust, does passion have faces. Can passion be negative too, can it actually hamper the exoerience and enjoyment due to its intensity, can it become its own weakness.
I thought I will understand my stand better, I will have answers by end of this post, however it ended up with more question. I guess I now need to passionately look for answers.

 

Acceptance

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Acceptance, why is this so hard?.

Accept, you are stretching way too beyond your limit

Accept, relationships do not run without time

Accept, you are not a super man

Accept, kids don’t develop bonds without you being part of their childhood

Accept, spouse can only be as accommodative as they can

Accept, friendships loose zing, when you have nothing in common.

Accept, even your favourite hobbies don’t stay fun, if you don’t spend time on it

Accept, food does not taste good, if your mind is debugging a work related problem

Accept, slowing down IS an option.

It is out there to see, everyone else is able to see it, and yet, you refuse to accept. Is it the ego?, is it your way of fighting it, or is it just a way of looking away, with a hope that it would magically vanish when you turn back.

How much ever you day dream, going back in time is not an option. Acceptance is the only solution.

Damn you stupid logic!

One of the many starts

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Today must be a significant day, after close to 15 years on job a core file has not excited me.

Today must be a significant day, after a long time, I have felt an urge to write something on my blog

Today might be just another day, as I am at work staring at my laptop

You never know when a day can change from significance to oblivion.

‘My’ Voice

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How many times, has an event sprung a realization of an odd kind? I would say not so often. Just the other day, I was watching a cousin of mine on stage, and it struck me that it has been such a long time since I have held a mike. I think the last time must be in my high school. Even back then, speaking on mike never came easily to me, I had to force myself to get my inhibitions off, and just say what I got to tell. I remember participating in debates and dreading to speak up, I would have had so many points to make, but speaking up was never my forte. When I was introduced to essay and creative writing, I grabbed it with both hands, and found a medium to make my points, without having to get on the stage.

The philosophy seems to have gotten struck with me. The idea of not voicing my thoughts, not speaking up and owning my ideas. Professionally I might be the one who is one of those who doesn’t hesitate a bit, before voicing opinions in meetings and discussions, as though it’s a whole new facet of me. When it comes to real life [Very interesting that I don’t consider my profession as my real life], I hardly voice my displeasures, pleasures, and most importantly my stand on various subjects. Being a very opinionated guy, I find it really surprising that I don’t voice my opinions.

My blog is the biggest example of my escapism. The thoughts expressed here, which I consider the truest picture of my mind, even here I have chosen to not own my thoughts and come up with a pseudo name. I can count with half the number of fingers in my left hand, how many people know about my real life identity and identify my thoughts with me. When an article of mine got published in a book, I chose to write it under the pseudo name, and didn’t even share it with parents. So basically my thoughts never get the identity of my voice, they remain mostly anonymous.

This leaves me with questions. Is it fear? Is it escapism? Is it immaturity? Is it natural? Is it pseudoism?

Clueless standards

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I have always set standards for myself. I don’t know if settings standards is good or bad. There has always been a limit below which I cannot stoop, even if I do, I am under constant guilt to move back up. Even though I don’t know if this is good or bad, I have always felt good when I have lived up to my standards. [An interesting thought dwell on later, even though we don’t know a thing is good or bad, we feel good doing it].

Simplest of the situations ends up resulting in a huge expectation from oneself, be it being on time every single appointment, not taking off even on a single day in school, being able to solve every single problem which confronts you at work, not letting health issues prevent you from getting to work, not letting go any confrontation without discussing them to a logical end, I can keep listing them all days of the week, and still will not be done with things where I think I have a set standard to live up to.

Over the years I have begun to live with the fact that this is how I am, and the depressions and anger that come out of me, when I don’t meet my standards, are bound to be present, and there can be nothing that can be done about it.

Expectations and standards were fine until I was having them and setting them for myself alone. Marriage changes this, now there is another person who is so close to me that I end up extending my standards and expectations to my wife. At first I felt good, to be able to relate to another person so much that I find her a part of me, but now I am realizing that If I continue this, this will be the biggest blunder of our marriage. The idea of expectations and standards from my wife has scared the hell out of me, I have already got a glimpse of what it feels for a person who expects, and for the person whom it is expected from, when these begin to annoy, when the definition of trivial gets made and broken like a million times within no time, when these arguments both spoken and spoken multiply, and the bad mood just engulfs the usual cheerful dwellings.

I have been thinking on this for some time now, how do I forget about standards, and minimize expectation?..