Inter human equations, or relationships as we call them normally are such fascinating things, each time I talk to people about it, or think about it myself, it raises new fascinating questions, leaving me more baffled than what I began with.
Most of us believe that, no person is perfect. The idea of a perfect human is more like an oxymoron, what makes us human is imperfection, imperfection not just in us, but also in things we are a part of. This would mean, none of the human relationships are perfect, well I guess many of us would agree with that as well. None of our relationships are perfect, and it really makes no sense to a even try to achieve perfection, but then that doesn’t mean we stop wanting things to improve, more importantly it does us wanting things from our relationships. So that puts me in a dilemma.
Now that we agree that no relationships can be perfect, that would mean there will be certain things which will be missing, or rather we miss in our relationships. So the dilemma is this, is it ok to look for things we miss in a particular relationship, outside?. Take a moment or two to think over it..
Let me give an example. lets say your spouse is not a big fan of sports, and you are a big fan. You “want” to discuss sports with your spouse but she/he isn’t interested, would it be wrong to find that “want” outside the relationship?, find a friend who would want to discuss sports with you?. It finds perfectly fine to do that, isn’t it?.
Let me spice it up a little bit. Now lets consider a scenario, where you like to converse about your daily job happenings, and your spouse is least bit interested in it. Now, would it be wrong to find a person outside your relationship to share your job stuff?. is this at some level cheating?.
Where I am headed at, can our relationships be “horses for courses” saying?, can we say, ok I am sure I wont get this from my spouse, so why not look for it outside?.
Its a lot easier when the dilemma is about sex, Its a clear cut taboo to look for it outside, but when it comes to other things its a dilemma. Sometimes we find the missing aspects in friends, co-workers, parents, and sometime even strangers. We might be looking out for things without even realizing that we are playing with the relationships, the question is are we wrong in doing so?.
Any thoughts?
Virtual Ramblings 
I am from the school of thought that believes that its not just alright, but the way to go!
I’ll tell u what, we as humans keep growing and changing. Even if when u choose a partner, u’re both in to each other’s interests big time, it will change over time. Rather than letting each other row apart, its best to grow together.
The Boy and I have different interests and it keeps th spice alive! we do our own thing with other people and come home to each other, happier individuals that make us automatically be nice to each other and sperad the joy.
Works for us!
hmm what if you want to share an interest, and the spouse is not available..and then would you go find someone else..and does that feel right?
yes! why’s it wrong?? Why should the spouse have the same interest in the first place? they’re a diff person, right?
so you are saying its wrong to expect your spouse to share an interest with you..I agree its impossible for all interests to match, but there will be some which we really root for..even those you say should not be expected?.
You know I am loving the discussion this post is bringing out..I did not have a stand before nor now that we are wrong…but the discussion has been really fruitful
I’m not sure if it’s right or wrong. And I guess that the answer would vary from person to person. For a long long time now relationship between a man and his wife has been projected to be dedicated one. This has left the current generation in a confused state I assume. We’re not able to show the kind of dedication as projected. Nor are we able to let go of what we have imbibed and philander whole heartedly. Thus the questions I assume. May be if we stop for a moment and think as to what we seek from the relationship and most importantly understand as to what we re capable of giving. May be then we would know when we go wrong.
fullmoon…you bring in a nice aspect..the idea of how this right or wrong has changed over the years, now that you mention it I guess there would have been a time, when you wouldn’t even discuss this..in a way I feel its better that now we talk about it and just not snub it
Hi it is my first time commenting here.
This was interesting
Though both of the examples you mention seem harmless enough at some point finding a confidant outside your marriage might not be the greatest thing.
But if it is just one off things then it is only normal to find someone else who has more common interests…
But it is slippery slope… made me think good subject
Welcome here pearls..
slippery slope ha..now make it even more interesting..what if you find a confidante in your own sibling, or a parent..would you still consider that not a greatest of the things?
Hmmm
To clarify
For one if it is just shared interests I dont think it is a big deal any way. But if ” the other person” is your confidante then it is a kind of dicey.
And now when ” the other person” is a parent or sibling I suppose it is the better.. but…
I would prefer to be my spouses best fried and vice versa but that cannot be forced… right?
aha..how is it better if it is a parent or a sibling.
🙂
Cos a confidante who is member of your family is a relationship that already exists, frequently a good relationship. It may not be you looking for someone to share things with cos ur spouse doesnt share that interest with you
But hey all this is conjecture. I am not a psychiatrist and my comments are just that… comments…I am reserving unshakable faith and unyielding opinions for the fries at the red robin.. 🙂
oh you know what..i would love to discus your unshakable faith..specially about fries at round robin 🙂
I don’t think there is anything wrong. Being in a relationship does not mean sticking to each other like magnets. One can be happy two some unless you are happy one some. The issue arises only when one believes in giving space and other does not.
exactly BM..problem arises when each of the people involved think of it in a different way or rather think of different things
I don’t think thinking about different things is not wrong. Life will be so boring if both the partners bring in same things. Again like two people in relationship can have different interests; they do share some common things as well. So why not enjoy them while being together. Rest of the times; we need to change gears; give each other space. And practically I can not imagine life without doing my own things as much I love doing things for Husband and doing things together with Husband. It is a combination and balance of all the three I guess.
hmm what if you want to do a thing with your hubby and he isnt interested..would you look out for someone?..and would you be ok with it?..
correction ..please read
Like at chandni’s post I said; like we do things together; we do things independently. and that’s how it works for us.
hmm interesting BM
It’s an interesting subject you’ve brought up. More so the way you’ve described instances that almost border on cheating. I do feel quite strongly about an individual sense of space within a relationship and that one will and should not find everything they need in their spouse. I.e. a shared interest in similar sports, movies, music etc is not essential and can be sought from a friend or colleague.
The topic of daily matters, although, is a little more extreme to me. I think that if you’re marrying someone who doesn’t enjoy discussing their everyday life with you, or doesn’t enjoy listening to you talk about yours (if they happen to be a much quieter person) then there is something to worry about. I’d think twice before entering a relationship with them.
Ms tic..gnn uts bit si easy you know..you would not really want to not get into a relationship just because you dont have common interest in sport, or if you think he/she isn’t available when you want to say discuss something which he/she is not interested in
I think I wasn’t clear. Not sharing common interests is OK.
Not having the ability to have a conversation about how our day was is NOT OK.
I got to admit..I have been such a tubelight..I didn’t understand Ms Tic..until I noticed your bloglink today :)..
Ah I so much agree with you on the last line..I think how much ever I may want not to expect things in a relationship, there are certain things which got to match, some which got to be present…and sharing something at the end of the day is one such
Came via Chandni. The answer would be no. It is NOT wrong. No one person can provide for all needs of another. I dont think it is right to expect them to start with. Space – a hated word in some circles, is what is essential for all relationships to work satisfactorily at the least!
so what if you want that from your spouse and you are not getting it?
You dont ask for what is yours. And if you need to ask then it should accompanied with an explanation…because some not so advanced souls yet have to catch up with their learning about the need for space for successful working of a relationship.
Some people think its a new concept..but I dont think so..I have noticed grandparent category getting their own ‘space’ under gender stereotyped roles..she would go shopping for things for home, he would go to the library, she would go meet her knitting pals and make achaar all day, he would go to the court house and chat/discuss news/politics with his pals..
for me..its the only way things work in the long run.
so you bring out another strong feeling..you dont ask for what is yours..you know thats a tough call..what you think yours might not be the same thing as what your spouse thinks is of yours.
Hi:-)
This is my first time here & I must admit i am impressed with the subject you have chosen and the way you have presented it.
Now to me, there is nothing wrong if either of the spouse finds some one else to discuss things that the better half is least interested. But having said that, while doing so transparency makes things much easier. What i mean, let’s say if my wife is not interested in sports and If i choose to discuss with any of my other friend and at the same time don’t tell my wife abt it, things becomes little clumsy after some time. If she realizes that this is happening because she is not interested, i guess she starts feeling low, if my other friend happens to be a lady, then she might become suspicious and lot of other things.
So, it is not necessary that our interest matches, but if we are seeking it from outside, let each other be informed.
Now, you might question why i had said above that she might feel down finding that she has not interest what her husband has (And remember, i am taking this “Me” & “She” just for example, the roles might reverse,too). If there is a couple where each other’s interest exactly match, would you call that a boring relationship that they dont have their individual likings?So, what’s wrong if I try to grow my interest on something which I don’t like but she likes? Until and unless she tells me that she is not finding me interested enough to discuss something and that’s why she is talking to her other’s friends, how would i come to know that? It is like taking a decision without giving the other person a chance. That’s when i think one can feel detached/down.
If both of us has our own diff blog and we also blog together, it is fun. But if i am interested in sports and she is not, it is fine if I talk to someone else, but nothing better than if she could grow her interest. I believe there is nothing more enjoyable than doing things together, and i guess it does not hamper your identity/space.
Welcome here Mustaf
For most part of the post, I didnt consider spouse’s involvement in the Dilemma..I mean forget what your spouse has to say about this, and transparency. Guilt to me in most of the cases is because of conscience, and I tend to end up thinking mostly from my perspective, would I regret something in retrospect, would I feel it is cheating..what my spouse will feel is a whole different ball game :)..damn I am selfish 😀
Well, I hv to think again from your perspective, I thought you are talking about dilemma from the both the side (you are just being an example in this case), because the same your spouse can also feel, too.Anyway, it is early morning, can;t think now…was just checking my emails, will come back later with thoughts from your angle 😀
Take your time buddy
Well, here I am back.
As everyone said one has a right to have his/her own interest, no denial on this.
But we should remember, responsibility increases with each passing day(married relationship), so we have to be careful that to pursuit our own interest, whether we are ignoring our core/essential responsibilities e.g. house hold activities, who does what is irrelevant. I shd not ask my wife to go and buy vegetable because i wanna play cricket with my frnds. Once a while, it is fine, but shd not be a routine.
If you maintain above and also maintain a transparent communication with your spouse, no problem. But if you are hesitant telling your wife that u r looking towards ur frnds to pursuit ur interest because ur wife is not interested, that’s where the problem occurs. U will feel guilty inside.
I apologize to Ms Tic for copying her line here, as I just loved them
Not sharing common interests is OK.
Not having the ability to have a conversation about how our day was is NOT OK.
So, e.g. if you see that ur wife needs your help in cooking and u like cooking the least and instead prefer to do something else, that is NOT welcome!! There is then problem with you, which you shd rectify, otherwise that is the root cause of all the other problems in coming days
thanks Mustaf for your insights..I think this post did what it was intended, get people talking about their views on the matter..like I always say..there is no absolute right or wrong when it comes to relationships…its fun as we discover our rights and wrongs as we grow in a relationship
very interesting post.. and interesting comments! I would wonder why think so long and hard about it.. but then we all work on our relationships whether consciously or unconsciously. And that is any relationship .. not just marriage. Coming to the point.. I believe it is good to have separate interests and it is good to pursue them.. it gives you the much needed individuality and space which is very essential for any relationship! However what if that very interest is a conflict of interests? Then what do you do? Where do you draw the line? I had a friend who loved volley ball.. he would play with his friends every evening.. and he needed a little nudge to even understand that in the process he was neglecting his bride.. seemingly a very simple thing, but the lack of communication was causing her to obsess over it, and she was getting depressed.. till we found out and intervened. Turned out the guy never knew.. and once he did, took to playing only on Friday evenings or some such thing! See that was simple! Not everything is though.. and thats why some relationships are rocky!
preeti…hmm its not hard ..its not easily either..just something right for a healthy debate isnt it 🙂
Lets frame the question another way. Would you like to force your spouse to do something they did not like much, just because you liked it? Would you like to be forced to listen to something that you found boring on and on and on just because you had to , the person speaking is your spouse. So also for activities. I believe a marriage is not a “collective hobby club”. Sharing a life does not mean having everything in common, for then one person in that relationship is redundant. I believe one should have the maturity to know where the line is drawn, and the openness and love in the relationship not to have to neglect the other. Btw the story of the guy who neglected his wife for volleyball hints at a deeper rift, not at “different interests”. Relationships are not a series of dos and don’ts imposed from outside, nor regulations. Rather they are a “feel-good” way of connecting with a person you love.
Allytude..oh thanks so much for the comment..just liked the perspective you brought out here…I just had to turn the table to look that way, and I was stuck..I like to look at things the way you said, would I want to force them to do they didnt like so much..I think I would actually, if it is really important to me. But then when that doesn’t work out is when I would be confused if I want that so much, that I would go out looking for it.
And sorry the post was not about sharing hobbies..I think I agree with you, it would be stupid of anybody to expect a collective hobby club
no, nothing wrong in that. one life to live.
that was a simple..cool 🙂
Actually, I’d say that sharing interests with someone outside may be okay; sharing stories about daily life definitely not. Because this means you don’t really care what happens to the other person. So, why be together?
Sharing interests with someone of the opposite sex however is inviting trouble.
And, actually, I believe sexual infidelity – if it happens once (and only once) – is actually okay. Because it does not necessary imply any permanent longing to be away, only a loss of control for a few minutes.
If my wife decides to share her hobby of sketching with some other guy, this is surely going to be permanent. And, if there is anything approaching sex in the relationship, well now that emotional connection conflates with a physical connection as well.
K there you go..you have taken to opposite extremes..now consider the in betweens, thats where the dilemma comes p
k I dont agree with you on the opposite gender part..because the post was how I would feel, i mean would i consider that I cheated..when you take that into account, my concern would not really matter on the gender of the person whom I share with
We don’t get everything we want in life. Neither do we get everything we want at work. But in professional life, we live with the minimalistic things that we get (job satisfaction etc), but we want everything from spouse! I think a relationship (especially with a spouse) is about sacrifice and sharing things – both good and bad.
Destination Infinity
you know sacrifice is a strong word..would you think its more of a compromise?..I would never want my spouse to sacrifice for me..its too much to ask for
Interesting!
I personally am of the opinion that if two people in a relationship share – an activity, hobby or might even be a thought or an opinion….its special. For example as Chandni says, she and her husband align their thoughts on giving each other as much space as needed. My boyfriend and me are kind of opposite, we try to do things together and try to accommodate and adapt to each others’ interests so that we can spend a lot of time together, but we also believe in giving each other space to pursue our own interests.
I think it depends on understanding between the two people involved, and only they can decide if they think it’s okay or not to satisfy wants somewhere other than each other! 🙂
[Excuse me if I am repeating what people have said above, as I have not read the comments yet]
you know what..you are the first person here who seems to have thought otherwise..i like the way you ended your comment
you need to read shobha de’s book – spouse: the truth about marriage
there is a chapter dedicated to this very issue
u can find same sex friends who u can do this stuff with
its healthy to spend independant time away from eachother too.
http://www.mouthshut.com/product-reviews/Spouse:_The_Truth_About_Marriage_-_Shobha_De-925048493.html
Very interesting issue. A few points:
I don’t feel that seeking an outlet for issues that don’t interest the other spouse – issues like travelling and so forth – is cheating. But there’s a line somewhere. Meaning that if the need to confide turns into a need for the other person instead, then I guess that’s a form of emotional cheating – made worse if the person is from the other sex.
Of course, a certain amount of need for another person is ok too IMHO. But it mustn’t reach a stage where one isn’t happy without that friend.
Another issue is how much is brought into the home. As a person in a committed relationship, I wouldn’t really have a problem if my partner confides in another (as long as she’s not hiding it from me). However, I will have a problem if I feel that the other person is intruding into our home life – again only if it’s a guy – by being the subject of conversation too much or long chats on the phone/SMS etc.
I guess different people have different sticking points and each relationship must be negotiated to an acceptable level of comfort for both parties.