I am back with a retrospect post again. Rambler’s ramblings seem to be incomplete without some rants and retrospect.
Almost 30 is the perfect time for some quarter life crisis, or may be considering my theory that software engineers don’t live past 60, it’s the perfect age for mid-life crisis. It’s the time where we look out for things we want to achieve, look at our life and correct some cobwebs, change our attitude towards us, and life in general.
I don’t know if I can classify my current feeling as one such crisis.
Last couple of months have been good and bad professionally and personally. I have had some joy doing things which I like to do at work. Solving problems which I like, and enjoying the success when I crack some difficult ones. I don’t find it surprising that I still do enjoy problem solving, however it baffles me that some of my colleagues don’t. On the bad front, I have been having some serious doubts about stagnation at my work front, and questioning myself if my decision to stay on is a good one. On the personal front too, I am enjoying moments of joy from a married life, which includes a lot of things which I cannot pin point to, but in all having a good time.
So, you may wonder where is the crisis..
Well I seem to have this feeling of not being good enough, feeling inadequate. This self-doubt does exist in every individual in small amounts, but then at one point it starts to affect one’s confidence. I have always tried to make sure this self-doubt doesn’t cross that boundary. Of later there have been numerous instances where it seems to cross it and affect me mentally.
On days when I wake up with an off mood, thinking about all the things which I haven’t done in a manner which I cannot consider good enough; The decisions I have taken, which after a long point of no return, suddenly start putting doubts in my mind; The conversations what I have had with people who seem to have not been to my standards. Even when I think of things to do in future, the thought of being incapable or error prone feeling which makes me sad and offbeat.
What is it that is making me feel not good enough. Is it the self-doubt? Is it the fear of judgment? Is it the social peer pressure?
I have always given importance to things which I consider important. They have many times been away from the norm. My choices have had a specific purpose and reason behind them, and I have always been proud of my theories which stand by me in all my thoughts and decisions.
So why this doubt now?.