Posted in Kindred, Life, Moi, Realité, Thoughts, thoughts to think

Silent Weekends

Most of us are living now in a constant fear. Something which was frightening around this time last year, has become monstrous now. Take a stroll through any media, and you will be scarred for life. The amount of negativity, sufferings, and death around all of us around the world, and especially in India during this second wave of this pandemic has left us angry, scared, disgusted, and mostly helpless.

I hate being helpless. I know ‘hate’ is a strong word, but I have no less feeling towards this helplessness of mankind, where we cannot even help our dying friends and family. I feel so sad for feeling selfish enough about me and my family, which is preventing me from even helping out even my immediate family, when they are in need of help. Just look around you, so many people literally gasping for a bit of air to survive, and our hands are so tied behind our backs in fear that we cannot even offer the comfort of our company to our dying loved ones.

Amongst all this negativity, there is one thing which I am extremely grateful to almighty for. Every Monday morning, when I sit in front of my laptop and put my headphones on. I feel transported to this amazing alternate world, where I am in total control. A place where, when people around me bombard me with issues, I have a solution to most of them. When I don’t have a solution, I still know how to find one. I can clearly see where I am stepping into. I dont need masks to cover my breath. The work that keeps me busy from morning till evening is warding off all my attention away from this bad situation which is killing the whole country. 

I have been feeling guilty for my escapism. I seem to be feeling like an escapist in every aspect of my current life.

There has been no form of entertainment which has helped me take my mind off what’s happening to people in my country right now. My work is the only thing which has given me solace.

Monday to Friday, I look forward to drowning in a known world of my work life, silence weekends are deafening though.

Posted in Kindred, Life, Realité, Thoughts, thoughts to think

Voids and Blanks

There is one thing which I notice when I wake up every day, and when I go back to bed, these days. The silence.
Living in a busy part of the city, I am used to noise from dawn to dusk. I have been used to waking up to morning traffic frantically honking it’s way around, people walking around and feeling alive with petty yelling, hawkers testing their lungs by shouting out their products, kids playing in the streets with their high pitched chatter, and neighbors filling my ears with noise which can only be termed satanic.
I wake up to silence these days. It is not like, the activities have suddenly died, but its like they have been muted. The honk no longer has the zing in it, people no longer have their hearts in their yells, hawkers are the most impacted, I see their battered faces hiding behind those tiny masks, as they whimper trying to make their ends meet.
As I watch people from my balcony, I recognize many of them, I know many shopkeepers around my house, many have seen me grow up, I have seen many grow up and inherit businesses from their parents, I have seen them expand their businesses, in some cases lose a lot of it too, I have seen ups and downs in their life, as I live through mine. Now as I watch them carry on their daily life, I see the agony on their faces. They dont know what’s next. The silence of uncertainty has been deafening.
I had never thought much about local businesses, and how we should nurture them. When I first heard this idea from a close friend, about 10 years ago in a foreign country, I dismissed it as a first world problem, I thought who are we kidding, how can these giant corporations take over our friendly neighborhood businesses. Fast forward ten years around, when I order anything and everything on Amazon, I order my groceries on big basket, when I buy my son’s stationary online, I didnt realize what I was doing to my own fellows back home. In this time of immense fear and toxic uncertainty, when small business owners are fighting for their ends to meet, I have realized what my friend meant 10 years ago. However, even though I feel for them, it is not making me run to their shops to give them business, instead I frantically look for delivery shots online. The fear of virus has made me selfish enough, such that my selfishness has triumphed over my duty towards humanity.
This silence, which I have always been looking forward to, has become a bit of a nightmare. I am looking forward to all possible ways to fill in this silence. I have paid more money to Netflixs, Hotstars, and Primes then they deserve, in an attempt to fill my silence with creative words, I even become a “ullu” in the pursuit. No words can fill silence forcefully, can it?. I have filled my day with lot of walking and exercise, with never ending work, with movies and books, and a lot of family time. Despite of all this, I can still hear the silence. This nerve wrecking, insanely deafening silence.
My worst attempt to fill in for this silence has been via news channels. I have heard all kinds of news casters, the screamers, the learned bearded scholars, the biased, the international, in languages which require translation, from lands far away with a whole new world of problems. Whichever channel I see, its showing the same fate of people across the world, some blame it one others, others blame it on themselves. Suffering has been so enormous and universal. This silence has enveloped the whole world.
As I hear my son shout his way into this room, his childlike innocence reminds of a thing which lightens my mood, “hope”. I think these three magical words are what we have left, “hope”, “faith” and “belief” to fight this silence.
I thought I love silence, but this is not what I asked for.

Posted in "Theory of pursuit", Admiration, Kindred, Life, Moi, Personal, Randomness, Realité, thème, Thoughts, thoughts to think

An enchanting window.

Whenever I stood next to it, I felt the power creep into me. Who does not enjoy being powerful?, I did enjoy it too. I love the fact that, standing right at my home, beside this powerful tool, the window, I can get see and observe lives of many people right at my doorstep.  I can actually hear some of them too. As my gaze goes far, I still get to observe people, even though I may not get to comprehend them well. Farther down, even though I can’t see or hear them, I get a whiff of their lives. I get to see both the good and the bad, I get to hear both music and noise as mere sounds. I get to experience the smells without having to look for the aroma. I like the power of an open window.

Our bodies and minds have this amazing capabilities of recognizing patterns, and mapping them. You automatically start brushing your teeth when you stand in front of your sink in the morning, or your nose starts sniffing for fresh coffee early in the morning as you walk past your kitchen. When I started living along, my mind developed this acute sense of feeling raw emotions when I stood at my window. For a person who is not so comfortable showing emotions, smiles and tears did not shy from showing up when I stood at my living room window. There was nothing magical about it, but still, enchanting it was. Complex emotions found their way into my expressions, without the fear, the guilt I usually associate with most of those emotions. I wondered if it showed, If I displayed?, If I presented. Oh wait!, I didn’t care anymore, I stood behind a window. Who cares what the outside people saw.

Have you ever lived in a room with thin walls, you can exactly hear whats going on with your neighbors, you just didn’t show it. You heard all their words, without listening. You learn to pretend without being pretentious. To be honest, the window ignited the naturist in me to be stark naked, without having to cover my insecurities, without having to care for the voyeurs lurking in the dark. I was not an exhibitionist, but a pure naturist. I enjoyed having the control of closing the drapes when I want, and living it open when I feel.

Near the window, I made up my own rules, whenever I felt like it, I broke them too, I didn’t have anyone to answer to, more importantly I didn’t have me to question. A long standing rule, was about me, not sitting near the windows. I always stood there. I like to have my eyesight level with the windows, I did not want to look upto it. It was my equal, it was my mate. I liked the sweet pain in my legs when I spent long hours with it, it was worth the pain. It deserved the respect of me standing up to it.

Dimensioning one’s gain is very difficult, especially when the gain is not materialistic. My window had both the lovely dimensions, space and time. I have observed the constant space over a varying time, I have seen the same front yard from my window for ages now. The color of seasons, have changed and repeated, people have often stood, gone and returned, the constant tree has withered and greened up. When I have moved places, I have seen the constant time with varying space, the windows have changed, I have observed how my new courtyard reacted to the same seasons, how new people have come reacted to exact same stimulus. How each one of them have left a mark in me with their reactions, even though they are not aware of me watching them acutely.

Its not like my window has always remained open, or I have always been besides it. However I have found great comfort in seeing life, and being seen. I have enjoyed being leered by perverts, and admired by prophets with equal nonchalance.

As I close the drapes on this post, I cant help but enjoy my ramblings at my window, albeit virtual.

Posted in Moi, Personal, Randomness, Realité, Relationships, Romance, Thoughts, thoughts to think

Random Randomness #31/09

Random Weekends:
This weekend has been really relaxing, physically I mean. Good food, good sleep, right amount of television. It was just the way I needed it, relaxing. Apart from all this, its been a very special weekend, one which I might not forget for a long time, its when you you are relaxed and not thinking much is when thoughts strike you, and realizations hit upon you. Some realizations make a weekend really special. Sometimes all it takes it a writing pad you pick up to make a list of groceries you want to buy, words just flow.

Random Dreams:
I had this strange dream last night, that I am on a vacation with my granny. All through the vacation she does not get food of her choice and she is kind of disappointed. On the last day, on our way back we spot the right restaurant when the bus stops for a bathroom break. We both get in, and its like a self service place and for some reason he does not sell us food. This is the point where I woke up, and have been trying to make sense out of this dream all day and needless to say I have no clue.

Random Friday Nights:
There are some days where you make stupid expenditure, you just spend the money and feel like a total retard and seriously begin to doubt if you can get drunk without alcohol. Friday night, was one such for me.

Random Wonders:
Have you ever wondered why we attach gender to adjectives, why is she a “beautiful” and he a ‘handsome”, why isn’t he a “pretty”, and why isn’t she a “hunk”?. Well if you wonder why I am talking about sexes today its all because, its odd when  “I” cannot be “smitten”.

Random Happiness:
Last couple of weekends I have had something which I haven’t had in a long time, A hearty argument with a friend. Well if you wonder how can an argument be hearty, you got to listen to us argue and fight. I have a friend, whom I have known since tenth grade, we met at a class we took together, then we did our under grad in the same college, and then we did our grad college together. [P.S S if you are reading this, you know whom I am talking about]. Probably I will never meet a person ever in my life whom I can argue with, so much as I do with P, and at the end of it still be happy about the experience, there has hardly ever been a winner, its never been a tie either. Its simple, its not fought to be won, its just a high adrenaline, exchange of views at top of our voices almost making the phone lines redundant. We have had almost 2 hour phone calls back to back, over last couple of weeks, discussing patterns of Indian behavior abroad, problems when people marry young, alternate theories to evolution, and the latest “is astrology a science”. If you think I am opinionated, wait till you meet my friend P. Anyways the point is, this is probably one thing I miss a lot from my college days. Having a hearty argument, with a friend, who does not give up what he believes in, and does not mind being questioned and cross questioned every single sentence, of course we cant forget the questioning is always both the ways.

Random Humor:
One of the disadvantages of being only in platonic relations for all your adult life, is that, you don’t really have control on what you talk about. You can talk about who you think is hot without having to think for second. When you a special friend asks you, whats on your mind and what are you going to blog about today, telling her that, I think I will blog about how stunning Shruthi Hassan is, that too instinctively, is probably not a good idea. If you think that was worse, trying to defend your choice of word ‘stunning’ by using how talented she is as a singer, is probably the worst :).

Random Books:
I finished reading Persepolis2. I had heard so much about the series, may be thats the reason the book failed to impress me, I felt it was just ok, nothing special. Even though this was my first graphic novel, and I liked the idea of a graphic novel, the book was not impressive at all.

Posted in Personal, Randomness, Realité, Thoughts, thoughts to think

Random Randomness #26/2009

Random Comebacks:
Its been almost 3 months since I pursued something pure, this weekend pure pursuits has made a comeback guys, check out my insecurities.

Random Pleasures:
There are simple things which can bring you greatest of the pleasures. It had been a long long time, since I had two things to the side of my rice, not that I cannot cook them, just have not been doing that. Sunday afternoon, for some reason I decided to cook two things apart from the curds, so it was like a proper lunch at home. Three servings of rice, with two sides and curds, such a simple path to an afternoon of bliss. lo

Random Wonders:
I have never believed in telepathy, just one of those things which keeps puzzling scientists around the world, and to you it just means one of fancy miracles not meant for common people. Put strangely I have had almost three situations where I am forced to think otherwise. I am almost sure its just a coincidence, but if you just go by definitions, It would be hard for me to not to categorize them as telepathy, well one good thing has been all three have made things better and  not worse, so am not complaining 🙂

Random Movies:
I had read good reviews of the movie ‘hangover” at more than one place, so caught it online on friday night. Unfortunately, I did not like it even for a bit, not my brand of humor at all. May be its one of those movies which impressed almost everyone but me, just like the Titanic.

Random Vacation:
Guys its vacation time once again, Independence day has brought some freedom to me,  I am off to New york and from there to Niagara falls for two days, the other two days is not yet planned, and might be spent in some beach town along the Atlantic coast. I would have just sprung in joy normally at a thought of such a vacation, let me just say it hasn’t happened so far this time around.

Random Weather:
The weekend has been HOT, with temperatures reaching 107/8 on Saturday, it makes me realize how shielded we are in Bangalore with extremities when it comes to weather. The humidity was horrible, I got a headache when I walked in the sun for about 3 blocks on friday evening, and I dont think I can wear jeans and walk in this heat anymore, shorts are a must I guess.

Random Realization:
Words can be so harsh, even a simple comment can really hurt others, so guys I request please watch what you say, however close the friend is, even if you do not mean what you are saying, please be careful with the words you choose, people can be hurt real bad with them. Just do not make careless statements, specially when you don’t know how much the topic you are speaking about means to that person.

Random Yearnings:
You remember the game show, KBC? or for non Indians, “Who wants to be a millionaire”, you remember one of the lifelines “Phone A Friend’?. Well I really wanted to use that option this weekend.

Posted in Moi, Randomness, Realité, Thoughts, thoughts to think

Random Randomness #0609

Random Randomness is back guys..

Random Creativity:
Sheer talent and creativity in this poem amuses me, people can be so talented, and considering that they are still so young in terms of age, and yet to have so many new experiences, makes it even more amusing. But currently I am just bowled over by this poem by a fellow blogger Felicity titled “Escape Velocity

Random Announcements:
Its official, I can no longer fit into my old pants. I have dropped down more than 2 inches, and pants of my old size now can slide down my hips, I dont know if it is good or bad, but I can tell you I am not complaining. The beer belly shows up occasionally but as long as I can keep it under check I think I should be fine. The new waist size is kind of a dilemma when I go clothes shopping as I doubt if I will stay at this size so am confused to buy the old size which I no longer fit into, or go for the new one which I may not stay in for a long time.

Random Realization:
I am always quick to note changes in me, and this time as well I wasn’t late. I always wondered about American food habits, the idea of a breakfast bar never appealed to me, corn flakes always felt like an after breakfast snack, never enough, and 6:30pm always a snack time to me rather than dinner. Don’t get me wrong here, I am not judging anyone, just that I could never see myself having a bar for breakfast. Yesterday, I realized, I kind of had a 11:30 lunch, a 2 O clock grande shake for a snack, and dinner at 6pm. Just surprising how we change/adopt to our surroundings even without realizing. As far as breakfast goes, for a man who has grown up on big heavy breakfast, the idea of a breakfast bar still appears alien, however I seem to have accepted the idea of considering a tall milk shake as a filling item of food, and not just a side as it used to be.

Random Book-ies:
I am having a little off time when it comes to books, not getting hold of good ones. I finished reading the “The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid: A Memoir” by Bill Bryson. It was an okey sort of book, did not enjoy reading it much. I followed that with an impulsive pick at the library titled “Dancing naked” by Mary Rogers. This was some localized literature, a collection of memoirs from texans, and I thought it would be good to know more about local people, unfortunately it turned out to be too repetitive and found it boring to read, I ended up giving up after half the book, I could not keep myself going.

Random Foodie:
The weekend has been good so far food wise. Have you ever felt drunk on cheese?, I got to experience this on Friday night. A visit to a local Italian restaurant meant that I got to try something new, baked ziti, made vegetarian by order. This was something people recommended online, and hence  I tried. It was good and in right quantity, but it had so much of cheeze, at the end of the meal, I kind of had a cheeze hangover of sorts. Saturday was time for some hispanic food, and it didnt disappoint either.

Random Realities:
This weekend for the first time in almost 5 months here, I felt lonely. I am not sure why this weekend, but I kind of felt a need for company, I wanted someone to talk to, someone whom I could hang out with. I wasn’t desperate, but definitely the want was there. I had my usual set of  books and movies, but the mood wasn’t there, infact I did not want to call up anyone either, just missed people around, may be a good coffee,  or a laughter with people would have helped.

Random Entertainment.
I have been having a good streak when it comes to movies, a number of old hindi movies which I have been wanting to watch for a long time now, or have watched so long back and have forgotten, It began with Teesri manzil, followed it up with “Woh Kaun thi’, ‘Kaalapani”, “Chasme Baddur”, “Katha”. even though none of them were extra ordinary enough to force me to watch them again, but it was fun to watch them and enjoyed the music as well.

Random Humor:
Watching movies reminds me of some late night humor, the other night I was watching the movie “kaalapani” lying on living room floor. Of course I had a stack of pringles and a bottle of beer by my side for my share of refreshments, As i began watching the movie, sipping beer once in a while, the movie did grow on me, but there was one more thing which grew on me quicker, that was my sleep. Suddenly I was startled by a splash of something on my face, it turns out that I had dozed off watching the movie, and its been over 45 minutes, and suddenly the open bottle of beer in my hand had splashed onto my face. Poor me, had to wash the blanket and pillow case to get rid of the smell.

Random Wonders;
I have always wondered whats the USP of twitter, I have never understood why people would be interested in what I  got to say like N times a day, more importantly does anyone in this world care to read and follow me so often?, I dont know the twitter has never caught onto me. Knowing how late I am to adopt to the new  “in’ things, its not a surprise that twitter is not a big hit in rambler world, so far.

Posted in Realité, Thoughts

Why do we do this?

I had the opportunity to visit an Indian restaurant for the first time on this visit, this weekend. Like my all previous experiences, this too was bad. I hate Indian food in the US, if you ever want to cite an example how Indian food should not taste, the food here in Indian restaurants would automatically qualify.

Anyways the point of the post is something else, I  went to that place with an Indian family. The family had middle aged couple, and a 11 year old son. We finished our buffet, and all through it the boy was complaining about the cup sizes, he genuinely felt the restaurant should have had bigger bowls, making it easier for us to dip our dosas nan and idli’s.

When the time came to pay the bill and go out, the boy spotted a suggestion box, and with all enthusiasm wanted to write in a complaint/suggestion asking them to keep bigger bowls. As we had already come out of the restaurant he ran out to inform us to wait for him when he fills it.

Immediately the parents response to the boy was something like this, “hey baro saku, [hey come, its enough], do you really think they are going to read your suggestion?.”

I am sure the boy would have thought, why the hell do they have suggestion box, if they don’t read it.

Why do we, elders do this?, demotivate the younger ones, don’t you think we need to make him feel positive, and let me really tell people what he has to say.? so what if they don’t read it, atleast he can feel that he has done his side of the job.

Is it the problem with all of us Indians?, the boy was born and bought up here in America, and I have seen most of the people here really care about these things, if they have some suggestions they do give it, not like us whiners.

Why do we do this to our younger ones.

Posted in Life, Moi, Personal, Realité

Scaling new heights

Guys I am talking idiocy and stupidity today, can I stoop lower?. If anyone were to ask me to rate myself, on a scale of 1 to 10, how stupid I have been or the heights of idiocy I have scaled, I would probably rate myself 100. Thats how much stupid I feel today.

I wanted this to be a discreet post, and just mention the super score I have reached, but then on a second thought I decided to list few things which took me to those heights

*My mom always said this to me as a kid, then followed it up when I went to college, and when I started to work, she kind of reinforces this every single chance she gets. Not even a single time, I agreed with her at any levels regarding this, but today after a visit to a restaurant, I kind of had a thought she might have been right. She always says “Rambler!, if you don’t contribute  some money to a shopkeeper’s register, you cant sleep, can you?”

*Paying attention to details has never been my thing has it?, Thai Rice N Noodles, is not same as Thai Rice Noodles, who misses that?

*Eggplant parmesan is an Italian dish, and Japanese eggplants are not really the same, definitely not when they are cooked instead of fried.

*In the US, even though you just need to cross a street to get to the other corner of the interaction, its not really a good idea to use the pedestrian crosswalks when you have a car. Specially when it is a 8 lane street.

*Just because others can break rules in the parking lots, it does not mean you can try doing that

*Can’t assume people really follow stop signs

*Can’t believe everything you see, just because you spot eggs and croissants does not mean there is no smoked bacon inside. Unlike Taco Bell, you got to think about things inside the bun.

*Just because a lady walks out of men’s trial room, does not give you reasons to hit the panic button, and rush out to check the board again

Posted in Moi, Personal, Realité

A-lone Musquito

I have been so crazily busy over last few days. Probably my mind is so pre-occupied that I am not able to think straight, and hence no posts either.

Its been more than three months since I moved here, and many things have changed. Firstly I no longer compare Fort Worth to Chandler, and crib how good Chandler was. I am no longer complaining about how far the things are. The enthusiasm I had to cook new things have come down drastically, and has now been replaced with trying food at new places, and different cuisines. I haven’t cribbed about the weather in long time now, and also I have stopped losing weight as my body has got adjusted to running.

More or less my life has settled into its new routine, which involves crazy slogging during weekdays, eating out on Fridays and Saturdays, wandering whole of saturday, and lazing the whole of Sunday. Gobbling up a book per week, and talking for about 10 mnts daily with my parents.

It is is that time from the move, when people begin to ask when are you coming back, and how long do you have to stay. Honestly like the last time, I am liking this independence and alone-ness.  This is kind of keeping me away from all the things I want to run from, and I am loving it. This makes me wonder about a few decisions I took some time back, specially about staying back in India when many of my friends decided to go out. I do not think I am attracted by the charm of this country, but i think I am attracted to this independance and freedom I am enjoying. I am kind of liking this no one around bit. Right now, I just don’t want this to end soon.

I know people always say, accept the change, move on gracefully. I have never been a person who likes change, I have been more of a mosquito, who thrives in stagnant water. I don’t like that stillness being shaken.

Anyhow, that said, end of my stay here is not in sight right now, and not for atleast 3 more months.  Until the next storm which can leave pockets of water for me to settle into, its adios from musquito at the lone star state.